I’m not getting a job so stop asking.
Ever since my mental health situation that caused me to leave my job (see #CarriesLifeMatters if you’re new), a relative keeps asking me (and my mother) if I’ve found a job yet… not about my mental health.. but if I’ve found a job. They are my elder so I cannot say “No nigga and I’m not looking for one.”
I did the right thing. I went to college and got a good job. It did not work. Sitting in a cubicle for 3 years was soul snatching. I’m not made to be an employee. I am a boss.
Corporate America meant constantly shrinking. Do you know how hard it is for a young black kid with locs to have to figure out how not to seem scary to white women from Kentucky? The shit’s impossible.
I had 2 corporate America jobs.
At the first job my boss (a black woman) called me into her cubicle and said, “I need you to not be the angry black woman.”
See, I had suggested to the group of white women that perhaps they’d get more work done if they’d quit watching and snitching on my team.
“What you said offended soandso…”
“I don’t care if they were offended.” I replied
“I don’t care. My paycheck comes just the same.”
What is so funny is that I was a temp employee making BARELY minimum wage and they were salaried state employees and (at least) twice my age. Why you intimidated by me?!
At the next job, my boss (also a
nigga black woman) told me that the way I sat in meetings was intimidating. I’m sitting, staring at a screen and taking notes. Intimidating. HOW SWAY?
I told her that if she was intimidated that perhaps it was her problem and not mine. NOT TO MENTION. She was a preacher that dressed like a sanctified street-walker. A size 24 not twenty four. TWENTY FO in a skin tight, thigh length red dress and 6 inch heels. Btch, I’m intimidated, hell.
She was so intimidated, she fired me and I pushed back and she had to hire me back because HR couldn’t even justify the reason. I shouldn’t have gone back but my petty ass wanted to walk back in there after that intimidated ho tried it.
So No. I’m not looking for a job nor do I plan to.
Those 3 or 4 years in corporate America were damaging. Being nuts genetically on top of being told you’re making people feel uncomfortable for simply existing
while you just trying to make some weed money nearly killed me.
Getting too sick to work was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Furthermore, my friends and peers have started to leave their jobs as well. It feels like a community of awakening. I have friends that are full time poets. My classmate from undergrad just opened up her own salon, another homegirl is currently on tour singing with Ledisi, my friends are boutique owners, musicians, graphic designers, promoters, fashion designers, make-up artists, massage therapists, personal trainers, dancers and doing it on their own terms.
People always ask me “so.. what do you do?”
My mother and I are starting our T-Shirt company and YouTube Channel.
I’m about to record my spoken word albums.
I’m a part of an up and coming record label. I’m developing rappers that are actually talking about something. We’re going on tour. We also sponsor a night of Non-Violence in our very violent city.
I work with my city’s chapter of #BlackLivesMatter
I’m teaching vocal instruction at a Girls Music Camp.
I’m raising money for a non-profit that has a vocational-entreprenuer school. (We don’t teach people how to work. We teach them to have careers.)
What do I do? My days off are Monday and Tuesday. I do yoga. I party on Wednesday night with my ratchet friends like its our birthday (they got $2 wells yall). I stay up until 2am writing music/poetry. I do whatever the hell I want to do. I’m broke
nigga! and I moved back in with my mom but I’m happier than I was with a $34,000/year job. AND I will be back out of my momma house in my own bachelorette pad by the end of the year. Mark my words. You’ve got to speak those things… *BAPTIST FIT*
If you are not made to go to college or work in an office then don’t. If you ARE made to go to college and work in an office, then DO! I wasted time doing what I thought I was supposed to do. The women that influence me the most, my mom, my aunts a couple of my cousins ARE made to work in an office and/or be in academia. My aunt went to college and didn’t leave LOL. She got her phD and became a professor it was what she was made to do. I am not them. I never have to see another office or classroom.
I wasn’t doing what I was made to do. As a result I used food, alcohol and weed as crutches when I needed mental healthcare and am paying for it. I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure was 124/180 and my pulse was 124. They did an EKG on me. The doctors and nurses took my BP and pulse multiple times because of how high it was. I had to get blood work done. (If you know me, you know how I feel about getting blood drawn). Mentally/Emotionally I am better. Physically I have a long way to go.
