Category Archives: Family

Lent Week Two: There’s No Future in Your Frontin’

Lent Week 2! What have a learnt? “There’s no future in your frontin.”

Frontin: Urban slang. To put up a facade or make appearances to maintain an inaccurate image of oneself “I know that I’m carrying on, nevermind if I’m showing off, I was just frontin'” – Pharelle

I feel like I should put a disclaimer on this. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop looking at the screen thinking “How I’mma start THIS out?”

I love and appreciate the church I grew up in. That being said i am about to be very honest about some of my experiences. I love the church and everybody (well most of yall) just the same.  I know plenty of people reading are or have been members of this church. Church is a family and there are some cousins and uncles we can’t stand. Hell, i don’t too much like my daddy myself.

If you’re offended by this post, as a member of this church or any, pray about how you can make church easier on people.. and don’t come for my church or pastor. I’ll fight you. Well, probably not. I’m too pretty to fight. I will talk about ya momma though. I digress.

Bailey (my Volkswagen BLookUpDown gifeetle) is in the shop so mom and I have been sharing Condoleezza  (the other beetle). I haven’t been going to church with her, the church in which I grew up. (We live in different cities) I chalked it up to social anxiety but I realized it was something else as well. I decided to go last Sunday (2 Sundays ago by the time you’re reading) and immediately realized why I hadn’t been going. I got so many… looks.

The church I grew up in is very conservative. Women only in skirts conservative, no sleeveless shirts conservative. People wait for us to come out of church to see what we got on. Yall know how we dress for the Derby? That’s weekly.

I DID wear skirts and dresses for years but after ‘while it got uncomfortable. I just didn’t feel like me. I didn’t like the attention I got in a skirt (#thick) and who in hell wants to wear pantyhose EVER?! I used to take them off in the parking lot after service during the summer.

Also, I’ve since joined a church that was  less conservative (with teaching/preaching just as sound.. that’s important). I figured out I could go to church AND be me. I never thought that was possible.

I stayed home from church this past Sunday because I don’t want people to look at me funny for wearing pants.

It is so ignant its funny. No, literally I laughed after I typed that sentence.

Everybody wants to be accepted. It took a lot of rejection for me to realize this. (Well, not a LOT of rejection, look at me – sheeeeeeeeIT) I developed a strong exterior but rejection hurts just the same. I ain’t gon front, rejection hurts bad. 

The two rejections that hurt the most are from my father and from the church.

These rejections have happened over and over through out my life.  But you know what I realized after years of frontin? I’m just fine without them. By the grace of God, I am just fine. 

I have decided that I’m done trying to be accepted by anybody but especially by church niggas  folk and my pop. To hell with them, frankly. I prayed that I’d change, that God would change me to make me more acceptable so i could be more comfortable and Her only response was “I love you.”

fanny2.gif*Baptist Fit*

My goal should not be to be accepted by people that are sinners like me. I only need acceptance from One and he sent Jesus. –Quickens

After I understood what God did for my sin and what he continues to do in spite of my sin it was a teench harder to judge anybody especially for what the clothes they had on. I wholeheartedly understand why people don’t come to church. I just can’t let people keep me from Jesus. I ain’t going to stop going to church. Also, God doesn’t want you or I to be comfortable. But that’s a different subject for a different day.

It is difficult coming to the realization that the church you grew up in is not the church you are going to stay in. I thought I was going to get married and raise my kids there. I ain’t. Y’all know black people stay in church for dozens of generations in the same damn seat for a hundred years. I had to change churches in order to grow in my walk with Jesus. I had to change churches to be able to go every Sunday.

The lesson I’ve learned is that in order to heal you gave to deal. (Ooohh trademark that… sounded like Johnny Cochran.) You will not be able to move on or heal if you fronting about your hurt. You ain’t that tough. Trust me. I’m a professional fronter and I am nuts on paper. I was fronting about being hurt and why i was hurt. Yall know how much sleep I lost? I was up at 3am bothered and didn’t know why.kellyanne

Be honest with yourself. Keep it 100. It will help your skin. Look at KellyAnne Conway. She lies for a living and looks hung up to dry. Lying on top of the way some white women age? I digress.

Some things only come by fasting and prayer (Matthew 17:21). Lent has been a blessing. High-5 your neighbor and tell em “There’s no future in your fronting.” 

Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I never think people I know are reading until they let me know. So leave me a comment or message, dag!

