Category Archives: Relationships/Sex

My Heart is Beating Too Fast Because Nobody Cares About Black Women

My heart rate has consistently been on the fast end of normal so my doctor sent me to the cardiologist. The cardiologist checked out my EKG and told me nothing is wrong with my heart, I just need to address my anxiety.

I knew this.

Both my primary doctor and cardiologist are white women so I didn’t feel that explaining to them my heart is beating too rapidly because of how the society I live in treats Black/Woman/Queer bodies would be fruitful. They wouldn’t get it. Maybe I should’ve given them a chance, but with this heart, I can’t afford to give out too many of those.

For nearly 30 years, I’ve been living in a society that not only doesn’t protect me, but will justify why I deserved whatever happens to me. If someone grabs my collar at work, my attitude is bad, if I’m a victim of sexual abuse as a teen, I’m ‘too fast’. 

There is no question social media has turned a mirror on us. Korryn Gaines was one of the first times I realized that we (Black people) weren’t willing to rally around Black-woman victims of police brutality like we are for Black men. The silence and shrugs around Marissa Alexander, Sandra Bland, R. Kelly’s victims and countless Black-woman/girl-victims is telling. The silence is loud. 

Why is my heart beating so fast? 
America doesn’t care about women.
America doesn’t care about Black people.
America doesn’t care about Black women. 
Not enough Black people don’t care about Black women.


As Black women, we’ve rallied around Black men, white women (and everyone in between) without question because we know exactly what it feels like to have NOBODY advocate for you. We’ve done the work because we know that nobody else. We stood up for Stephon Clark despite his misogyny because regardless of the victim’s transgressions, murdering someone because of their race is wrong. The question now is, who is going to have the courage to stand up for us? 

I think I’ve found peace (as much as I can) with the fact white people dgaf about us, but my own people? I’m never going to be able to tolerate it. Judging by my Facebook feed, my heart rate is not going back to normal any time soon. I long for a time before social media, where I had no insight into people’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Ignorance truly is bliss.

The documentary #SurvivingRKelly came on last night. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch it with everybody. It was the worst day of my period, I had a sinus headache and seasonal depression was winning. Besides, that documentary wasn’t going to tell us anything about R. Kelly we don’t already know. He is a serial rapist. He is a pedophile. R. Kelly is a sick son of a bitch. But, his music sounds good and his victims are Black girls so we aren’t going to do anything about it.

My friends in the group chat were talking about it, I would just experience it vicariously until I was ready to watch for myself. I was NOT ready for the storm on social media. I had fallen asleep last night and completely forgot about the documentary. I just wasn’t thinking about it this morning.

 

Then I signed on Facebook and my heart rate sped up. 

Here we are in 2019 and niggas are still playing logic olympics, to justify R. Kelly (and his enablers) decades of abuse. There is just no music good enough to support somebody who has for YEARS sexually abused and manipulated and paid off multiple Black girls and women.

The problem is men can never be accountable, only victims; and girls can never be victims, only accountable. No child should be ‘too grown’ or ‘too fast’ for an adult not to be able to shut it down. I’m closer to 30 than 20. There have been occasions throughout my 20s, I had teenagers (boys AND girls) pushing up on me, I shut it down because I am an adult. R. Kelly and adults like him are not and cannot be victims of children. They are the ones seeking them out. 

Furthermore, lets shut down the legal argument. Sure, he’s never been convicted, but neither was George Zimmerman, but he’s still guilty right? What if Black women kept that ‘never convicted, we don’t know what really happened’ energy the next time a Black man becomes a hashtag? Maybe you all would begin to understand the fear and hopelessness that comes with watching an R. Kelly fan dig their heels into the ground defending rape. 


I was so angry this morning, I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and was told ‘talk about it’. We cannot solve what we do not address. So many Black girls were victimized by R.Kelly because of cowards who would not say anything. So, I’m saying something. I’m sharing what yall are saying and I’m not blocking out names. If you are bold enough to defend it, I’m bold enough to show it. 


I decided to collect screenshots of the all the comments/posts from people in my network justifying and victim blaming abuse and rape of Black girls. I posted a status letting people know that I would be collecting, and people started sharing screen shots they saw as well. Feel free to contribute your own. I’m going to post a collection on my page as well.

If it is exposed, we cannot ignore it and maybe then we’ll rally around the victims like they deserve. 

I just hope my heart beat will slow down, eventually.

Keep Pushin.

– Carrie

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A Comprehensive List of What I’m Not Discussing in 2019

Happy New Year, friends! First of all, thank you so much for your support. I’m starting a weight loss vlog situation, so follow @carriekeeppushn on instagram, twitter and snapchat for all the fun! Lets get to it!

This year whenever social media would stress me, my mom would say something along the lines of, “there are many things in life you HAVE to do that stress you. This isn’t one of them.” She would always encourage me to simply disconnect with the people that upset me. Unfriend, unfollow, block, whatever.

I’ve made unfriending and unfollowing a habit in the latter part of this year, and it is always a relief reminding myself that I don’t have to do this.

I quickly realized that it wasn’t just people that were the issues, certain conversations were too. So, I started this list formerly known as ‘What I’m not arguing about on Facebook Anymore’ to ‘What I’m not discussing in 2019’ as they cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. This is my final (public) word on these issues.

Vaccination: I don’t even like healthy children. I REALLY don’t like sick ones. This issue doesn’t need any more of my energy because I don’t have children. When I do have children, they will be vaccinated and if you or your children are not vaccinated you can’t come to my house and see my newborn. If you haven’t been to medical school, I’m not taking medical advice from thee.

Your Pastor/My Pastor: It just gets too ugly too quickly. Pastors are off limits. We can talk about other people’s pastors though.