I’m not going to quit smoking weed doe. Idc. Idc. Idc.
Do what you want to do. Life is too short. Don’t be afraid to be broke for awhile to have unlimited streams of income in the future. You have to sacrifice. You have to miss events, I had to stop getting pedicures and my eyebrows done (and I’m vain). I had to miss reggae fest. I haven’t bought clothes or shoes this year. I moved back in with my saved ass momma. But I am happy!
What are you made to do?
What is your calling?
What is your gift?
Go do it.
Lent Week 2! What have a learnt? “There’s no future in your frontin.”
Frontin: Urban slang. To put up a facade or make appearances to maintain an inaccurate image of oneself “I know that I’m carrying on, nevermind if I’m showing off, I was just frontin'” – Pharelle
I feel like I should put a disclaimer on this. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop looking at the screen thinking “How I’mma start THIS out?”
I love and appreciate the church I grew up in. That being said i am about to be very honest about some of my experiences. I love the church and everybody (well most of yall) just the same. I know plenty of people reading are or have been members of this church. Church is a family and there are some cousins and uncles we can’t stand. Hell, i don’t too much like my daddy myself.
If you’re offended by this post, as a member of this church or any, pray about how you can make church easier on people.. and don’t come for my church or pastor. I’ll fight you. Well, probably not. I’m too pretty to fight. I will talk about ya momma though. I digress.
Bailey (my Volkswagen Beetle) is in the shop so mom and I have been sharing Condoleezza (the other beetle). I haven’t been going to church with her, the church in which I grew up. (We live in different cities) I chalked it up to social anxiety but I realized it was something else as well. I decided to go last Sunday (2 Sundays ago by the time you’re reading) and immediately realized why I hadn’t been going. I got so many… looks.
The church I grew up in is very conservative. Women only in skirts conservative, no sleeveless shirts conservative. People wait for us to come out of church to see what we got on. Yall know how we dress for the Derby? That’s weekly.
I DID wear skirts and dresses for years but after ‘while it got uncomfortable. I just didn’t feel like me. I didn’t like the attention I got in a skirt (#thick) and who in hell wants to wear pantyhose EVER?! I used to take them off in the parking lot after service during the summer.
Also, I’ve since joined a church that was less conservative (with teaching/preaching just as sound.. that’s important). I figured out I could go to church AND be me. I never thought that was possible.
I stayed home from church this past Sunday because I don’t want people to look at me funny for wearing pants.
It is so ignant its funny. No, literally I laughed after I typed that sentence.
Everybody wants to be accepted. It took a lot of rejection for me to realize this. (Well, not a LOT of rejection, look at me – sheeeeeeeeIT) I developed a strong exterior but rejection hurts just the same. I ain’t gon front, rejection hurts bad.
The two rejections that hurt the most are from my father and from the church.
These rejections have happened over and over through out my life. But you know what I realized after years of frontin? I’m just fine without them. By the grace of God, I am just fine.
I have decided that I’m done trying to be accepted by anybody but especially by church
niggas folk and my pop. To hell with them, frankly. I prayed that I’d change, that God would change me to make me more acceptable so i could be more comfortable and Her only response was “I love you.”
My goal should not be to be accepted by people that are sinners like me. I only need acceptance from One and he sent Jesus. –Quickens–
After I understood what God did for my sin and what he continues to do in spite of my sin it was a teench harder to judge anybody especially for what the clothes they had on. I wholeheartedly understand why people don’t come to church. I just can’t let people keep me from Jesus. I ain’t going to stop going to church. Also, God doesn’t want you or I to be comfortable. But that’s a different subject for a different day.
It is difficult coming to the realization that the church you grew up in is not the church you are going to stay in. I thought I was going to get married and raise my kids there. I ain’t. Y’all know black people stay in church for dozens of generations in the same damn seat for a hundred years. I had to change churches in order to grow in my walk with Jesus. I had to change churches to be able to go every Sunday.
The lesson I’ve learned is that in order to heal you gave to deal. (Ooohh trademark that… sounded like Johnny Cochran.) You will not be able to move on or heal if you fronting about your hurt. You ain’t that tough. Trust me. I’m a professional fronter and I am nuts on paper. I was fronting about being hurt and why i was hurt. Yall know how much sleep I lost? I was up at 3am bothered and didn’t know why.
