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Reflections on The Black and Blue Lives Matter Form

bluelives 2Let me preface this by saying that the following reflections are mine and mine only. They don’t reflect the thoughts, feelngs or values of any organization. Don’t hold my ratchet mouth against anybody but me (but know idgaf).

This flyer (left) appeared on my Facebook newsfeed last week. I reposted with the caption #Nope. I then shared it in a certain group and on my Timeline with the question “Why do we (local BLM activists, millennials and regular ass people) keep getting left out of these conversations?”

A few people had the “kumbyah we all need to unify” rhetoric. I ain’t with it. I’m a proud member of the #CallOut Ministry. The old heads keep having forums and panels with the #BlackLivesMatter tag AND keep not inviting the activists or anyone under 137 years old. There is an official BLM chapter in Louisville. If BLM is not invited, don’t put #BlackLivesMatter on your flyer. RESPECK THE NAME. Is we finished or is we done? I’ve had to voice this to two events. In the words of Snoop Dogg “Do I look like the type of nigga that likes repeating himself?”

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with beef and arguing. Especially if we have the same goal ultimately. Should we do it publicly? Absolutely not. But we should do it. (I’m sure Dr. King and them argued. I’m sure somebody was like Dr. King can you quit fucking everybody?)

Nevertheless, we had a good conversation and somehow I got bamboozled into attending. I’m still not sure how it happened but here I am on Saturday at 9am at this fuckshit forum.

9am on Saturday was the first mistake. People my age and younger are not going to be anywhere at 9am on Saturday given a choice (I don’t even go to work until 10 at the earliest). People my age and younger are also the ones that are victims of police brutality. You cannot have a conversation ABOUT people that you won’t have a conversation WITH (Darrell Scott and Omarosa don’t count, Donald Trump).

2nd mistake. There was no repast. Jesus preached, and then everybody got fish sandwiches. Any time I’m a guest at somebody’s church I expect to sample the punch of the shadiest church motha. WWJD?

For this reason (in my opinion) there were only about 30 people tops. Which looks like 5 when in a sanctuary.

The forum was held at Spirit Filled Ministries (Louisville, KY). I THINK Bishop Kelsey (a retired police officer) is the pastor. That’s another mistake. Having a forum in the sanctuary. The sanctuary of a black church is (typically) NOT a space that young people or women can be comfortable speaking out. I also am not going to cuss in the sanctuary and I need to be able to cuss at a forum called Black and Blue Lives Matter.. ’cause yall out your rabbit ass mind for that title.

The first speaker was attorney (Tibbs) that gave us this handout. (below) I’ll try to provide a better pic tomorrow. Yall gon deal for the time being.

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His main point was to know our rights, not argue with a police officer but instead take up our issue with the police officer in court. So I asked “what if the police officer kills me first?”. Tibbs and Kelsey responded by telling me to get involved in local politics. Bishop Kelsey also kept calling me ‘baby’ and cut me off. I passed the mic and knew I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

How in the entire hell can I get involved in politics if I’M DEAD MY NIGGA? Somebody told Philando Castile to be respectful to the police. He was and he was still killed. When are we going to address police officers behavior and not victims?!?!?!?!!? Whew. Let me calm down.

I AM involved in local politics. I’ve worked on (winning *flips hair*) campaigns for judges, council members and state reps. That doesn’t make a bit of difference if a police officer with bad aim and bad judgement pulls me over.

“But officer, I work in local politics!”

“Oh you do?” *Puts gun up*

The next speaker was DeVone Holt. He could only stay for so long because he had to get to the studio for his radio show. He finessed that appearance so he could talk and not have to answer questions. He talked about how he’s not going to vote for Trump or Hill and how Black America hates him for it. As a member of Black America, I don’t give a damn what DeVone does much less who he votes for. Hell, I #barely know who he is. Negros are soooooo important. *Rolls eyes* I don’t know what any of what he said had to do with the forum.

The speaker after that was Ray “Sir Friendly C” Barker. He got up and talked about… himself. He discussed the thousands (i promise he said thousands) of children he mentored and his experiences as a cop.

He was reminiscing about the good ole days and trying to defend shooting somebody. He said that cops are trained to shoot twice in the chest (not the leg or arm) and damn near had an orgasm talking about it. He also talked about how he didn’t agree with some of the ‘antics’ of the BLM movement. I think this was the point I wanted to lay in the pew and scream at the top of my lungs. But God. I. got. your. antics, old man.

My fellow activist friend and Sir Friendly got into a heated discussion and a few of the men of the church including Bishop Kelsey surrounded him. My friend was speaking passionately and using his hands, but he wasn’t a threat. Back up off the homie.

I got up and used my womanly charm to defuse the situation. These soft hands, tiddies and eye lashes serve many purposes, one is to manipulate men.