Child Support: This conversation is too personal to me, as I’m the child of a mother who received very little financial support from my father. Hearing anyone complain about having to pay child support, twist logic into why its too much or they shouldn’t have to pisses me off as I’m still waiting on my father to be a parent (and will be turning 30 in 2019). I HATE debates about how much celebrities should have to pay because why the hell wouldn’t you want your kids and the person taking care of them to have as comfortable as a lifestyle as you?!

Two conversations in particular that sparked this were a woman helping her fiance get out of paying child support to his baby’s mommas (I can’t find it) and Matt Barnes and Rob Kardashian. I’m pretty sure I lost friends from both conversations. Also, posts like this one.

Wear condoms. Get to know somebody before you have a baby with them.

R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, etc… Basically any Black man who has raped and abused women that yall defend because you like their music/movies/TV show/athleticism. Heathcliff Huxtable does not exist. He is not your father. R. Kelly cannot make music good enough to justify raping dozens of Black girls and women. There is no music good enough. This upsets me as a victim, as a Black woman and a person who loves many Black girls and women. I just wish it would upset you too. No conversation makes me feel more hopeless, fearful and alone.

“People always trying to tear down the Black man!” Bill Cosby wasn’t going to by NBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, or DEF, or GHI. That’s not how networks work and IF he was going to make a purchase, some white person or group of white people with more money would’ve bought it first.

Why you can’t call me a ‘female’ or use the N word (white people): because I said so. Any other conversation is a disregard for my feelings and you aren’t worth the time a conversation will take anyway.

Birth Control/Abortion: I’m pro-choice and pro-mindyabusiness. Women should have access to abortions, birth control and hysterectomies without the approval of any man that may or may not be in their life. They should also have access to free birth control, pap smears/testing, mammograms, a year for maternity leave and paid time off during the worst 2 days of menstruation. Fight me.

Christmas, Halloween, Easter: I’m not arguing with Christians who think they’ll get a better seat in Heaven for not celebrating the aforementioned holidays and for telling us why those of us who choose to shouldn’t EVERY DAMN YEAR as if they are presenting new information or have some special access to the Holy Ghost the rest of us don’t have.

Breast Feeding: Again, it doesn’t need my energy because I don’t have children. Put a blanket over YOUR head if breasts disgust you, but also close that porn hub link with breasts in it before you argue why breasts are inappropriate. I’ll probably breast feed publicly (depending on the opinion of my partner) because people typically know better than to try me.

Gender Reveal Parties: If you want to have a party celebrating your unborn child’s penis or vagina, by all means. I think they are narcissistic and unecessary. You don’t know anyone’s gender until they tell you. Yall real concerned about the ‘gay agenda’ and your children. Gender reveal parties are the ‘straight agenda’. LOL

Transgender People: If I have to convince you why any group of people are human and worthy of respect and protection you, again aren’t worth the time a conversation would take. If you are speculating about someone’s genitals, you probably haven’t even washed your own today. The life expectancy of trans women of color is 35. THIRTY FIVE. Your antagonistic language contributes to their deaths. This isn’t something I’m willing to joke about or hear ‘its not that serious.’ because IT IS THAT SERIOUS. There are transgender people in my life that I love and will protect at all costs. Use the correct pronouns, do not use the wrong pronouns to insult. Do not catch these hands.

Sex Workers: I saw a meme that said ‘Is she a prostitute or a provider?’ Does what she eat make you shit, nigga?

You’re just mad they’re getting paid to do what you give away. They are no less worthy of respect because of their profession. The industry needs to be regulated and protected. If two consensual adults want to engage in a business transaction, they should be able to. You like sex don’t you? You watch porn? You should support sex work.


Mediocrity in Romantic Relationships:
“Should you fix your man’s plate?”
“Who eats first, your husband or your children?”
“If he pays for dinner, do you leave the tip?”
“Is sitting in the park eating sour patch straws a date?”

These are questions broke, mediocre, dumbass, men pose looking for Pick-me Penelopes who think having a penis (that probably can’t give a woman an orgasm) entitles them to being treated like a ‘KANG’.

Translation to all these questions: Since you’re a Black woman, you’ll take the bare minimum, right?

And yes, I know.. ‘not all men’ an ‘choose better men’. I know.



This concludes the list. I’ve had these conversations, these arguments, the ANXIETY. I’ve used all the energy I’m going to use on people who don’t have the maturity to disagree without it getting personal, with people not as informed as I am and with nignogs who insist on gaslighting and being loud and wrong.


I’ve been purging items all day. I’ve purged these discussions. I feel so much better. I feel refreshed and motivated. I got goals, nigga.

Nothing magical is going to happen at midnight. You will be the same person you were at December 1st, 11:59pm as you are January 1st, 12:00am. It is up to you to decide that you’re going to make a change, that you’re tired, that you’re fed the fuck up.

Please follow my weight-loss journey at @CarrieKeepPushn and look out for updates right here.



Thank you so much for your support. Like, comment, and share! What are you leaving in 2018? What are you taking with you to 2019?

Keep Pushin!
– Carrie






“Mouthy Female”

I’ve always been bold. I have moments where I look back and think “I can’t believe I just said that.” More often my thoughtful moments are “Why won’t anybody say anything?” A good friend of mine tells me I have “no filter.” I think he may be right. For me, the need for the truth to be put out there always outweighs the need to keep the peace. Peace is overrated. 

For the sake of my own mental health, I’ve made a conscious effort to stay out of controversy on Facebook. I’ve challenged myself to use that ‘backspace’ on my keyboard and keep on scrolling. I’ve ended arguments with “Be blessed!” and I’ve unfriended and blocked some people. I’ve prayed for people instead of writing a think piece in the ‘reply’. I can’t save everybody. Jesus saved half the people on Calvary, Harriet left plenty of slaves on the plantation. Everybody ain’t going to Canaan. Some will be left behind. 