Be honest with yourself. Keep it 100. It will help your skin. Look at KellyAnne Conway. She lies for a living and looks hung up to dry. Lying on top of the way some white women age? I digress.
Some things only come by fasting and prayer (Matthew 17:21). Lent has been a blessing. High-5 your neighbor and tell em “There’s no future in your fronting.”
Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I never think people I know are reading until they let me know. So leave me a comment or message, dag!
This week in whiteness Cosmopolitan tried it. The devil always tries to bother me before my Sunday nap. I was on Twitter and this article popped up. “10 Most Beautiful Women According to Science” the article was originally posted by Women’s Day in July and Cosmo in August so I’m not sure why it came across my timeline in March but like I said the devil is busy.
I smelled bull before I clicked through because of course beauty is an opinion so ain’t no science behind that. Turns out the 10 most beautiful women are white or in close proximity and can’t none of em use my comb. Surprise Surprise.
Cosmo, imma let you finish but…
Lets talk about the history of pseudoscience to justify white supremacy.
I know yall like “but Carrie, it ain’t that deep”. It actually IS that deep and take your simple ass on somewhere if you want to be blissfully ignant.
I’ve always wondered how people that called themselves Christian owned people. Science. The proper term is Scientific Racism. If you think a certain group of people are inferior to you, to the point you dont even see them as people, I imagine its pretty easy to have slaves and call yourself Christian.
(Sidenote: I don’t understand how you think people are inferior but you go steal them to build your country.)
Scientific Racism is the argument that some races are more superior than others according to genetics or phrenology. This is baby back bull because race is a social construct and white comes from black, not the other way around. Black people were on earth thousands of years BEFORE white people. So white can’t be superior because white people came from black people feel me? Only black women have the Eve gene, yall (use your Googles, this ain’t Wiki.).
A specific example is physician Samuel Cartwright. His pamphlet that argued the inferiority of Africans was very popular among slave owners. He attributed the enslaved people’s desire to escape to mental illness (“Drapetomania”) and believed that Africans were mentally unfit for self determination. This fool thought people who didn’t want to be slaves were crazy.
It is important to look at this history because whiteness is STILL using pseudoscience to justify white people as superior. White women in Cosmo’s case. Our experience compared to our ancestors’ is nothing but the foundation of all the fcksht is white supremacy.
White people are superior in nothing but racism and the ability to sun burn. Hear me? White people are not smarter, more athletic, more talented, attractive or better in ANYWAY than ANYBODY. Fight. Me.
As a little girl, I remember going to the magazine aisle at Walgreens. Probably because it was next to the candy aisle, honestly, truly. Among hundreds of magazines seeing a sea of blonde, slim white women. I sought out Essence, Ebony and Jet Magazines for women that looked like me and the women who were raising me.
My chocolate chunky nappy headed ass learned that I live in a white world quick. The black women in my life worked very hard to make sure I knew I was smart and pretty. I used to wonder why they’d say it so much but I understand why now. I was growing up in world where beauty and brains was the opposite of me.
One of the first times I saw myself on TV was when Viola Davis took her wig and make up off on HTGAWM and I was an entire adult. Representation matters. I didn’t know until I was represented. Brandy as Cinderella and Princess Tiana also have a special place in my heart.
As a black woman it is my responsibility to make sure little chocolate girls don’t believe the hype. So I came up with a list: For Chocolate Girls When Cosmopolitan Ain’t Enough. This is a list of influential, successful, beautiful black women. It is for black girls/women by a black girl/woman.
What about other women, Carrie? What about boys/men? Not my responsibility. I cant do everyhing, damn. Make your own list.
Lets get into it. Share and please add your favorite black women as well.
1. Gabourey Sidibe, actress
2. Nina Simone, singer/activist
3. Tracy Clayton, writer. (Hometown in the house!)
4. Viola Davis, actress
5. Ursula Burns, the first black woman to head a Fortune 500 company
6. Jazmine Sullivan, my favorite singer EVER
7. Leslie Jones, actress/comedian
8. Maxine Waters, congresswoman our political auntie
9. Joy Reid, journalist/political commentator
10. Shelia Jackson-Lee, US Representative
Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen the movie, this has spoilers so come back after you go see it.