Sola Gratia

-Carrie

 

 

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Lent Commentary Week 1: Sitting like KellyAnne Conway

Peace, yall. Welcome new followers! Thank you for following! Follow me on twitter and snap at @andcarrieon7 and like my Facebook page CarrieAmanda.

During Lent I’ll post every Wednesday, lets get into it.

I won’t assume everybody knows what Lent is so here’s a brief description. Lent is the 40 days before Easter. It symbolizes Jesus’ 40 day withdrawal into the wilderness.

The purpose of lent for the Christian is self-denial in preparation of the celebration of Christ’s death, burial and resurrection which is Easter.

It’s not just a Catholic holiday as many believe. Many Christian denominations observe lent; Normally by giving up or fasting from something. Use your Googles for more info. This ain’t Wikipedia.

I haven’t observed lent in a few years. It always sneaks up on me and I’ve been too lazy to give up something. It takes effort.

I gave up Facebook, am doing the #BathroomBreakChallenge (word to my friend Imani at christiancontrolfreak.com) and a Lent Bible reading plan. It has already been very rewarding.

Hindsight is 2020 right? I’ve learned that I was relying too much on my job/money, my material possessions, social status/friends and not God. Idol gods aren’t just golden statues. God will take all that away to get your attention. I left my job (money and insurance), lost some people my damn car broke down, and I’m nuts.

God Got me leaning on the everlasting arms, honey. It may not feel like I have much but this Peace I have outweighs all of that.

Since I’m not on Facebook, i get most of my news a little later when I sit down and look so heres my commentary on notable news:

kellyanne, girlKellyAnne was sitting on that couch like a child with no home training. You know how a
little girl isnt used to wearing a dress and you have to tell her “put ya legs down baby”. I had the urge to tell KellyAnne that but she’s a whole entire adult. There ain’t but a FEW reasons to have your leg open this far and this was not one of those occasions.

Ben Carson is another whole entire adult that has life wrong. I am still waiting on Ashton Kutcher to come out on the country and tell us we’re punked. This nigga is a brain surgeon that said the ancestors were “immigrants” that came over on slave ships. If they were immigrants WHY WERE THEY CALLED SLAVE SHIPS. The leader of HUD, yall. Has he ever seen Roots?!? I didn’t know brain surgeons could be THIS stupid. Maybe he’s in the sunken place, him and Kanye. Can we go get them or..? The bar has been lowered tremendously for all things. Now is the time to pursue whatever you want. I’m trying out for the NFL.

Third and final commentary. Yall want Ciara to be miserable so bad. If Ciara had stayed ciarawith Future, was raising Baby Future by herself, getting cheated on, singing sad ass songs and miserable, nobody would have anything to say. She released this gorgeous maternity photo and black ashy twitter is up in arms. Yall mad at Ciara for having the nerve to move on and marry a man that loves her and her son instead of being mad at Future who is nowhere to be found. A miserable black woman is so normal to us, we’re offended when she is happy.

If you don’t want another man in your son’s life, BE THE MAN IN YOUR SONS LIFE, NIGGA. Keep on prospering Ciara. Keep right the hell on.

me daddy mommaI’m so passionate about Ciara because look at this photo to the left. That is baby Carrie. The man holding baby Carrie is not my biological father. But he is my daddy. He married my mom when I was that age and raised me as his own. My biological father still ain’t interested in being a parent. It’s too late anyhow. So F you and your couch if you’re mad at Ciara. She isn’t the one in the wrong.

Note: I know it looks like that’s my brother holding me. LOL The resemblance is uncanny. He wasn’t even born yet. Ah the days of being an only child.

Ok, I think that’s all I got to say. I never know how to end these things.

Till next Wednesday. Bless your heart and all your parts.

– CAGW

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I would like to front for yall. I’d like to tell you I have it all together, that I’m healthy and not broke. I’d like to tell you that I know what I am doing and what I want to do in life.

I can’t.

I’m stressed. My skin looks bad and my hair is thinning. My cycle is irregular and I ain’t got an appetite. I am not myself. I’m super sensitive. I’ve had 2 bad anxiety attacks in the past two days (at the time I’m writing). My father has me blocked on facebook and I didn’t hear from him on my birthday. I’m fighting mad at him. I’m broke. I was sick on my birthday. I am grieving. I don’t enjoy the holidays. Seasonal depression. Crazy dreams. Donald Trump is the President-Elect. So, I’m not ok.