I think I backslid Wednesday though. There’s one Facebook friend I’ve decided to keep around (against my better judgement). I don’t want to delete everyone I disagree with. One, I’d have no friends and two, I must become mature enough to disagree with people and not ruin the friendship right?

He’s a Black man in his 60s and expresses the vilest opinions on women. He’s one of them ‘lady vs. ho’ niggas. He defended Brett Kavanaugh like he was getting paid. He said Stacey Abrams wasn’t ready. I keep telling him he can use a lot less words to say ‘I hate women, especially Black women.” 

I know I’m supposed to ‘respect my elders’. He’s the same age as my parents. But I believe at times we use that as an excuse to just let old people say anything to us just because they managed not to die yet. At some point, I’m a grown ass woman and adult to adult, you really don’t want this smoke. 

His sentiments on Stacey Abrams, my fierce opposition and his response is what led to this comment.

“Mouthy Females” sent me. I hollered. That’s what hit dogs do after all.

I HATE being called a female. I hate that people use ‘female’ to describe women. Female is an adjective, not a noun. I am female. I’m not a female. I’m a woman. “Female what? Lizard?” is what I always say. Female is the new ‘bitch’. After you call me a female, I’m done listening. But what good would it have been using my energy telling ‘Shady Pines’ why he shouldn’t call me a female? One, I know a few 60+ year old Black people. They ain’t changing. Two, I knew my Facebook friends would let him have it. 

“MOUTHY FEMALES? REALLY.?!” was the theme of the responses. It was too funny to offend me though. So to calm down my friends (who I so appreciate for defending me) I jokingly commented. “I’m putting ‘mouthy female’ on a shirt. That’s golden.” I was joking. I was jussplayin. But then I kept getting messages asking to buy one.

Here’s where I tell you to like HunnyChile, my (and my mother’s) T-Shirt company on Facebook and visit our website.

I designed a ‘Mouthy Female’ shirt as a reclamation. It was meant to be derogatory, meant to hurt my feelings. But like “Nasty Woman”, like the N word. I’m taking it back.

I wouldn’t be described as ‘mouthy’ if I was a man. In the past I have tried not to be mouthy because I was afraid of what men would think of me. I had to stop auditioning to be the wife of every man I came across. I have to speak up for what is right. I have to tell men why they were wrong or to keep their hands to themselves because no one else would. I had to be mouthy.

I have to be a ‘mouthy female’ for some shy little girl who needs to know that it is OK and necessary that she speak up. 

I was a shy little girl. My mom, aunts, Stacey Abrams, Maxine Waters, April Ryan and countless other women were/are those ‘mouthy females’ for me. In times such as these, it is necessary for females, women, femmes to be Mouthy.

If you want one and to support your favorite mouthy female, order a “Mouthy Female” shirt in white or black, while supplies last. Most importantly, keep being mouthy!

– Carrie 




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#LevelUp These

You’re familiar with the old adage, that if you roll your eyes they could get stuck like that. This can’t possibly be true. Or maybe, black women in the black church are immune to it. That’s like a evolution thing right?

The singer Ciara posted this clip of Pastor John Gray at a women’s conference of all places with the caption #LevelUp.

My friend asked me what I thought before I had even seen it. We discussed how Proverbs 18:22 is misinterpreted and over quoted in church. The ‘spirit of girlfriend’ whatever the hell that means isn’t addressed in that passage or an in the Bible. In this passage, the task is left to the man to find a wife, and niggas in the pulpit have still found a way to make the woman responsible.

I found a longer clip and Pastor Gray goes on to tell women basically to not wear makeup and weave because he’s looking for ‘the real you’and not the ‘projected you’. Do yall REALLY think women have a MAN in mind when doing their hair and makeup? We’re doing that for each other or for our damn selves. Black women are innovators when it comes to hair and make up and plenty sistas need to beat their face DAILY.

Furthermore, statistically, Black women in large part are marrying “down” to men with less education and who make less money. So in our case getting married is rarely a #LevelUp. “Finding” a Black wife is the #LevelUp so why doesn’t the Black church address boys and men? It instead gives men permission to treat women who aren’t wives however they want to.

Plus, the way yall talk about marriage? Got the nerve to tell me to #LevelUp and you climbing in bed with a broke man that can’t give you an orgasm. You #LevelUp first, sus. You. First.

And since we’re at church… There are plenty examples in the Bible of how men should treat women, what kind of husbands and fathers they should be. Let’s look at one. I have time. #BibleStudywithCarrie

When Joseph found out Mary was pregnant, he didn’t blast her on Facebook, he was hurt of course because he assumed Mary cheated on him and wasn’t trying to marry her. “But because Joseph… was a righteous man he was unwilling to disgrace her publicly, he resolved to divorce her privately.” (Matthew 1:19 CarrieOn version)

Joseph treated Mary honorably while he still believed she got pregnant by one of them Roman soldiers (I’m making this up, you’ll deal). THEN, he married her anyway and waited to have sex with her until Jesus was born. We only come to this passage of scripture during Christmas time, but I believe a few brothas could stand to learn about Joseph’s burden. Joseph treated Mary graciously as God treats us. We see Joseph following the command to treat your wife as Christ treats the church. Aren’t you glad God treats you with Grace?

There are plenty of fathers and husband in pulpits across America (women are kept out of many). Why is no one discussing being a husband and fatherhood?