When I was too damn young I saw Chucky and didn’t do horror movies for awhile. I discovered my love for horror in my late teens. I still don’t do Chucky or any type of dolls or puppets but I enjoy a good slasher film or an exorcism film, I believe in them spirits honey.
When I saw the previews for Get Out and saw that Jordan Peele was the director, I was confused. I’m a big fan of Key and Peele and I was like is this gonna be a comedy? Like a Scary Movie type film? I underestimated Jordan. Just ’cause you a comedian don’t mean you can’t do horror evidently. Don’t let ’em put you in a box. Message!
I have long had a desire for a black horror movie. I knew neither Spike or Tyler would be able and I knew that one by a white director would be a swing and a miss. Get Out was a breath of fresh air.
Can I be honest? Seeing a black man brutally kill a bunch of white people on a big screen was GREAT. It was even greater when I got in the lobby and saw the expressions on the white people’s faces. The show I was in was probably half black and half white. We APPLAUDED with every family member he killed. I mean a round of applause, girl. I ain’t cheered that hard since the 2013 March Madness. UofL Basketball, men AND women. OOOOHHHHHHHH C-A-R-D-S!
I know that sounds horrible but after a life time of seeing black men killed in REAL life. A film such as this is refreshing.
I believe this film was so great because of Jordan’s perspective. As a biracial person (black dad, white mom) he probably knows both cultures well. I learned plenty of stuff about white people that I didn’t know.
One, the white girl went OFF on that police officer and he didn’t do nothing! I’ve talked to a police officer like that. I was put in handcuffs.
Two, white people still got ‘help’ in 2017. I didn’t know people still had a black woman pouring them tea on Saturday afternoon. When get my money right, my staff is going to be all white… nice whites like the ones at Chick Fila. My way to balance the universe.
Three, white parents let spouses sleep in the bed. I had a whole conversation about this on Facebook. It’s not going down in Lisa’s house. You can’t spend the night much less in my bed. You can probably get the couch or air mattress. I haven’t brought anybody home to Lisa yet. But my brother has a whole baby and him and his woman don’t leave the living room or kitchen. My white friends on Facebook was like ‘yea, i slept in bed with my boyfriend after high school.’ I am still appalled.
Let’s talk about homeboy! Rod played by LilRel Howery played Chris’ homeboy. We all need a friend that will investigate and add some shit up. He TOLD Chris not to go to that white woman’s house and then Chris ass didn’t answer the phone for a few days. He went to the cops (one played by Erika Alexander, Maxine Shaw who hasn’t aged at all) and they laughed. Rod had the courage to get in his TSA vehicle and do some investigation. Would I have driven into white people woods for my friend? Not unarmed… I wouldn’t have.
I appreciate the film so much because it was honest. White people crazy. My homegirl asked if I knew the girlfriend was in on it. I said “of course, every white person is in on it.”
Furthermore, the film allowed a black man to be scared and not scary. Chris’ character had some stuff to deal with from his child hood and black characters, (especially male) don’t always get that humanity extended to them. We get to see Viola Davis ass cry and snot every film. When’s the last time you saw a 20 something black man cry on a movie?
Finally what I most appreciate about this film is that the racism wasn’t overt (well, at first) these were regular, nice liberal white people who voted for Obama and would again. White people like that can distance themselves from the KKK and Nazis therefore distancing themselves from racism or the moral responsibility to fight it. Chris was JUST AS uncomfortable around these nice white people and I’d argue those nice white people needed a reality check. Obama and Hill or not, yall still can make us hella uncomfortable.
So Get Out gets two thumbs up from me. I will never watch Birth of a Nation again but I plan on having Get Out and Moonlight in heavy rotation for movie nights. Who comin’ over for Black Films and Chill?
Let me preface this by saying that the following reflections are mine and mine only. They don’t reflect the thoughts, feelngs or values of any organization. Don’t hold my ratchet mouth against anybody but me (but know idgaf).
This flyer (left) appeared on my Facebook newsfeed last week. I reposted with the caption #Nope. I then shared it in a certain group and on my Timeline with the question “Why do we (local BLM activists, millennials and regular ass people) keep getting left out of these conversations?”