BUT.

I’m still here. (Runs around sanctuary)

There comes a time when you have to get honest and make a decision. I WANT to give up. But, I’m still breathing. I still wake up every morning and that means it aint over.

fb_img_1481767149017I got this damn semi colon tattooed on my hand.

I was inspired by project semicolon. Check them out.

Yall know I’m a grammar/spelling snob. Punctuation is useful. A semicolon separates two independent clauses; I like to think of it as more than a comma and less than a period.

The semicolon project brings awareness to people who have struggled with mental illness, for people who have struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The idea is that if we are the author of our lives, a semicolon goes after that struggle, not a period (oooh, i almost shouted. The Holy Ghost almost threw me off of this couch).

I am at the point right before the semicolon. I’ve learned that God will keep you in the storm until you learn your lesson. I am hardheaded and oblivious. It took a year almost to learn why I was struggling. So what did I learn?

I learned that I am not invincible.

I learned that I need people. I need friends and family that will listen or just sit with me until I’m ready to talk. I need friends that will go off on me if I’m not taking my medicine.

I learned that I must struggle (financially, physically, mentally) in order to help people who are struggling. Hebrews 4: 15 says “… we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one… who was tempted.. yet did not sin” Our greatest help went through what we go through in order to identify with us and intercede for us. I ain’t Jesus by a long shot. I certainly need a lesson or two in sympathizing. I feel a calling to help people. I believe good help comes from those who can identify with those in need.

I read 2 Corinthians today. Paul and the thorn. I wonder what Paul’s thorn was. I have my theories. My thorn (one of them) is my mental health. God didn’t take away the thorn even after Paul asked 3 times. But he did give Paul grace to deal with it. How would we know the power of God if we had the power? God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (v. 9) so we can boast about our weakness because that is when God sees us.

Thus are my birthday reflections. Thank you so much for your support.

– CAGW

 

 

CP Time: Black people always late!

Ok guys, I guess I’m going to be the one to address this. Black people, WE have got to stop being late everywhere and for everything.

Disclaimer:

I am not talking about one particular person, group, organization or event. If this sounds like you, your business or event, then do stuff on time, I guess. God bless your heart and all your parts. Don’t send me any messages please.

Furthermore, this is a WE/US discussion and not a “Y’all/Them” discussion. Timeliness is something I struggle with as well in my personal life and events. If you’ve ever been to one of my events and you’ve had to wait more than 30 minutes for the event to start, your next ticket is on me. I am sorry. We will do better. Thank you for the support. Send me an email for your coupon.

CPT or “CP time” refers to “Colored People’s Time”, an African-American expression that dates back to the early 20th century. It is the idea that black people are late for everything. Even those of us who don’t have a clock-challenge have trained ourselves to be late because we know our peers will be. It crosses generational lines.  In the biography of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. the author notes that MLK and his staff regularly operated on CPT.

In 1972 Ronald Walcott said this about CPT in Black World in 1972:

“CP Time is actually an example of Black people’s effort to evade, frustrate and ridicule the value-reinforcing strictures of punctuality that so well serve this coldly impersonal technological society.”

I get that, and I agree. But the issue for me comes when my money is involved. If we are not going to succumb to the parameters of time, why are we still sticking to expensive ass tickets?

Dustin J. Seibert said it best when talking about Rita Louise Watson Ms. Lauryn Hill. “If you’re getting a fat check to do a thing and you have thousands waiting on you to do that thing, you don’t get to decide when you want to get started to do that thing.”

If I told my supervisor (as Lauryn told her fans in Atlanta) “I don’t’ have an on/off switch. I am at my best when I am open, rested, sensitive and liberated to express myself as truthfully as possible.” When I show up to work at 11:47am instead of 9am like I’m supposed to, I wouldn’t have a job.

I am one of Lauryn Hill’s biggest fans. That being said, she is trifling. You got the nerve to be late for people that keep you in good standing with the IRS after not releasing a new album since the Great Depression? If my black ass waited until I was rested and liberated to do anything, I’d ALWAYS be at the house. Get your ass on stage L-Boogie. ON TIME.

Let me calm down.

My mother threw a birthday/tenure party for my aunt a few weeks ago. It started at 2pmEST. I showed up at (my mother’s house in Lexington) at 1:45 to help my mom with last minute party stuff. She had prepared games and wanted to wait for everybody to get there to play said games. We did not start games until around 4:30pm. I had somewhere to be in Louisville at 7:30pm. I left Lexington at 6:30pm.