My family is victim to a few men who weren’t taught to be husbands and fathers so when I hear niggas in the pulpit talking about women need to ‘cover up’ or ‘learn to cook’ or ‘stop wearing all that make up’ my eyes roll hard. They haven’t got stuck yet.

What if a woman (or man) enjoys being single and doesn’t want children? How does the church minister to women outside of being a wife and mother? In large part it doesn’t.

Personally, I’m trying to lose 100 lbs, make millions off my businesses, then invest in a farm. There’s no room for a husband and children in this vision. That isn’t what I want at the moment. (Eventually, I want children. I NEVER have to have a husband but I want my kids in a 2-parent household so I suppose I’ll get one. I digress.)

We are doing girls and women a disservice when we indoctrinate them to believe they are only valuable attached to  man. Don’t get me wrong, Mothers and wives are superheros and that’s what many women do want. That’s fine. But there are plenty of women who have other goals and aspirations and are just as LIT single.

Finally, we should teach people to be ‘good’ because it pleases God, not to please and impress other sinners.

In conclusion, women you’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Adam needed Eve, not the other way around. The first Gentile to declare Jesus the messiah was a woman, the first person to declare Jesus resurrected was a woman. You can do whatever you want husband or none. Prosper.

-CW

 

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Lent Commentary Week 1: Sitting like KellyAnne Conway

Peace, yall. Welcome new followers! Thank you for following! Follow me on twitter and snap at @andcarrieon7 and like my Facebook page CarrieAmanda.

During Lent I’ll post every Wednesday, lets get into it.

I won’t assume everybody knows what Lent is so here’s a brief description. Lent is the 40 days before Easter. It symbolizes Jesus’ 40 day withdrawal into the wilderness.

The purpose of lent for the Christian is self-denial in preparation of the celebration of Christ’s death, burial and resurrection which is Easter.

It’s not just a Catholic holiday as many believe. Many Christian denominations observe lent; Normally by giving up or fasting from something. Use your Googles for more info. This ain’t Wikipedia.

I haven’t observed lent in a few years. It always sneaks up on me and I’ve been too lazy to give up something. It takes effort.

I gave up Facebook, am doing the #BathroomBreakChallenge (word to my friend Imani at christiancontrolfreak.com) and a Lent Bible reading plan. It has already been very rewarding.

Hindsight is 2020 right? I’ve learned that I was relying too much on my job/money, my material possessions, social status/friends and not God. Idol gods aren’t just golden statues. God will take all that away to get your attention. I left my job (money and insurance), lost some people my damn car broke down, and I’m nuts.

God Got me leaning on the everlasting arms, honey. It may not feel like I have much but this Peace I have outweighs all of that.

Since I’m not on Facebook, i get most of my news a little later when I sit down and look so heres my commentary on notable news:

kellyanne, girlKellyAnne was sitting on that couch like a child with no home training. You know how a
little girl isnt used to wearing a dress and you have to tell her “put ya legs down baby”. I had the urge to tell KellyAnne that but she’s a whole entire adult. There ain’t but a FEW reasons to have your leg open this far and this was not one of those occasions.

Ben Carson is another whole entire adult that has life wrong. I am still waiting on Ashton Kutcher to come out on the country and tell us we’re punked. This nigga is a brain surgeon that said the ancestors were “immigrants” that came over on slave ships. If they were immigrants WHY WERE THEY CALLED SLAVE SHIPS. The leader of HUD, yall. Has he ever seen Roots?!? I didn’t know brain surgeons could be THIS stupid. Maybe he’s in the sunken place, him and Kanye. Can we go get them or..? The bar has been lowered tremendously for all things. Now is the time to pursue whatever you want. I’m trying out for the NFL.

Third and final commentary. Yall want Ciara to be miserable so bad. If Ciara had stayed ciarawith Future, was raising Baby Future by herself, getting cheated on, singing sad ass songs and miserable, nobody would have anything to say. She released this gorgeous maternity photo and black ashy twitter is up in arms. Yall mad at Ciara for having the nerve to move on and marry a man that loves her and her son instead of being mad at Future who is nowhere to be found. A miserable black woman is so normal to us, we’re offended when she is happy.

If you don’t want another man in your son’s life, BE THE MAN IN YOUR SONS LIFE, NIGGA. Keep on prospering Ciara. Keep right the hell on.

me daddy mommaI’m so passionate about Ciara because look at this photo to the left. That is baby Carrie. The man holding baby Carrie is not my biological father. But he is my daddy. He married my mom when I was that age and raised me as his own. My biological father still ain’t interested in being a parent. It’s too late anyhow. So F you and your couch if you’re mad at Ciara. She isn’t the one in the wrong.

Note: I know it looks like that’s my brother holding me. LOL The resemblance is uncanny. He wasn’t even born yet. Ah the days of being an only child.

Ok, I think that’s all I got to say. I never know how to end these things.

Till next Wednesday. Bless your heart and all your parts.

– CAGW

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It doesn’t always feel good.

Obeying God, doing the right thing, doing what’s needed does not always feel good.

A few examples

Bishop Eddie Long passed. As a victim of sexual abuse, I will probably (want to) do the Harlem Shake and running man on the grave of my abuser. But how I feel about my abuser doesn’t matter because neither Heaven or Hell, me or him belong to me. What if I told you that Bishop Eddie Long was in Heaven? Speaking about a believer’s sin after they pass gives the power to the sin and not to Jesus. I feel like I’m defending Bishop Long and it does not FEEL good. Obeying God, being a Christian, Evangelizing… doesn’t always feel good. A believer goes to Heaven. Period. It says WHOSOEVER BELIEVES in my Bible… not whosoever acts right.