A few people had the “kumbyah we all need to unify” rhetoric. I ain’t with it. I’m a proud member of the #CallOut Ministry. The old heads keep having forums and panels with the #BlackLivesMatter tag AND keep not inviting the activists or anyone under 137 years old. There is an official BLM chapter in Louisville. If BLM is not invited, don’t put #BlackLivesMatter on your flyer. RESPECK THE NAME. Is we finished or is we done? I’ve had to voice this to two events. In the words of Snoop Dogg “Do I look like the type of nigga that likes repeating himself?”
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with beef and arguing. Especially if we have the same goal ultimately. Should we do it publicly? Absolutely not. But we should do it. (
I’m sure Dr. King and them argued. I’m sure somebody was like Dr. King can you quit fucking everybody?)
Nevertheless, we had a good conversation and somehow I got bamboozled into attending. I’m still not sure how it happened but here I am on Saturday at 9am at this
9am on Saturday was the first mistake. People my age and younger are not going to be anywhere at 9am on Saturday given a choice (I don’t even go to work until 10 at the earliest). People my age and younger are also the ones that are victims of police brutality. You cannot have a conversation ABOUT people that you won’t have a conversation WITH (Darrell Scott and Omarosa don’t count, Donald Trump).
2nd mistake. There was no repast. Jesus preached, and then everybody got fish sandwiches. Any time I’m a guest at somebody’s church I expect to sample the punch of the shadiest church motha. WWJD?
For this reason (in my opinion) there were only about 30 people tops. Which looks like 5 when in a sanctuary.
The forum was held at Spirit Filled Ministries (Louisville, KY). I THINK Bishop Kelsey (a retired police officer) is the pastor. That’s another mistake. Having a forum in the sanctuary. The sanctuary of a black church is (typically) NOT a space that young people or women can be comfortable speaking out. I also am not going to cuss in the sanctuary and I need to be able to cuss at a forum called Black and Blue Lives Matter.. ’cause yall out your rabbit ass mind for that title.
The first speaker was attorney (Tibbs) that gave us this handout. (below) I’ll try to provide a better pic tomorrow. Yall gon deal for the time being.
His main point was to know our rights, not argue with a police officer but instead take up our issue with the police officer in court. So I asked “what if the police officer kills me first?”. Tibbs and Kelsey responded by telling me to get involved in local politics. Bishop Kelsey also kept calling me ‘baby’ and cut me off. I passed the mic and knew I wasn’t going to take it anymore.
How in the entire hell can I get involved in politics if I’M DEAD MY NIGGA? Somebody told Philando Castile to be respectful to the police. He was and he was still killed. When are we going to address police officers behavior and not victims?!?!?!?!!? Whew. Let me calm down.
I AM involved in local politics. I’ve worked on (winning *flips hair*) campaigns for judges, council members and state reps. That doesn’t make a bit of difference if a police officer with bad aim and bad judgement pulls me over.
“But officer, I work in local politics!”
“Oh you do?” *Puts gun up*
The next speaker was DeVone Holt. He could only stay for so long because he had to get to the studio for his radio show. He finessed that appearance so he could talk and not have to answer questions. He talked about how he’s not going to vote for Trump or Hill and how Black America hates him for it. As a member of Black America, I don’t give a damn what DeVone does much less who he votes for. Hell, I #barely know who he is. Negros are soooooo important. *Rolls eyes* I don’t know what any of what he said had to do with the forum.
The speaker after that was Ray “Sir Friendly C” Barker. He got up and talked about… himself. He discussed the thousands (i promise he said thousands) of children he mentored and his experiences as a cop.
He was reminiscing about the good ole days and trying to defend shooting somebody. He said that cops are trained to shoot twice in the chest (not the leg or arm) and damn near had an orgasm talking about it. He also talked about how he didn’t agree with some of the ‘antics’ of the BLM movement. I think this was the point I wanted to lay in the pew and scream at the top of my lungs. But God. I. got. your. antics, old man.
My fellow activist friend and Sir Friendly got into a heated discussion and a few of the men of the church including Bishop Kelsey surrounded him. My friend was speaking passionately and using his hands, but he wasn’t a threat. Back up off the homie.