My friend (who has been black longer than me and don’t play that late shxt) had invited me to the Louisville Orchestra’s final performance for the season that same night. It started at 8pm. I told her we could meet at 7:47pm. She said ‘girl, this ain’t a black event, that’s too late’. I was rushing to get to the event. I left Lexington too late fooling with my late ass family/friends.

My black ass showed up a little after 8 and had to walk across about 100 white people to get to my seat in the middle of the aisle. (If you’ve been in Whitney Hall you know what I’m talking about) It was 8:03. Thank GOD they were still making announcements and giving out Thank Yous. (It is BAD musical etiquette to be walking around while the orchestra is playing). The event started at 8, I got there RIGHT AT 8 and EVERYBODY had BEEN in their seat for a minute. My black ass was embarrassed.

“You should be honored by my lateness” – KanYe West

This is my mantra when anybody questions my timeliness. I’m grown and my stay at home game is strong. Be thankful I showed up at all. I had to stop and get rellos. But when we are late you know what we’re saying? We’re saying that you, your event, or whatever is not important enough for me to put forth the effort to be on time.

WE can be on time. It just takes effort. Are you late for work? for court? for the 9:05 showing of a movie? for free before midnight at the club? Right.

I was on time to my mom’s party because I love and respect my mom. I am on time to work (most days, help me Holy Ghost) because I’m broke I like that direct deposit every other Friday.

As a young entrepreneur, the goal is to change the world and make a lil change. I want to be taken seriously and that is hard because of the two strikes against me (black, woman).  I cannot afford to be sloppy when it comes to timeliness. I hate going to events (after I’ve bought a ticket) and waiting an hour or 3 for the show to start. I didn’t buy a ticket to watch you set up. On the flip side, people don’t support my events to sit around for an hour after the advertised show time waiting for the talent to show up. We’ve got to do better, yall.

I’m making a commitment to be on time both at my events and in my personal life. If you aren’t doing better, what are you doing?

 

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Purity Certificate: Vagina Carfax

I’m about to start charging yall for these blogs.

Yall always put me in a position to talk bad about fellow negros and fellow Christians.

brebowmanLast weekend, news broke that a young lady in Maryland presented her father with a ‘Certificate of Purity’ at her wedding. The certificate was from her gyno saying that her ‘hymen was still in tact’. Brelyn Freeman now Bowman is pictured posing with the Vagina Carfax Purity Certificate with her dad Pastor Mike Freeman. (He cute ain’t he a little..)

I feel the need to explain my perspective before I discuss my thoughts on this practice. I was raised by a single mother. She taught me that my body parts were MINE. She also taught me to wait until marriage. So I get that. I promise I do, I believe it’s the best practice. Sex is an exchange of spiritual energy that you should not exchange with everybody. We use it like a sport. I think that’s disgusting. The bible teaches us about how to treat our bodies. They are temples, don’t let errbody in chile. 1 Corinthians 6:20

[[#BibleStudy is short this blog because I have another one on deck as well. IDK who told yall to request 2 in a week. ]]

Let me first say hats off to Tim and Brelyn Bowman for staying virgins until they wed. (Tim did announce on Good Morning America that he too remained a virgin.. they also said they wasn’t virgins no mo.. yaassssss) I hope that many other young people look at them and decide to click clank. They are a beautiful couple too. She’ll be pregnant in 3 months tops yall.brebowman2

Here’s where I find the practice problematic.

First Problem

Brelyn’s hymen at no point is her own. She gave it to her daddy at 13. Then a man had to check and make sure it was still in tact, and then she gave it to her husband when she got married. As somebody with a vagina who suffers Eve’s painful consequences every 28 days, I’ll be DAMN if I’ll be gathering Carfax on my hymen to ANYBODY.

We as black people and Christians put all these boarders on women and their sexuality. What goes on in a teenage girls mind when she’s told that what’s between her own legs doesn’t belong to her?

AND AND AND

(I’m assuming) Tim didn’t make a covenant with his mother at 13 to keep his wee wee in his pants until he got married… and there is no test for a virgin penis is there? Tim’s penis has always been his own. Likewise I beliveBre’s vagina/hymen should always be her own.