Next example, I feel lonely. (I can’t believe I’m sharing this with yall.) I feel isolated from my friends and family. I’m an introvert but I’m bit of a social butterfly at times. For whatever reason I cannot get anybody closer than arm’s length right now.. All I keep hearing is ‘focus on yourself’ when I pray. Working on Carrie is the best thing to do right now but it does not FEEL GOOD!

Third example, I decided to not give my biological father the opportunity to disappoint me any further. He does not have the heart to be a parent and I don’t chase grown ass people. He has me (and my mom) blocked on Facebook (lol) and he didn’t get my new number when I changed it recently. That doesn’t just not feel good. It feels horrible. The dude that made me doesn’t want to parent me? It’s so tragic its funny. (More on that later, that’s a good story)

Final example, I left my corporate job. I did the right thing. I went to school, got a degree (BARELY) and a nice job.. and that did not feel good. I was very unhappy.  I had a mental breakdown as a result of doing what I THOUGHT was right. After I left my job, I lost my insurance and of course that paycheck. I was broke and could not afford the care I needed (still can’t).

But in the midst of doing what was right and not what felt good I found peace. I felt better the MINUTE I made the decision I wasn’t going back to that job. I realized that I should not be sitting at a desk working for somebody. I am an artist. I’m a hustler. In the midst of this revelation, my mom and I started a T-Shirt Company: HunnTees. I started driving for Postmates and have a few more projects in the works. I am broke (for now). I have no insurance (for now) but I am at peace. I am not miserable. I haven’t been able to say that since July.

So, my advice to you is that I know it doesn’t feel good. But keep going because it does not stay that way. Doing what is hard builds character and perseverance. There’s no getting better without suffering. Count it joy! #ThatsBible

-Carrie

 

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Miles and Milan of Love and Hip Hop Hollywood: Out in Hip Hop!

I got on twitter last Monday and was intrigued by a conversation about somebody coming out on some TV Show. So I asked my followers, “What are yall watching?”. My homegirl told me Love and Hip Hop Hollywood.

I don’t watch too much TV during the week. I only watch Empire, Scandal and HTGAWM on the nights they come on. I used to watch LHHATL because Joseline Hernandez gives me all of my life, but I even grew out of her and Steebie.

People keep asking me about this episode and this rapper coming out. So.. Here’s the blog.

miles and amberAfter some research I deduced that aspiring rapper Miles Brock came out to his (ex?) girlfriend Amber and is dating Milan Christopher.

First I watched the “Out and Hip-Hop” special hosted by TJ Holmes. Then, I watched the episode of Miles coming out. I am so happy that homophobia in Hip-Hop, the church and largely black culture is being addressed. Mona Scott-Young did SOMETHING right chile, sometimes I think she’s trying to destroy us (black people) with these shows.

It has always been so interesting to me how masculine, homophobic and hyper sexual hip-hop culture can be while ALSO being very homo-erotic. Many a rapper’s music video has a bunch of men standing around shirtless or in tank tops without a woman in sight. I’ve been to many local hip hop shows. There are always 10 men for every woman. A sausage fest, honey.

Also, I find it interesting that they had Pastor Jamal Bryant on the show addressing sexuality. After all, he did cheat on his wife and almost lose his church so he’s probably not the one to address sexual sin. Maybe him and Mona are friends *shrugs* out in hip hop

Moving on…

After I watched the Out in Hip-Hop special, I watched the episode where Miles Brock comes out to Amber. My first thought: Amber sitting on a couch with THIS young lady and does not know that he’s gay? Chiiile he was FEESH. (Disclaimer: in no way does someone’s gender expression coincide with their sexual preference but I know a gay man when I see one 87% of the time, honey. Idc idc idc)

Second thought: Amber’s reaction was waayyy over the top. She acted like somebody had told her that her puppy had been ran over or something, acted completely blind-sided. Girl Bye. Everybody been telling yall he gay since High School. Amber knew he was gay, she just thought her vagina was golden and she could ‘cure’ him. They probably be doing each others eyebrows…

miles milanNow, Miles and Milan’s relationship is breaking new ground and looking back they probably will be seen as pioneers but let me say this. Miles lied to Amber and that isn’t a heroic quality We have got to cultivate a society that makes it easier for black men in particular to come out of the closet and be up front about their sexual preferences. If I was with a man who was sucking dxck and then coming home and kissing me in the mouth, I’d want to know. (Likewise, if he was eating somebody else’s kitty kat) like give me a choice about my body. I’m with you. But you’re making choices for me if you’re with somebody else while you’re with me and that isn’t fair.

If you love somebody, they deserve a choice. Keep it 100. Man up. If you’re having sex with me, I need to know who else you having sex with. You ain’t about to bring home no ebola or tuberculosis in my bed without my knowledge, that’s not cute. (I know those aren’t sexually transmitted diseases, don’t be in my inbox trying to educate me on STD’s. Not my area of expertise.. click clank) I figure if you’re sneaking around with a man, he’s probably ALSO sneaking around and might have a woman or women as well. That’s AT LEAST 2 more bodies. Then who else is his woman sleeping with? Feel me? That’s ALOT of transactions.

Also, I find it interesting that Milan admitted he was insecure about Miles’ bisexuality. The bisexuality phenomenon is interesting isn’t it? To gay to be straight, to straight to be gay. Openly bisexual people are brave to me. I think MOST people are bisexual they just chose a side so they won’t be ostracized.

It’s almost like people think bisexual equals promiscuous or liar. Chile, it’s plenty straight/gay people that are cheating. You should want somebody honest. Now Milan, Miles doesn’t seem to have a good track record on honesty so far but that’s because he’s a liar, not because he’s bisexual. Again, lets cultivate a society that makes it easier for people to be 100 about who they are. Hip-Hop values authenticity right?