I got up and used my womanly charm to defuse the situation. These soft hands, tiddies and eye lashes serve many purposes, one is to manipulate men.
Bishop Kelsey and I ended up exchanging numbers and he’s gonna invite me to some talk he’s having with somebody next week. Negros aren’t getting another Saturday morning out of me for a few months so it better be on a weekday evening and HAVE REPAST.
After that Judge Denise Brown got the mic and stanched edges. She said not voting is the ‘dumbest argument’ she’s ever heard. I again resisted the urge to lay in the pew.
I then got up and observed conversations in the lobby. This lady, wife of a police officer asked me and my fellow activist friend if we wanted to be police officers. #Nah, Lady. I’m tired of people telling us (young black people) to become police officers whenever we have criticism for the police. I criticize my doctor. I’m not going to medical school. I criticize my mechanic. I’m not going to mechanic school. I don’t want to be a police officer. I shouldn’t have to be one to ensure my people aren’t getting killed.
I told her we could set up some programs in predominately black high schools that puts kids on a track to become a police officer like ROTC but I certainly won’t be becoming a popo.
I can’t pass the drug test.
This concludes my reflections on The
fuckshit Black and Blue Lives Matter Forum. I’m not going to anymore forums/panels/discussions/pow wows/hotep meetings. I AM going to invest my efforts in programs and organizations that are worthwhile though. Stay tuned.
It’s 2am and I got *sings* church in the morning.
This article was inspired by Very Smart Brotha’s “10 Randomly Specific Things to Blackness that Always tickle the Hell out of me” shoutouts to Damon Young and all the brothas at VSB.
I’m told that I first went to church when I was 8 days old. I was born on a Saturday, Lisa (aka momma) rested the next day, but when Sunday came back around her super saved self was in church with a big ass newborn. I have always been chunky and I have always been in church. Since my granddaddy was the ‘passa’ I was probably in church more than the average church goer. The black church was all I knew until my white home girl from middle school had her confirmation and invited me down to the white Catholic Church. I was amazed and confused. (I need a white contributor to the blog, affirmative action)
I have “backslid” to one service per Sunday and since Empire comes on Wednesday, I usually miss bible study. I’m gon watch via streaming faith this afternoon though. Here are 10 things that tickle me about the black church experience.
The ushers are the church’s bouncers and you want to be friends with them. For some reason, their right, (left?) hand is stuck to their back. If church is full when you show up, they will tell somebody to scoot down while looking over their glasses and show you your seat.
No, you can’t sit with your friends/family. You’ll sit where
the hell she/he told you to. Sit on your coat/jacket or put it on the floor. You can’t save seats, and put the lap scarf on she/he gave you even if your dress is down to your ankles. Don’t argue.
Get a fan or envelope when they come down the aisle. Cause if they have to come back you will get a side eye.But they will take care of you, I was distraught at my grandaddy’s funeral and the usher wiped my eyes for me WHILE fanning me. They the real MVPs.
Believe it or not, I was an usher back in my day. I quickly realized that I was not humble enough to serve in this capacity and put my white gloves up. I haven’t picked ‘em up since… ain’t going to.
My daddy and brother are musicians so I got to deal with musician foolery 7 days a week. They may have on a 3 piece suit. They may look like they are about to go hoop at the Y. They will not have the right colors on. They disappear like your baby’s daddy during the sermon (especially if your church has multiple services). They probably played down to the bar last night and will start a groove during offering and forget and slip some secular music in there.
The length of service
My church at home has combined men/women’s day (see the next one) and we were in church until 2pm that service; in large part because somebody let my mom and her sister (aka my auntie) on program. Make sure you bring a bag of grippos and your soda/juice of choice to service (there’s a store walking distance of every black church in America). You’re in it for the long haul. 10 songs, 2 scriptures, memorials, offering, prayer, 10 more songs, shouting and THEN the sermon, altar call, remarks, and benediction. I usually get a headache mid sermon.
Children’s Day, Youth Day, Young Adult Day, Men’s Day, Women’s Day, Senior Adults Day is what I grew up with. We called it “Loyalty Month” not sure why. Loyalty month is the only time we saw most of the participants. These hoes ain’t loyal.