Bishop Kelsey and I ended up exchanging numbers and he’s gonna invite me to some talk he’s having with somebody next week. Negros aren’t getting another Saturday morning out of me for a few months so it better be on a weekday evening and HAVE REPAST.

After that Judge Denise Brown got the mic and stanched edges. She said not voting is the ‘dumbest argument’ she’s ever heard. I again resisted the urge to lay in the pew.

I then got up and observed conversations in the lobby. This lady, wife of a police officer asked me and my fellow activist friend if we wanted to be police officers. #Nah, Lady. I’m tired of people telling us (young black people) to become police officers whenever we have criticism for the police. I criticize my doctor. I’m not going to medical school. I criticize my mechanic. I’m not going to mechanic school. I don’t want to be a police officer. I shouldn’t have to be one to ensure my people aren’t getting killed.

I told her we could set up some programs in predominately black high schools that puts kids on a track to become a police officer like ROTC but I certainly won’t be becoming a popo. I can’t pass the drug test. 

This concludes my reflections on The fuckshit Black and Blue Lives Matter Forum. I’m not going to anymore forums/panels/discussions/pow wows/hotep meetings. I AM going to invest my efforts in programs and organizations that are worthwhile though. Stay tuned.

It’s 2am and I got *sings* church in the morning.

-CGW

 

 

 

 

 

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Sodom & Gomorrah… and America. Bible Study with Carrie

Can I be honest?

Over the past month or so, My Facebook newsfeed has really vexed me. I be looking at my phone like Chloe.

chloe

Controversy has an interesting way of bringing out people’s true colors. A lot of my Facebook friends’ true colors are NOT pretty and it’s frightening. Frightening because people I associate with, do business with, dance with, church with and everything else have some problematic ideas about identity in the context of race and sexuality especially; AND are willing to broadcast their stupidity opinion.

As someone that is a part of a few marginalized groups and with loved ones in those groups I take people’s statuses personal. As a Christian, I don’t want to be associated with the judgmental people that are the face of the church and I hate when somebody is representing Jesus Christ wrong.

I don’t want to lose friends and I haven’t taken the time to go as far as deleting anyone but I know at some point I’m going to have to chose. I’m just not going to be able to associate with, chill with or work with anybody. Yall know I’m a hippie and just want to like everybody.

rachel caitlynThis edition of “Carrie is stressed about Facebook” started with Caitlyn Jenner. I was going to write a blog about her and Rachel Dolezal but my blog has a very strict white women policy and I’m not using the small space I have for white women on those two (especially since Hillary is running). I will ask this though, WHERE DID RACHEL GET HER THEM CURLS? WHAT KOREAN SELLS CURLS THAT LOOK THAT AUTHENTIC? GIRL!

I digress.

The latest episode in the Summer 2015 edition of “Carrie is stressed about Facebook” is the SCOTUS’ ruling on Same Sex Marriage. This past Friday, (June 26th) the Supreme Court of the US voted (5-4) that the Constitution guarantees a right to same-sex marriage.

The gays went wild… so did the church niggas folk.churchniggas

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

 (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Chile, the gays was waving rainbow flags out side of the Supreme Court chanting ‘Love has won’. President Obama and other politicians welcomed the decision saying it ‘affirms what millions of Americans already believe in their hearts.’

On Facebook, a few church folk scurried across my Newsfeed said America is becoming Sodom & Gomorrah. (2 of which I thought were gay themselves… None of my business).

Sodom & Gomorrah?! JUST NOW?! 2015 legislation makes America Sodom & Gomorrah?

Not chattel slavery. Not Jim Crow. Not Reagan. Not the Prison Industrial Complex; but Same-Sex Marriage.

Things I want to say when I comment on people’s statuses

“DO YOU OWN A COPY OF THE BIBLE?”

“You can’t be this stupid.”

“You and your girlfriend don’t have sex at all right? Cause pre-marital sex isn’t biblical..”

“But you married and was in my inbox just last month.”

“You just met Jesus 15 minutes ago. Seats. Several”

This blog post is to talk about why America is Sodom and Gomorrah, and why America AIN’T Sodom & Gomorrah. This is my personal analysis. All views here reflect me and only me. Let’s talk about legislation and then let’s go to the bible.

On Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that the constitution guarantees American citizens a right to same-sex marriage. Before Friday, gay and lesbian couples could marry in 36 states and D.C. The ruling holds that the 14th amendment requires states to issue marriage licenses for same-sex couples and to recognize marriages performed in other states. The ruling affected the 14 remaining states that don’t issue marriage license to same-sex couples or recognize marriages from states that do.

Also, the ruling will not take effect immediately because the losing side has around 3 weeks to ask for reconsideration. Some states (including the one I live in) are still refusing marriage licenses to gay couples.

