Lent Week 2! What have a learnt? “There’s no future in your frontin.”
Frontin: Urban slang. To put up a facade or make appearances to maintain an inaccurate image of oneself “I know that I’m carrying on, nevermind if I’m showing off, I was just frontin'” – Pharelle
I feel like I should put a disclaimer on this. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop looking at the screen thinking “How I’mma start THIS out?”
I love and appreciate the church I grew up in. That being said i am about to be very honest about some of my experiences. I love the church and everybody (well most of yall) just the same. I know plenty of people reading are or have been members of this church. Church is a family and there are some cousins and uncles we can’t stand. Hell, i don’t too much like my daddy myself.
If you’re offended by this post, as a member of this church or any, pray about how you can make church easier on people.. and don’t come for my church or pastor. I’ll fight you. Well, probably not. I’m too pretty to fight. I will talk about ya momma though. I digress.
Bailey (my Volkswagen Beetle) is in the shop so mom and I have been sharing Condoleezza (the other beetle). I haven’t been going to church with her, the church in which I grew up. (We live in different cities) I chalked it up to social anxiety but I realized it was something else as well. I decided to go last Sunday (2 Sundays ago by the time you’re reading) and immediately realized why I hadn’t been going. I got so many… looks.
The church I grew up in is very conservative. Women only in skirts conservative, no sleeveless shirts conservative. People wait for us to come out of church to see what we got on. Yall know how we dress for the Derby? That’s weekly.
I DID wear skirts and dresses for years but after ‘while it got uncomfortable. I just didn’t feel like me. I didn’t like the attention I got in a skirt (#thick) and who in hell wants to wear pantyhose EVER?! I used to take them off in the parking lot after service during the summer.
Also, I’ve since joined a church that was less conservative (with teaching/preaching just as sound.. that’s important). I figured out I could go to church AND be me. I never thought that was possible.
I stayed home from church this past Sunday because I don’t want people to look at me funny for wearing pants.
It is so ignant its funny. No, literally I laughed after I typed that sentence.
Everybody wants to be accepted. It took a lot of rejection for me to realize this. (Well, not a LOT of rejection, look at me – sheeeeeeeeIT) I developed a strong exterior but rejection hurts just the same. I ain’t gon front, rejection hurts bad.
The two rejections that hurt the most are from my father and from the church.
These rejections have happened over and over through out my life. But you know what I realized after years of frontin? I’m just fine without them. By the grace of God, I am just fine.
I have decided that I’m done trying to be accepted by anybody but especially by church
niggas folk and my pop. To hell with them, frankly. I prayed that I’d change, that God would change me to make me more acceptable so i could be more comfortable and Her only response was “I love you.”
My goal should not be to be accepted by people that are sinners like me. I only need acceptance from One and he sent Jesus. –Quickens–
After I understood what God did for my sin and what he continues to do in spite of my sin it was a teench harder to judge anybody especially for what the clothes they had on. I wholeheartedly understand why people don’t come to church. I just can’t let people keep me from Jesus. I ain’t going to stop going to church. Also, God doesn’t want you or I to be comfortable. But that’s a different subject for a different day.
It is difficult coming to the realization that the church you grew up in is not the church you are going to stay in. I thought I was going to get married and raise my kids there. I ain’t. Y’all know black people stay in church for dozens of generations in the same damn seat for a hundred years. I had to change churches in order to grow in my walk with Jesus. I had to change churches to be able to go every Sunday.
The lesson I’ve learned is that in order to heal you gave to deal. (Ooohh trademark that… sounded like Johnny Cochran.) You will not be able to move on or heal if you fronting about your hurt. You ain’t that tough. Trust me. I’m a professional fronter and I am nuts on paper. I was fronting about being hurt and why i was hurt. Yall know how much sleep I lost? I was up at 3am bothered and didn’t know why.
Be honest with yourself. Keep it 100. It will help your skin. Look at KellyAnne Conway. She lies for a living and looks hung up to dry. Lying on top of the way some white women age? I digress.
Some things only come by fasting and prayer (Matthew 17:21). Lent has been a blessing. High-5 your neighbor and tell em “There’s no future in your fronting.”
Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I never think people I know are reading until they let me know. So leave me a comment or message, dag!