Women’s day is coming up. The theme is “Get In Formation”. I’m probably gonna participate just out of curiosity of how we’re going to take Beyonce’s song and put Jesus on it.
The “Days” are a big production, complete with a theme, assessment ($$$) and what colors the ushers and choir are supposed to wear. There’s always one person that isn’t going to buy a new outfit and will either wear their black suit/white suit REGARDLESS of the colors (ask Lisa if she buying something. She ain’t)
Somebody’s baby is crying. EVERYBODY turns around to see who it is and why they ain’t took that baby to the nursery. As if there aren’t some grown folks that don’t want to throw a fit from sitting for 3 hours. Lots of churches have a separate service for children now. I’m pissed because I didn’t have a separate service to go to when I was a kid. I had to sit with my auntie (my mom was in the choir) and endure. Spoiled brats.
The teenagers do not want to be there and have no problem showing it.
I’m not sure the history of the mothers of the church. But a group of older women are the matriarchs of the congregation. They have their own row at my home church.
Give them the correct title, not “Sister soandso” or Mrs. “soandso” MUTHA soandso.
If your skirt is too short, a mutha will pull you to the side (maybe) and let you know. If you need a perm, a mutha will ask you when you’re getting one (even if you’ve had an afro for a year… happened to Lisa. I DARE you to ask her the story. She’ll go off) No matter how shady she is to you, you have to respond ‘yes ma’am’ and be respectful for no other reason than she’s 100 years old. I think it’s extra points in Heaven when you can stay respectful to Mutha Shadyboots. She always has her head covered in the sanctuary. Dressed impeccably, accept the shoes. She’s been on this world a few decades and is gonna put her sneakers to come to service.
The Deacon Board
I suppose this makes the Deacons the fathers of the church. They have been serving communion/Lord’s supper since the Emancipation Proclamation but still manage to argue and look confused when 1st Sunday comes around. The pastor/church’s body guards, a few of them are packing. They take the offering to God knows where and count it. Their wife is on the women’s usher board and also participates in serving the communion but knows what she’s doing.
The Kitchen Committee/Culinary Ministry
On special occasions, such as a ‘day’ or anniversary the church has a meal after service. The church pays for the meat. The members got to bring the side dishes. Everybody takes a to-go plate. The senior citizens eat first.
This is the best seasoned food you’ll ever taste. Ever. There are a dozen cakes/pies to choose from and the tea will put you in a diabetic coma. It’s made with the Holy Ghost and crack cocaine. Give yourself time to nap before evening service.
I think being mean is a requirement to work in the kitchen at church. I also had a short-lived stint in the kitchen. When I was a teenager, they had the youth help in the kitchen/dining room for some event and the saints were so IGNANT the youth refused to ever work in the kitchen again. I think that was the first boycott/protest I organized. They had 16-year-old Carrie ALL THE WAY FCKED UP. I hadn’t been saved that long.
No matter how much of an asshole you were, if you went to a black church, we’ll MAKE UP some fond memories of you to reflect on at the funeral. These services can also be very long (bring a snack). The ushers have backup in the funeral home staff. They have extra supplies (fans, peppermint, bottled water) and you AIN’T getting a program before the family comes in. If the family is large and takes up all the programs, you’re not getting a program. If the family is large and needs more seats, you may have to stand. Do what the usher says. Please. You can find one after service. Somebody left one in the pew.
You may go into a church with black people and a black pastor. There may be a picture/painting of white Jesus somewhere. There isn’t in either of the churches I go to. I’d have them take it down. White supremacy runs deep. If I talk about it any further I’ll start cussing.
Thus is my list of of 10 things that tickle me about the black church. Honorable Mention entries that I didn’t have energy to cover: The First Lady, The Church Secretary, Offering, Pastors/Church Anniversary, The politicians we see once every few years and Testimony Service.
Ok guys, I guess I’m going to be the one to address this. Black people, WE have got to stop being late everywhere and for everything.
I am not talking about one particular person, group, organization or event. If this sounds like you, your business or event, then do stuff on time, I guess. God bless your heart and all your parts. Don’t send me any messages please.