The law does NOT force any church to perform a same-sex wedding or any preacher to sign a marriage certificate of a gay couple; separation of church and state still stands. Nor does it force you a sinless Christian to be gay or have gay sex. Oh… and the church will still get $7.1 billion in tax cuts a year so the 25 year old building fund won’t be affected by gay marriage either.

So if you’re a Christian who believes that marriage is betwixt a man and a woman and goes to a church that teaches the same sentiment. How is your life affected by this ruling at all? (Not a rhetorical question, please tell me how. My inbox is open)

There are tons of non-Christian laws and societal ideals in America and most of them are way older than last Friday. That’s why the bible says we are IN the world, not OF the world; that we’re the salt and light of the earth (Matthew 5).

What are you doing to win souls for Christ besides condemning people to hell on Facebook? Did the SCOTUS ruling take God off the throne? Jesus off the cross? Yall are giving legislatures way too much power, honey.

Now let’s talk about Sodom and Gomorrah (henceforth S&G). Yes, we’re having bible study. Turn with me to Genesis 18 and 19 and I’m going to give you a summary of the story (Get you a copy of the CAGW version of the bible and a prayer cloth for $17.99 on my website).

S&G were two cities in the bible subject to Divine judgment by God. They were completely consumed by Fire & Brimstone. It is arguably the most extensive judgment by God in the bible besides Revelation or Calvary.

So, Carrie… the people of S&G, were breaking the (Levitical) law right? This is the Old Testament. That’s why God destroyed them. No, Levitical Law hadn’t been written down. Moses wouldn’t get the 10 commandments for another 400 years. Sodom and Gomorrah is in Genesis. Leviticus 18 is 2 books way and a whole ‘nother blog post.

Fun Fact: The city of Sodom is where we get the term ‘sodomy’ that refers to anal sex or any “unnatural” sex so oral sex as well. (YALL ALL SODOMITES, CHILE.)

In Genesis 18, two angels and God appear to Abraham. (This is also the time that Sarah is told she’s going to have a baby when she’s 100 and she laughs.) God tells Abraham that S&G are going to be destroyed because their ‘sin is grievous’. Abraham asks God if He’ll spare the city if there are 50 righteous people, then he goes down to 10 because Abe knows they ratchet in S&G.

God says he’ll spare S&G if 10 righteous can be found in the city. There weren’t 10 righteous people because God ended up destroying the cities. Lot, the nephew of Abraham and his family were spared because of the covenant God made with Abraham (Genesis 15)… Anybody glad He’s a promise keeper? *runs*

The angels get to Sodom to look for some righteous people and were going to spend the night in the town square. Lot insisted they spend the night with him because again, they were ratchet in Sodom. The two angels, disguised as men go to Lots house and are chillin’ right…

sodomThen all the men in the city come to Lot’s house asking the angels to come out because they want to have sex with them (How fine do you have to be for ALL THE MEN in the city to be at the house… Speaking of, a man came to my event Friday that looked like a thicker version of Morris Chesnut… HONEY… Sorry, where was I? ).

Lot instead offers his two virgin daughters, begging the men not to harm the angels.

PAUSE.

When I first read this story for myself, I was mad because NOBODY mentioned Lot offered up his daughters to be raped by every man in the city! It was Israel so the girls were probably like 14 and 16! Though, they were ratchet too but that’s not until the next chapter and I don’t have time to go over that today.

The angels blind all the men in the city and Lot and his family flee Sodom. God rains down fire and brimstone on the city, Lot’s wife looks back, against the angels orders and is turned into a pillar of salt.

The end.

Ok, so WHY did God destroy S&G and will America be destroyed as well?

Ezekiel 16:49 says “‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.  They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.”

So they weren’t JUST gay in Sodom. They didn’t help the poor and needy either. They were also inhospitable (gang rape is certainly not the best way to show hospitality). Homosexuality wasn’t the EXCLUSIVE sin of Sodom.

Plus I don’t see the parallel between a monogamous homosexual relationship and gang rape. It just isn’t the same thing and I think we should be very careful who we compare to rapists and why.

Ok, so maybe America IS like S&G…. but how? The housing market crashed in 2007. Banks foreclosed on millions of houses. As a result, there are 7.5 million vacant properties in America. The last census says there are roughly 760,000 homeless people in America. That means there are 24 vacant houses for every one homeless person in Sodom America.

And statistics say that a lot of vacant houses are summer homes not used all year ‘around. So, there are some families with multiple houses to live in (overfed) and there are some families with not one house to live in (not helping the poor and needy).

As a Christian, dare I say I am more offended by people not having a place to sleep than I am by two men being able to get a marriage license?

But lets go back to the gay sex cause I know that’s why yall here. In reading the text, I asked why did the townsmen want to rape the strangers and why in HELL would Lot offer his daughters instead of strangers?