Other notes on the show

Why is that pretty girl with Soulja Boy? He got a tattoo between his eyebrows and a safari hat on inside. He obviously does not make good decisions.

And who is this guy with this unfortunate teeth throwing his ring away at this beautiful woman and why she kissing him.. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Did she throw up in this store and throw it at somebody? I would’ve blew up the whole city block. I would’ve mailed her head to her great auntie. GROSS.

Yall about to have me watching these coons every Monday. Ugh. So scripted. So ENTERTAINING! So guilty*Hits DVR*

Thus are my thoughts so far. I’ll get to Miles’ sisters and how I think this ALL affects artistry later on this week.

Peace!

 

 

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Purity Certificate: Vagina Carfax

I’m about to start charging yall for these blogs.

Yall always put me in a position to talk bad about fellow negros and fellow Christians.

brebowmanLast weekend, news broke that a young lady in Maryland presented her father with a ‘Certificate of Purity’ at her wedding. The certificate was from her gyno saying that her ‘hymen was still in tact’. Brelyn Freeman now Bowman is pictured posing with the Vagina Carfax Purity Certificate with her dad Pastor Mike Freeman. (He cute ain’t he a little..)

I feel the need to explain my perspective before I discuss my thoughts on this practice. I was raised by a single mother. She taught me that my body parts were MINE. She also taught me to wait until marriage. So I get that. I promise I do, I believe it’s the best practice. Sex is an exchange of spiritual energy that you should not exchange with everybody. We use it like a sport. I think that’s disgusting. The bible teaches us about how to treat our bodies. They are temples, don’t let errbody in chile. 1 Corinthians 6:20

[[#BibleStudy is short this blog because I have another one on deck as well. IDK who told yall to request 2 in a week. ]]

Let me first say hats off to Tim and Brelyn Bowman for staying virgins until they wed. (Tim did announce on Good Morning America that he too remained a virgin.. they also said they wasn’t virgins no mo.. yaassssss) I hope that many other young people look at them and decide to click clank. They are a beautiful couple too. She’ll be pregnant in 3 months tops yall.brebowman2

Here’s where I find the practice problematic.

First Problem

Brelyn’s hymen at no point is her own. She gave it to her daddy at 13. Then a man had to check and make sure it was still in tact, and then she gave it to her husband when she got married. As somebody with a vagina who suffers Eve’s painful consequences every 28 days, I’ll be DAMN if I’ll be gathering Carfax on my hymen to ANYBODY.

We as black people and Christians put all these boarders on women and their sexuality. What goes on in a teenage girls mind when she’s told that what’s between her own legs doesn’t belong to her?

AND AND AND

(I’m assuming) Tim didn’t make a covenant with his mother at 13 to keep his wee wee in his pants until he got married… and there is no test for a virgin penis is there? Tim’s penis has always been his own. Likewise I beliveBre’s vagina/hymen should always be her own.

Second Problem

As a result of some late ass cultural standards, Bre’s husband, Tim didn’t feel the need to present CarFax on his penis to his mother. Yall know I HATE that double standard. I wish we taught our young men to be as pure and chaste as we teach girls. Contrary to popular belief, the penis and the brain ARE connected and we sell our young men short by letting them think that it’s impossible for them to remain virgins, be pure and say ‘No’ to sex.

I could go soooo much deeper into the double standard but for the purpose of time/space and my laziness.

Third Problem

A hymen that’s in tact doth not a virgin make, necessarily. A number of things can break your hymen, a tampon, a bicycle, a pap smear. Also, a penis/intercourse may not necessarily break it. It IS pretty elastic, made out of the same thing a vagina is, so if a baby can come through it and not completely wreck shop, the hymen can take a beating as well.

Also, just because you have your hymen doesn’t mean you’ve treated your body as a temple. Anal sex and oral sex don’t do anything to a hymen. Plenty of yall got a hymen, but ya MOUF…

Fourth Problem

brebowman3The bible says ‘Present your bodies a living sacrifice unto God’ (Romans 12). It doesn’t say present your body… to your daddy..to your husband.. or to Instagram. I don’t know Brelyn from any young lady on the street and I could’ve been just fine with out knowing that her hymen hasn’t been broken. God knows all and sees all. That certificate was not for God. That was for Brelyn and her Daddy. What’s God gonna do with a certificate? God isn’t impressed by that. If you’re living a life that’s pleasing unto God, you don’t have to put it on Instagram. Brelyn should’ve just put that picture up and simply said ‘dancing with my daddy at my wedding. Praise the Lordt.’

Fifth Problem

That was none of our business. We live in a culture of over-sharing. Yall invite people into your bedrooms and draws and then got the nerve to tell people get out your business.. Girl, you invited me in! I’m going to have commentary 97% of the time. If you don’t want me to talk about it, don’t put it on the world wide internets.

Same goes for Terry Crews and his wife. I just didn’t want to know they went on a sex fast. When I get married, the only sex fast I’m going on is to get Gatorade, chile.

Thus are my thoughts on the vagina carfax.

“Don’t be offended this is all my opinion ain’tnothing that I’m saying law…”

*Strums Geetar*

Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and share. Be respectful.

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Kim ain’t Shadrach, Meshach OR Abednego

Now, yall know my blog has a strict white woman policy and I had to skip Rachel Dolezal and Caitlyn Jenner but I’m going to have to talk about Kim Davis because among other reasons she’s from my state. Between Catfish, UK Fans and Kim – Kentucky looks BAD, chile. I offer my perspective on this situation to show that we ain’t ALL bad in Kentucky and the commonwealth isn’t completely Godforsaken.