Furthermore, this is a WE/US discussion and not a “Y’all/Them” discussion. Timeliness is something I struggle with as well in my personal life and events. If you’ve ever been to one of my events and you’ve had to wait more than 30 minutes for the event to start, your next ticket is on me. I am sorry. We will do better. Thank you for the support. Send me an email for your coupon.
CPT or “CP time” refers to “Colored People’s Time”, an African-American expression that dates back to the early 20th century. It is the idea that black people are late for everything. Even those of us who don’t have a clock-challenge have trained ourselves to be late because we know our peers will be. It crosses generational lines. In the biography of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. the author notes that MLK and his staff regularly operated on CPT.
In 1972 Ronald Walcott said this about CPT in Black World in 1972:
“CP Time is actually an example of Black people’s effort to evade, frustrate and ridicule the value-reinforcing strictures of punctuality that so well serve this coldly impersonal technological society.”
I get that, and I agree. But the issue for me comes when my money is involved. If we are not going to succumb to the parameters of time, why are we still sticking to expensive ass tickets?
Dustin J. Seibert said it best when talking about
Rita Louise Watson Ms. Lauryn Hill. “If you’re getting a fat check to do a thing and you have thousands waiting on you to do that thing, you don’t get to decide when you want to get started to do that thing.”
If I told my supervisor (as Lauryn told her fans in Atlanta) “I don’t’ have an on/off switch. I am at my best when I am open, rested, sensitive and liberated to express myself as truthfully as possible.” When I show up to work at 11:47am instead of 9am like I’m supposed to, I wouldn’t have a job.
I am one of Lauryn Hill’s biggest fans. That being said, she is trifling. You got the nerve to be late for people that keep you in good standing with the IRS after not releasing a new album since the Great Depression? If my black ass waited until I was rested and liberated to do anything, I’d ALWAYS be at the house. Get your ass on stage L-Boogie. ON TIME.
Let me calm down.
My mother threw a birthday/tenure party for my aunt a few weeks ago. It started at 2pmEST. I showed up at (my mother’s house in Lexington) at 1:45 to help my mom with last minute party stuff. She had prepared games and wanted to wait for everybody to get there to play said games. We did not start games until around 4:30pm. I had somewhere to be in Louisville at 7:30pm. I left Lexington at 6:30pm.
My friend (who has been black longer than me and don’t play that late shxt) had invited me to the Louisville Orchestra’s final performance for the season that same night. It started at 8pm. I told her we could meet at 7:47pm. She said ‘girl, this ain’t a black event, that’s too late’. I was rushing to get to the event. I left Lexington too late fooling with my late ass family/friends.
My black ass showed up a little after 8 and had to walk across about 100 white people to get to my seat in the middle of the aisle. (If you’ve been in Whitney Hall you know what I’m talking about) It was 8:03. Thank GOD they were still making announcements and giving out Thank Yous. (It is BAD musical etiquette to be walking around while the orchestra is playing). The event started at 8, I got there RIGHT AT 8 and EVERYBODY had BEEN in their seat for a minute. My black ass was embarrassed.
“You should be honored by my lateness” – KanYe West
This is my mantra when anybody questions my timeliness. I’m grown and my stay at home game is strong. Be thankful I showed up at all. I had to stop and get rellos. But when we are late you know what we’re saying? We’re saying that you, your event, or whatever is not important enough for me to put forth the effort to be on time.
WE can be on time. It just takes effort. Are you late for work? for court? for the 9:05 showing of a movie? for free before midnight at the club? Right.
I was on time to my mom’s party because I love and respect my mom. I am on time to work (most days, help me Holy Ghost) because
I’m broke I like that direct deposit every other Friday.
As a young entrepreneur, the goal is to change the world and make a lil change. I want to be taken seriously and that is hard because of the two strikes against me (black, woman). I cannot afford to be sloppy when it comes to timeliness. I hate going to events (after I’ve bought a ticket) and waiting an hour or 3 for the show to start. I didn’t buy a ticket to watch you set up. On the flip side, people don’t support my events to sit around for an hour after the advertised show time waiting for the talent to show up. We’ve got to do better, yall.
I’m making a commitment to be on time both at my events and in my personal life. If you aren’t doing better, what are you doing?