Let’s look at the cultural context of our scripture. (Hermeneutics, theologians.)

In Sodom at that time, the laws of hospitality were held with the utmost respect and women in that era were owned by the head of the house, usually their father or husband. The townsmen wanted to rape the strangers for coming into their city as a warning and an act of humiliation. I told yall, they were ratchet in S&G.

The intent was to treat the strangers like women, (who were property) by making them passive in the sex act. The person on the receiving end of anal sex (the bottom, in 2015 language) is considered unmanly and feminine. Having a penis in you was made you gay, but walking across town demanding to put your penis in another dude wasn’t. (I’m getting a headache, pray for me.)

Lot would have rather made his daughters ‘unmarryable’ by letting every man in the hood rape them than be seen as unhospitable in Israel. That was worse in cultural context.

So let me get this straight (pun intended)…

God destroyed S&G, not because they were rapists, or because they had many resources and didn’t give to the least of these, but because of anal sex? Ok.

I would argue that Sodom and Gomorrah has turned into something culturally that just isn’t there biblically. Church folk have a tendency to elevate passages to higher levels above others and mold them to mean what advances their personal agenda (homophobia, in the case of S&G).

We definitely see people morphing The Word among the denominations. I’ve had Pentecostal people tell me I’m going to hell for worshiping on Sunday and eating pork and I have Primitive Baptist friends that wash each others feet. No shade, I’m not washing anybody’s feet and my greens gotta be cooked in hog. Thank God for Jesus.

A lot of stuff we do is in fact, stuff and not biblical. We just elevate it to the same level as The Holy Bible.

duggarsFurthermore, sexual abuse against children is arguably an epidemic in the church but nobody uses Sodom & Gomorrah to preach against rape or incest… Nobody called America Sodom & Gomorrah when we found out that Josh Duggar sexually abused his sisters. Does Josh’s nasty ass deserve the love of Christ more than others because his crimes were heterosexual? Incest is against ‘the law’ too, Old Testament readers.

When we see homeless people on the street and don’t bother to help them or give them a dollar, nobody calls us Sodomites.

Legislation that bailed out banks and gives tax breaks to rich people doesn’t make us Sodom and Gomorrah. But legislation that lets two consenting adults enter a legal binding contract does?

That’s absolutely ridiculous.

Also, saying America is S&G suggests that this country has ever been on high moral ground. Or that it was ‘founded on Christian principles’ (which I’ve seen a lot on Facebook). It wasn’t.

The guy that wrote the Declaration of Independence (and helped write the Constitution) of this great country fathered several children with his wife’s sister, who he owned as a slave… and kept the children he made with her as slaves as well. Moral? Christian? Naw, bruh.

Am I digressing again? This blog is getting long. Let me wrap it up.

Is it fair/accurate to compare America to Sodom and Gomorrah because of the SCOTUS’ decision on Same-Sex Marriage? No. It’s unfair and it’s absolutely ridiculous. The LGBT people I know that celebrated the ruling Friday aren’t rapists, don’t participate in bestiality (another argument I’ve seen on Facebook) or incest and do more for justice than LOTS of so-called Christians I know.

Is it fair to compare America to Sodom and Gomorrah because of other reasons? Yes and we all deserve to go to hell on a full scholarship. But while we were YET sinners *E flat* One dark Friday *Baptist Preacher voice* He Died. Didn’t He die? Stayed there, all day Saturday but EARRRLLAAYYY *runs around the church screaming*

I’m sorry. Where was I?

Why are church folk so offended by same-sex marriage? Black church folk in particular?

I believe people like to elevate themselves by looking down on people that aren’t like them. If I can look down on gay people, or on the government, I can feel higher myself. If I can exclude someone, I can feel included… that does for all people, not just black Christians. But, to be black in America is a constant state of mourning, fear and stress. Using gay people and the government as a scapegoat to deal with the condition of being black in America may help… if only for a few minutes via a Facebook status; just a theory.

Secondly, I don’t think the people of the black church are comfortable with discussing sex on ANY level especially when it has to do with sex for pleasure and not for reproduction. The nature of sex between two people of the same biological gender is JUST pleasure since they aren’t going to make a baby right? In church we’re taught to have sex to make children, period (AND not to masturbate). So we aren’t supposed to have any sexual feelings or sexual pleasure, especially women.

Thirdly, there are LOTS of single black women (in Church errr Sunday) and WAY LESS single black men. If the men can marry each other, I may never get a ring on it.

Lastly having a strong opinion on issues that don’t REALLY matter (like abortion, same-sex marriage & immigration) lets people SEEM outraged, passionate and super-saved, BUT means they don’t have to DO anything about it.