Kim Davis is the elected clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky. Rowan County is northeastern Kentucky close to the Appalachian Mountains. The county’s seat is Morehead. Whenever I have visited, I’ve made sure my black ass was back in the city by sunset, feel me? It’s 96% white (literally ONE black family lives there) and one-fourth of the citizens live in poverty.

Following the historic Supreme Court decision in June, she has refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex (and later heterosexual) couples on the grounds of religion. The District Court and the Court of Appeals ruled that she must issue the licenses, and the Supreme Court declined to hear the matter ‘cause they already made the decision on the issue and they are all 100 so they probably can’t hear anyway.  So the judge put her in jail on contempt of court until she either does her damn jobissues marriage licenses, resigns or is impeached. Five of her six deputy clerks began issuing marriage licenses to everybody the next day. The sixth clerk is Kim’s son Nathan.

She was released because the Judge was ‘satisfied that the office is issuing marriage licenses’ and told Kim not to interfere.

At first I casually paid attention to the case. Here’s when I got mad… (Reason 1 of 3)

I read a tweet that suggested that Kim has been married 4 times. I said ‘now yall lying on Kim’.  So I researched and she has in fact been divorced 3 times.

She divorced husband #1 in 1994, had 2 kids out of wedlock, married Joe in 1996, divorced him in 2006, married #3 in 2007, divorced him the same year and then married Joe again in 2009. Meanwhile, we don’t know who fathered her children.

“It’s a Heaven or Hell” decision Davis said in a statement. If marriage had the power to put us in Heaven or Hell, Kim would surely be on her way to hades on a scholarship. No? My stance is if you’re going to boldly stand up against sin your personal life need not be raggedy.

Kim did not have all these standards for marriage until AFTER she was bussin it wide open for every man in Rowan County so what right does she have to deny a marriage license to 2 women or 2 men who are in a monogamous relationship? David Ermold and David Moore a couple that was denied a marriage license have been together for 17 years.  I think if you stay with somebody that long, you deserve some tax breaks, chile.

“Render unto Cesar the things  that are Ceasar’s and unto God the things that are God’s”

I’ve noticed Christian rhetoric is very centered on forgiveness and grace. Believe me I’m THANKFUL for God’s DAILY forgiveness but I do think that we use that as an excuse not to hold ourselves and each other to a standard in our conduct.

The same Holy Ghost that makes us run, shout, foam at the mouth, speak in tongues and interrupt service when I’m ready to go is the SAME Holy Ghost that daily calls us away from sin.

When I expressed this sentiment on Facebook the other day a friend commented “So you have to be perfect to stand up for Christ… oh ok… didn’t know that” and I hadn’t used the word perfect. I used the word raggedy. LOL.You don’t have to be perfect to stand up for Christ, in fact you have to boast in your imperfection.

In my opinion, Kim Davis denying marriage licenses is in no way pointing people to Christ or showing the love of Christ. All she had to do was resign. If your job interferes with your faith, you may have to step out on that faith, quit your job and trust God to provide for you. Andrew and Peter quit their jobs as fishermen to follow Jesus.

kim davisQuiet as kept, Kim ain’t giving up that $80,000 salary, honey. She don’t love Jesus that much.

Ok here’s the next reason I got mad. (Reason 2 of 3)

After Kim got thrown in the fiery furnace held in contempt of court and put in jail, all these people started screaming persecution and comparing her to biblical heroes like Daniel, Paul and “Rad, Shack and Benny” (word to veggie tales)

Mike Huckabee presidential candidate sensed his inevitable irrelevance found a way to make himself visible in the presidential race again. He visited Kim in the Lion’s Den her jail cell and planned to stage a “Liberty Rally” (whatever the HELL that is) out side of the Carter County detention center where she was in custody. Huckabee’s monkey ass appeared on Fox News and cried that this case is “further proof that Christianity has been criminalized in America”not only that…he penned an op-edfor Fox as well. mike-huckabee

“Kim’s stand for religious liberty is a pivotal moment in our nation’s history. Will we continue to pretend as though the Supreme Court is the ‘Supreme Branch’ with the authority and ability to make laws? It most certainly is not…It is no more the ‘Supreme Branch’ than it is the ‘Supreme Being’ with the authority to redefine the laws of nature or of nature’s God.”

 

Mike… Sis…

 

Davis’ attorney said “Today, for the first time in history an American citizen has been incarcerated for having the belief..blahblahblah.. and she’s been ordered to stay there until she’s willing to change her conscience about what her belief is”

Roger..sis…

Kim was not arrested because she’s a Christian. She was held in contempt of court for violating a court order. You are put in jail for your crime, not your motive. There’s nothing pivotal about it. Charles Manson killed people because he thought he was Jesus (or something). He was not put in jail about his beliefs. He was put in jail because he killed people.

Kim is an elected official in a public office. She refused to carry out the duties that the office requires and suffered the consequences. Five days in jail for breaking the law is not religious persecution. Kim Davis can still worship at her church, and minister to the ladies in the Rowan County jail. She can still wear the clothes that line up with her religious beliefs. As Christians in America we may FEEL persecuted because of the crazy secular world but I promise we are not actually persecuted.

Go to Iraq and Syria and try to be a Christian.. THOSE are the Christians being executed and we as Christians that aren’t should probably turn our attention to how to help these brothers and sisters rather than Kim Davis.

THOSE Christians are more comparable to the biblical heroes. But  Bible Study is on Wednesdays. You can read Daniel 3 to learn about Rack, Shack and Benny and Daniel 6 to read about Daniel chillin’ with the lions in the den.

veggietales

Ok. Short bible study. God didn’t rescue Daniel FROM the lions den or the Hebrew boys from the Furnace, he protected them THROUGH danger. Had the people not seen Daniel come thru the Den safely or the Hebrew Boys come out of the furnace, some people may not have come to a belief in God, He may be using you to draw others to Christ. Doors of the church are open.