Second Problem

As a result of some late ass cultural standards, Bre’s husband, Tim didn’t feel the need to present CarFax on his penis to his mother. Yall know I HATE that double standard. I wish we taught our young men to be as pure and chaste as we teach girls. Contrary to popular belief, the penis and the brain ARE connected and we sell our young men short by letting them think that it’s impossible for them to remain virgins, be pure and say ‘No’ to sex.

I could go soooo much deeper into the double standard but for the purpose of time/space and my laziness.

Third Problem

A hymen that’s in tact doth not a virgin make, necessarily. A number of things can break your hymen, a tampon, a bicycle, a pap smear. Also, a penis/intercourse may not necessarily break it. It IS pretty elastic, made out of the same thing a vagina is, so if a baby can come through it and not completely wreck shop, the hymen can take a beating as well.

Also, just because you have your hymen doesn’t mean you’ve treated your body as a temple. Anal sex and oral sex don’t do anything to a hymen. Plenty of yall got a hymen, but ya MOUF…

Fourth Problem

brebowman3The bible says ‘Present your bodies a living sacrifice unto God’ (Romans 12). It doesn’t say present your body… to your daddy..to your husband.. or to Instagram. I don’t know Brelyn from any young lady on the street and I could’ve been just fine with out knowing that her hymen hasn’t been broken. God knows all and sees all. That certificate was not for God. That was for Brelyn and her Daddy. What’s God gonna do with a certificate? God isn’t impressed by that. If you’re living a life that’s pleasing unto God, you don’t have to put it on Instagram. Brelyn should’ve just put that picture up and simply said ‘dancing with my daddy at my wedding. Praise the Lordt.’

Fifth Problem

That was none of our business. We live in a culture of over-sharing. Yall invite people into your bedrooms and draws and then got the nerve to tell people get out your business.. Girl, you invited me in! I’m going to have commentary 97% of the time. If you don’t want me to talk about it, don’t put it on the world wide internets.

Same goes for Terry Crews and his wife. I just didn’t want to know they went on a sex fast. When I get married, the only sex fast I’m going on is to get Gatorade, chile.

Thus are my thoughts on the vagina carfax.

“Don’t be offended this is all my opinion ain’tnothing that I’m saying law…”

*Strums Geetar*

Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and share. Be respectful.

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Sovereignty of God in death

What’s up yall, since my last entry, my grandmother (moms mom) passed away. I have one (biological) grandparent left. 2012 was quite the year, very hard. I learned a lot about God and His sovereignty. A friend of mine passed at 18 years old, my grandmother made her transition at 83. We are all at the disposal of God’s will. Knowing God has given me peace in that.

I’ve been motivated to live life on purpose.. because 23 doesn’t mean that my days aren’t numbered. Just a quick note. I’ll write more about my grandmother later. She was a great woman, very funny. Just too hard right now.

Peace.

-CW

Xavier

A month or so ago I lost a dear friend. His name was Xavier and he was only 18. I believe that everybody dies on time and God doesn’t take anyone early. BUT that doesn’t make the pain any easier. I am heartbroken. X and I’s moms are best friends since college, so we’ve known each other all our lives. That phone call from my mother replays in my head daily. I couldn’t process the information… I sat on the bathroom floor and just didn’t know what the hell to do. My mom told me not to get on the road (they live in Indianapolis) cause I was upset. I felt helpless. I still do. X left his parents, grandparents and brothers behind. I can’t imagine losing any of my brothers. That was a very hard trip to the cemetery. Its rare to see pain like that. It was hard for me because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do.

I haven’t been exercising, paying attention to what I eat, putting the effort I should into my school work or anything. I don’t want to go to therapy. I want to feel better. I’m VERY emotional about everything lately, always holding back tears at the silliest stuff. Maybe not silly, but I’m a Sagg and we only show emotion when absolutely necessary.

I’m hurt because X is gone. I’m hurt because his parents and siblings are like my fam and when people you love that much are hurting, you feel it… that’s only possible on God-level love. I appreciate that type of love because of the benefits… but it makes for hurt too. Sometimes I just don’t wanna love cause there’s no hurt without it… but i know that’s impossible.

I’m heartbroken and just came here to write cause I was about to explode. I thought about writing it privately but i realize we will have to deal with the loss of a loved one. It always helps to know you aren’t alone. 

The Homecoming King went home to be with the King of Kings. Rest in Power Xavier Loren Sommerville.

-CK