People don’t know how to influence legislation effectively, that’s why they don’t talk about things that really do matter (like racism, poverty) because they if they did they wouldn’t have an excuse to not get up and do something about it. We have the power to change things. We just don’t want it.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope this post causes self reflection and healthy dialogue with you and yours. If you’re going to scurry into my inbox, be respectful and make sure it’s during business hours (6pm-6:03pm Monday-Friday) or I’m sending memes of Chloe, Cissy Houston and Fantasia. God Bless your hearts and all your parts.

-CarrieOn

Screenshots of The Conversation I had with the Pastor regarding Bill Cosby

The following pictures are screenshots of a facebook exchange I had with a prominent Pastor in my city. He’s not my pastor, I do not attend his church, though I have a few friends who do. I blacked out his picture and name because while we disagree, I fear my identifying him explicitly will cause more controversy than we need right now. We’re just getting over ‘delivert’. If you ask me privately, I’ll be glad to let you know who Pastor is, but I’m sure most of you saw the exchange and my status after I was blocked and my comments were deleted.

Stay Tuned. tim1

tim2

 

tim3

 

I had a comment between this that i didn’t get to screen shot. It said something to the affect of

“No, it hasn’t. Just because I disagree with you, doesn’t mean I don’t get the post. Your comparison to the President’s immigration address and a network’s decision to pull a show over MULTIPLE RAPE ALLEGATIONS is disrespectful and frankly, reaching. Also, our love for trashy TV has nothing to do with anything.”

Then he said….

tim4

 

After this Pastor Said “Now you’re reaching. Everybody wave goodbye to Carrie”

I was then blocked and (I’m told)  my comments were deleted. So, I made a facebook status that said

tim5

My mom is making be nice to white people.

I remember the ‘mom takeover’ of Facebook. 2010-2012, our mom’s found Facebook and figured out how to make themselves a profile. No longer were we free on the innanets. Our mother’s were watching. Many of us took to our statuses in protest proclaiming “NO MOM’S ALLOWED” but it was too late. Moms, Aunties, Pastors, Church Mothas and Deacons are on “The Facebook” so now we have to watch what we say. But this post isn’t about that tragedy. (Thank God for Twitter)

My mom (Lisa) and I entertain my friends and hers on Facebook with our banter. The ladies at church be waiting to see what Lisa and I are going to say daily. It’s all fun and games on the newsfeed, but privately, Lisa WILL correct me. If she has an opinion about something I’ve posted she’ll tell me within 7 seconds of me posting it. (Ain’t you supposed to be at work?!) Most of the time, she’s right. I usually won’t argue and I’ll delete what I’ve said. Sometimes, I’ll argue my case and hit her with a meme of somebody sleeping or of Nene Leaks saying ‘Girl Bye’.

The latest corrections cset it offame last week when I posted a couple of articles and made some comments about white people. The first article was about Raju the Elephant who was rescued from captivity in India by wild life conservationists. I said something ignant like ‘white people will go get an Elephant from India but stay silent about Trayvon Martin or Oscar Grant”. The second article (the next day) was entitled “It’s Time to End the Prejudice Against Pitbulls” I said something along the lines of “White people will fight for Pitbulls but lock the car door when I walk by”.

Lisa was in my inbox about my comments. She argued that what I was saying was true, but offensive. I wasn’t trying to hear it. If what I was saying was true, why should I be careful about what I say or how I say it?nene

The next day, my friend Jessye texted me. Jessye is white.  We met in undergrad and were fast friends. I consider her not only one of my best friends but my sister as well. I love me some Jessye. The fact that we’re two different colors never ever mattered. She done fell in love with an Australian and is trying to move to the Outback. I’m currently trying to talk her out of it. Do yall know what Jessye said to me? She said “I see your posts on Facebook. Do you still love me?”

My heart went to my stomach. The fact that something I said on social media made Jessye question my love for her definitely made me rethink my posts. I want to encourage conversations about race and make space for change. But what I DON’T want to do is hurt one of my best friends. In our conversation, Jessye said the constant posts about white people make her not even want to get on Facebook anymore.

I enjoy getting a rise out of people. I’ll even go as far as to say that I enjoy making people mad. In the words of Sophia Petrillo, it tickles me. Words have power, I’ve abused that power at times. SOME white people do some things I don’t understand. But talking about them in a negative way on Facebook has the potential to hurt some white people that I love and it doesn’t create a safe space for conversations about race.

I’m always talking about the love of Christ, right? If it doesn’t make me as loving and sensitive to my white brothers and sisters as much as my black brothers and sisters, I’m a hypocrite and not practicing what I preach. My cousin who’s wife is white is STILL not speaking to me about something I said on Facebook years ago. Words are powerful.

I’m going to be a LITTLE more careful about what I say and how I say it. #ILoveWhitePeople is my new hashtag. LOL

Thanks Jessye. Mark, I’m sorry.