Reason Number 3

Coming soon..

Thanks for reading, yall!

 

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My response to “Homosexual Delivered at COGIC 105th Convocation Video: “Delivert!!”

On Monday, a video entilted “Homosexual Delivered at COGIC 107th Holy Convocation” surfaced. I reposted the video without even watching it because the title was enough for me to look over my glasses. I didn’t have to push play to see that the young man was still gay when he left the Convocation.

I wasn’t going to dedicate a blog to this but I have too many thoughts and have had too many conversations not to. Plus, the Lord blessed me with a gigantic intellect and wonderful insight and frankly, the world benefits from my opinion 🙂

The delivered homosexual in question is 21 year old Andrew Caldwell (not to be confused with the songwriter). He says he has published 14 books and is going to school to become a doctor. He’s lying. I’d tell you why I know he’s lying but that’s not why I’m here.

bishop blakeLets get some things clear first because some of the lingo may be unfamiliar. COGIC stands for Church of God in Christ. It is a Pentecostal Christian Denomination that’s predominantly African American founded in the 1890’s (cause they kicked them outta the Baptist church when they suggested being baptized in the Holy Spirit was necessary for salvation). It’s the largest Pentecostal denomination and can be found in over 60 countries.  Charles E. Blake is the current presiding Bishop.

The COGIC holds an annual Convocation that is a meeting of all the COGIC memebers of churches world wide. The 105th one was this past week where a young man was ‘delivered’ from homosexuality. A video scurried across my facebook timeline Monday morning and my chest immediately got tight. Monday morning is trouble enough, between Myles Munroe and Andrew, I wasn’t prepared.

official uniform schedule

 

Here’s the video. Fast forward to around 2 minutes in. This isn’t the original version. It was taken down.

My initial thoughts

This is why church nxggas can’t have nice things! 

I don’t know why yall keep passing everybody the mic. 

The nxgga was gay when he put that paisley blazer and yellow bowtie on! 

How he gonna celebrate deliverance from homosexuality by dancing with 20 other men?! That’s counterproductive. He’s freshly heterosexual. Preacherman should’ve called some nice looking women down to dance with him. I bet he would’ve passed out. 

I wonder if I go tell the Pastor I’m not gay no more will he give me a hundred dollars?

Initially, I found this video HILARIOUS.

But then I got to thinking and I realized that what was happening was a tragedy.

The first tragedy is that this video suggests that you can be ‘delivered’ by running to an altar and dancing for 20 minutes. It reduces a relationship with God to an emotional experience in Eflat. Kinda like having a one night stand verses a marriage. It also brings the definition of ‘delivered’ into question. Does this young man genuinely not have an attraction to men anymore? Is he now sexually aroused by women? Or is he just choosing not to sleep with men anymore?

God is not the author of confusion. (1Corinthians 14:33) and there’s ALOT of confusion as a result of this video.

I’ve danced, waved my hands, shouted in church and God wasn’t involved. I was following a cultural tradition. I started to study, I sat under a few good bible teachers and learned that alot of what we do is emotionalism and not worship. Worship is a lifestyle. You can’t speak in tongues, not speak to your fellow Christian in the same breath and say you ‘caught the Holy Ghost’. I’m not saying every emotional person in church is full of it. But ALOT of yall (us) are. If you aren’t studying your Word daily and actively cultivating a relationship with God, what are you shouting about?

But grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:18)

Andrew can scream into a microphone and dance all he wants to. The organist can play until his fingers turn red, the drum can beat the snare until it breaks, That doesn’t make him any less sexually attracted to men or attracted to women.

The second tragedy is that this showed how homophobic and confused about sex the (black) church is. Not only did he declare he won’t date men anymore. He also declared that he won’t wear makeup anymore or carry a purse. So not only is he going to date women, he’s also going to present himself in a more masculine way with his dress and mannerisms.  *rolls eyes*

We must understand that gender expression and sexuality aren’t the same thing. Some men are masculine, some men aren’t. Some women are feminine, some women aren’t and that’s ok. The idea that men have to be totally ‘butch’ and women have to be totally ‘femme’ is a social construct and frankly everybody doesn’t fit that mold. I know feminine men who are sexually attracted to women and I know butch women who are sexually attracted to men; most days I’m one of ’em. I remember feeling pressure to dress a certain way on Sunday morning and uncomfortable as a result because of the personal (unbiblical) preference of my pastor at the time.  Simplifying sexuality the way the church has for years alienates some wonderful people. It has alienated me. But I’m not afraid to tell church negros to go to hell.

Pause.

Negros with a 45 year old building fund shouldn’t alienate anybody. 

Play.

I see it alienating people like me and it’s a tragedy. I’m sure I can attribute some of my depression and anxiety disorder to the church. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough. I heard the scripture I’m fearfully and wonderfully made but in the same breath made to feel like an outsider if I didn’t want to put a skirt on. I know what that’s like. I’m afraid for young (and old) people like me. I don’t want people to leave the church. I want people to flock to the church. Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to share that with everybody. I feel like i’m fulfilling my purpose when I’m inviting people to church, when I’m giving my testimony…

I’m a ‘whosoever believer.’ John 3:16. God CAN deliver you. God WILL deliver you. He loved you enough to send His only son to die for you. The creator of the Universe wants a relationship with you. The church is His bride and He’s coming back for it. Please don’t judge Christ by Christians. We’re a poor representation of Him. We film things  in poor taste and put them on YouTube. We argue on Facebook about our man made denominations. We are not always Christlike.

Whew, I’m glad I got that out.

As always, thanks for reading. Your comments are always welcome.

-CW

 

 

 

 

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