-CHW

 

The Process of Shrinking My Anxiety

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder (and clinical depression) the summer after I graduated high school. The diagnosis was and still is a big deal because black people hardly go to the physical doctor so they really don’t go to the head doctor. There was an incident my senior year with in the principals office when I went postal and almost ended up in handcuffs. I told my mother that at times, I felt like I literally couldn’t control myself. Later, I realized that these were anxiety attacks and very treatable.

I carry my anxiety in my chest. When I’m having an attack, my chest gets tight and my heart beats very fast. Different people with anxiety disorder have different symptoms. It is my desire to educate people through my experience and encourage ERRRbody to go to therapy and get on the necessary medicines that you need. Especially, people of color; just having this brown skin is enough reason to go talk to somebody about our frustrations.

Also, especially Christians. Sitting in a pew and praying that thing away is not the solution for everything (that’s another post for another day). I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer and faith. I also believe God gave DOCTORS the knowledge and us the MEDICINE to be able to function a little better. Diabetic people take their insulin. I make sure I take my anti depressants/anti anxiety medicine.

That being said, with prayer and taking my medicine there were some things I’ve had to do recently to.. shrink my anxiety if you will. Put together a little list that I hope helps somebody.  Like to hear it, hear it go.

1. I Moved

My lease was up in May/June. It was time for me to move out of that place. My roommate moved her boyfriend in, they were playing house (again, another post for another day) while I was paying the electricity, cable and internet by myself. I addressed the issue with her, told her I didn’t sign up to live with him and nothing really happened. I came home vexed daily. The resentment I felt paying half the bills with 3 people living in the house added to my daily anxiety. I couldn’t enjoy my own townhouse. I stayed in my room all the time because I was not feeling my living situation.

Your home must be your sanctuary. Being out all day at work is supposed to be a little stressful, coming home is supposed to be relief. I wasn’t getting that. I’ve moved and now look forward to coming home.

2. I clean my car and my room20140626_144543

I spend lots of time in my car and in my room and because those are the two places I eat there’s always lots of trash in these spaces.  A cluttered space is a cluttered mind. I’m addicted to Thorton’s ice and I just threw away 4 of those 40 oz cups from my room. Again, your home has to be your sanctuary.

Cleaning and decluttering has never been a habit of mine because my mother has OCD and did it for me my whole life. She STILL cleans out my car and room when I go home. The de-cluttering habit is still being worked on. Yall pray my strength in the Lord. LOL

3. I stopped carrying around 2 cell phones

I had my personal phone and my business phone. I realized I was constantly looking for the other phone while I had one in my hand. They both were constantly ringing and buzzing. One of them was always about dead and I was constantly looking for a charger or an outlet to keep them both charged. I never knew which number to give out.. It was just too much. Nobody should be constantly accessible. With two phones, ‘me’ time was very hard. I turned off the business phone (which is saving us about $70 a month) and sold it for a similar model. I’m giving away the old personal phone to someone who provides phones for soldiers stationed abroad.

3b. I turned off sound notifications and the vibration feature

The chime of text messages, emails, facebook, twitter, tinder, & games is unnecessary. I check my phone when I want, not when it tells me to. I also always silence it when I’m sleeping. People always say ‘what if it’s an emergency?’ If it’s an emergency, call 911. I’m not the ambalamps. Society functioned just fine without cell phones. I’ll wake up and check my messages eventually.

4. I turned off my cable

As I’ve gotten older, I rarely watch TV. I still haven’t plugged in the one TV I have in my new place. The news and reality TV are my guilty pleasures. But I had to realize they can be poisonous and constantly trying to get home to make sure I catch the latest LHHATL or Catfish takes away from quality time with friends and just being out of the house enjoying myself. I do have wifi in the new spot and use netflix or DVDs if i want to watch something. I mostly listen to music in my leisure time though. Also, I’m saving about $100 a month. Eliminating anxiety is saving me around $170 a month so far. Ain’t God good?!

5. I got off Facebook/Twitter (as often)

As someone who’s profession is heavily involved in social media, I had to deliberately NOT get on facebook and twitter. People only share what they want to and looking on your screen seeing happy couples and people having babies while you’re laying in bed alone is depressing. I have no desire to be in a relationship or be somebody’s wife or momma for the next 5-10 years but social media can still make a young single person feel out of place.

Another reason I got off social media is because when we overshare our lives, we let people’s opinions and energy influence us and that is not what we are made for. We are made to have some privacy, some intimate moments that we don’t let everybody see. There is power in sharing our lives, but there is peace in keeping some things private.

I do miss live tweeting/facebooking shows and I’ll probably turn my cable back on (in a limited capacity) when Scandal comes back because there are some things I just must have (LOL) but it is important to know that I don’t need to sit in front of the TV to relax anymore.

6. I take my medicine

I’m habitually scatterbrained and side tracked. If I go more than about 30 hours without my medicine I may get nauseous, have a headache, an anxiety attack or a number of things. It is important for me to take my medicine every 24 hours. I set an alarm on my phone that says “Take your Medicine”

7. I budgeted my money for the next 4 months

I believe money causes all of us anxiety. I’m a ‘free lancer’ in my field and with one of my main jobs I get a check every 4 months instead of the regular 15th and the 30th. Last check I didn’t budget as well as I should have and ran out of money too early. This month I made a chart and made sure that my bills would be paid until October. That eliminated a HELL of alot of anxiety.

bootcamp8. I exercise

Working my body as hard as my mind has really lined up my energy in a positive way. Also, I have a hell of a lot of weight to drop. I joined a bootcamp with a wonderful (scary) trainer and a bunch of ladies who aren’t scared to yell at me but are also very encouraging. It is one of the most positive things I’ve done for myself in my life. Pushing your body and mind to it’s limits sweats out physical and mental toxins and also makes you realize that this thing is mental and you have control over not only your body but your life as well.

9. I’m learning to express my feelings.

I may need to cry. I made need to punch something. I may need a hug or somebody to talk to. I had to realize that those needs make me human. Friday, we buried my grandmother’s sister. We ALL sat there and hugged each other and cried because we miss grandmomma and we will miss Aunt “Nit”. I found myself beating myself up Friday night because my heart was so heavy with grief. But why shouldn’t it be? My grandmother’s generation is slowly going home to be with the Lord and I (we) miss them. It was the day of one of my favorite aunt’s funerals and I was supposed to be sad. I was supposed to want to cry. 3 generations

10. Prayer/Faith/Scripture

I am a Christian. My identity is wrapped in Christ. I had to improve my prayer life. “Oh what peace we often forfeit…” I had to go to the word of God, the love letter He inspired for us to realize that He has plans for me and I must walk in His will and EVERYTHING will come into place.

—-

This is all a process, I’m not telling anybody what they need to do, i’m just sharing this particular part of my journey. I pray it helps somebody. I hope it inspires. I hope somebody feels compelled to share.

I think this is the longest one I’ve wrote in years! Whew!

Thank you for reading, thank you for passing it along. Feel free to shoot me an email at cagwilliamson@gmail.com.

-CHW

 

 

Woes of a Social Media Expert

It’s hard being an actual social media expert, because everyone thinks they’re a social media expert… just like everyone with a Nikon thinks they’re a photographer.

I’m never one be braggadocios because everything I have is because of God’s grace (*praise break*). But once I have it, I know it’s mine. I spent 5 years (and thousands of my parents and grandparent’s dollars) at the illustrious University of Louisville to earn my degree in Communications, I’ve studied under some of the best social media experts and ran global, national and local social media campaigns.

My problem is everybody thinks they have my same level of expertise because they know how to post memes on facebook. It’s frustrating because I worked hard to attain my skills.

I’m the social media manager of the company I work for. A co-worker of mine asked for all social media pswds today. Nigga. No. Idk why people won’t stay in their own lane. I can’t run the successful social media campaigns I know how to run if errbody and they momma have the pswds to the pages. Am I being unreasonable?

Then I got former co-workers asking me about why I chose the hashtags I chose. Ma’am. Maybe I’m easily offended and I don’t mind questions, but it’s all in how you ask. She came at my sideways and doesn’t even work for the company anymore.

My point is, stay in your lane. Hone your area of expertise and don’t ask a mechanic about what he’s doing if you don’t know an engine from muffler. It’s insulting.

What do yall think? Am I unreasonable? What’s your area of expertise?

-CW

24 things I’ve learned in 24 years.

My birthday was Dec 2, I turned 24. I do these lists every year. Enjoy. 

1. Lust can make us think we love somebody we don’t even like.

2. Going out to the club every weekend is an unhealthy, wasteful lifestyle.

3. Church is no indication of your relationship with God

4. I don’t have to answer my phone.

5. Biology is no indication of gender. Gender performance is no indication of sexuality.

6. Society wants to make promiscuity acceptable. I can’t.

7. Having sex with someone is an exchange of spiritual energy. It makes it damn near impossible to get them out of your system even after they leave your bed.

8. We must hold celebrities to a higher standard. R. Kelly raped a child AND filmed it and we act like it never happened. We ain’t seen Beyoncè’s real nose or skin color since Destiny’s child and she’s black royalty… who doesn’t even want to be black.

9. The Bible is God’s love letter to us.

10. There is prestige in a college degree. We are often made ashamed to be proud of our accomplishments to appease high school diplomas. I’m over It.

11. Looking for love, acceptance,  affection? You won’t find it in sex.

12. The respect I get from being myself and open about it far outweighs the appeasement I’d give to loved ones if I was closeted.

13. White people are the spawn of Satan.

14. People put up with a lot of shit in order to not be alone.  I’m happy to be single because of the relationships I see around me.

15. Smart people drive VWs. Idiots drive Dodges. Don’t argue.

16. Patience

17. How you look matters. Nobody wants an ugly person that’s “nice on the inside”.

18. People aren’t religious because they don’t want to have any morals to answer to.. while benefiting from a moral life.

19. Music is everything!

20. God makes it very apparent to us who we are and what we’re called to do. We just  don’t want the responsibility of our calling.

21. The way we treat others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

22. What peace we often forfeit… What needless pains we bear (bare?) all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!

23. Who you hang out with matters.. messy people dont hang out with the clean.

24. Holiness is STILL right. 

The Depot, Covington, Ga.

It’s always good to get away and visit a new town. Being a tourist is fun, but when we visit an unfamiliar city we like to see where the locals hang out right? If you are looking for a place to visit while in Covington, Ga., the Depot Sports Bar and Grill is the perfect tourist attraction.

The Depot boasts of a friendly atmosphere with reasonably priced dishes and drinks. It also has an all-you-can-eat buffet. Whether you want to play friendly game of pool with a local or enjoy karaoke with your friends The Depot is the place to be.

Located on Emory Street off of Covington’s Atlanta Pkwy, there’s a full bar and a buffet with lots of vegetable options. The Depot boasts of historical charm, the restaurant used to be a train station and some of the seats are in train cars; a detail I really appreciated.

Image

The staff is very attentive and personal. I felt right at home during my visit. I was told he bar doesn’t get too crowded until about 11:30pm; which is around the time they stop serving food. I was there with friends around 9pm and enjoyed chicken from the all-you-can-eat buffet. I am no pool or card player, but I did enjoy watching locals and my friends sing karaoke, after a few drinks of course. 

When you visit Covington, Georgia. The Depot Sports Bar and Grill with its local/neighborhood vibe and home cooked dishes is one tourist attraction that must be on your list.

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Now usually I don’t do this, but uh…

I’ll write about politics nshit all day.. but I’m sensitive about my rhymes.. so if it sucks, tell me in a nice way.. or a mean way.. i can handle it. I think my rhymes are wack but I’m very hard on myself so tell me what you think… wrote this last week.. I may or may not have been thinking of somebody in particular when I wrote this. Was it you?
Like to hear it? Hear it go!
the perfect storm.
it starts to sprinkle, i get a peck..
rains a little harder you kiss my neck..
clouds separating just like my legs…
mad with a clap of thunder cause you have that affect on me..
intense eyes in yours cause you got me mentally…
physically, sweating, scratching hope I’m pleasing
a flash of lightning across us and I’m almost pleading..
asking for permission..
thighs against your ears so you can’t be listening.
Thunder.
lightning.
I exhale as the climax is reached..
its sprinkling again as we drift off to sleep…
(c) 2012

 

 

 

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My pop.

When you’re apart of a marginalized group, in this case LGBT folk, sometimes you have to create your own family. Our own families often times don’t act like family once they figure out you’re going to hell or whatever… The other day I was on a radio show and the asked what my favorite part about being LGBT was. I thought about my pop. Sully Sr. aka Sindro aka Sonny Blowdro aka Nick..

I’m fortunate enough to be apart of a great LGBT family. The Supernovas. We aren’t a house like the rest of black gay culture.. cause we too cute. We’re truly a fam. I have parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles that are Supernovas. But today I’m going to talk about my Pop. 

Him and I met a few years ago. I never remember how I meet people, but we quickly realized how much alike we were. I don’t think we were ever strangers. Like many fruitful relationships, I’ve learned alot from him. He’s a transman. I’ve had trans friends before but none as close as I’ve been with him. I think trans people have the best stories to tell and often times get separated from gay and lesbian people. We ALL have lots to learn from them. Matter of fact, he refers to me as his son. In that, I learned that gender is simply a social idea that’s hard for EVERYBODY to adhere to at one time. He’s made me very comfortable in my masculinity as many people have tried to make me feel weird because of it. 

Oh, it was his birthday yesterday so that’s why I’m writing this entry. 🙂 

I love him. I admire him. I want to be like him. My biological father didn’t raise me, my step father left when I was around 8. So there’s always been a void. I met him in my young adult hood but the void he’s filled is more than I can probably express in words. His wife and I treat me like they had me and as far as my personality goes, I’m a mixture of both of them. Mean and objective like him, sensitive and emotional like her. 

I owe the Supernovas alot. Over this short time that I’ve known them they’ve gave me support in every way that a kidd could need. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and hope I get a chance to pay them back one day… With bitches, green and food. Yow. 

-CK