Category Archives: Christianity

#BibleStudyReflections: How Jesus Addressed Sexism, Racism & Sin at the Well

For this reflection, we find ourselves in the Gospel of John 4.

Jesus and the disciples were on their way back to Galilee from Judea. On the way, they stopped in a village in Samaria. While the disciples went to go get food, Jesus rested at Jacobs Well (mentioned in Genesis 33, not the one in Texas).  It was around noon and a Samaritan woman had come to draw water. Jesus asked her for a drink.

Pause.

Jesus was a (BROWN NOT WHITE) Jew and this woman was a Samaritan. Because of racism, Jews didn’t have anything to do with Samaritans. Also, men did not converse with women without the presence of their husband (I wish that’s how it was today. LOL).

This conversation was no accident. Racial and gender lines were broken by Jesus even initiating this conversation. A Jewish man talking to a Samaritan woman was NOT the social norm. There are social norms I tolerate, there are even social norms I appreciate. I’m so glad that Jesus knew when to break the rules.

The woman said so too, vs. 9 says “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” 

Jesus replies in vs. 10 “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me and I would give you living water.”

At this point, the woman (whose name we never know) and Jesus are talking about two different types of water. The woman was focused on the law. Jesus was focused on grace. Still focused on H2O, the woman tells Jesus he doesn’t have a rope or a bucket. So where are you going to get this water?

I enjoy how bold this woman is. He’s a Jew, she’s a Samaritan. He’s a man, she’s a woman. But she is still taking time to boldly question him. Sometimes as Christians, we are hesitant to question God. This woman is a great example of how bold we can be in our questions to Jesus. I’m so glad that he can and will answer our questions!

Jesus breaks it down. verse 13: “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again…”

The woman asks for this water. She doesn’t want the water for spiritual reasons. She’s concerned about her physical thirst and her social status. She’s come to the well at noon. Nobody would come to the well at the hottest time of day, I imagine drawing water from a well is physically taxing. Since everybody came to the well at the same time. It was as social as it was practical. Why was this woman even at the well alone at noon?

To answer her question, Jesus tells her to ‘Go and get her husband.’
Me: “Now, Jesus. You know that woman ain’t got no husband.”

Jesus wasn’t being shady though. According to the law, men couldn’t converse with women in public without their husband. But also, He was (gently) addressing her sin. Jesus didn’t come up on the woman and say “YOU A HO!”. He approached the woman humbly. By asking her to draw water for him he made her useful. He made her seen. He asked her He started a conversation.

“I don’t have a husband.” (verse 16) the woman replied. Jesus says in verse 17, “You’re right, you don’t have a husband. For you have had five husbands and you aren’t married to the man you’re living with now.”

Me: Dag Jesus, you gon just call sis out like that?! I bet she was at the well cause she had slept with somebody’s man and the girls ain’t like her.

5 Husbands is a LOT. But when we look at the social context of the time, when a woman’s husband died, she became a beggar, a prostitute or somebody else’s wife. Since men dropped like flies due to war, famine and disease, sis just chose the best option. I’m so glad single is an option now. 

It was this moment that she realized she wasn’t just talking to a regular guy. She also got called out and changed the subject. LOL. vs. 19. You must be a prophet. 20 So tell me why is it that you Jews insist  Jerusalem is the only place of worship while we Samaritans claim it is here at Mt. Gerizim where our ancestors worshiped?

Jesus replies in verse 21-24. “… the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship… on this mountain or in Jerusalem… salvation comes through the Jews. But the time is coming… when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth”

If I was Jesus, I woulda been like “Girl, don’t try to change the subject!” But He answered and in His answer addressed racism and sin. Jews were the chosen people. The 12 Hebrew tribes were those saved from slavery in Egypt and recipients of the promised land. They also had very strict religious laws to follow to stay in good standing with God.

Jesus came to shake all that up. With his sacrifice, the veil in the temple was torn and now we ALL have access to God is thorough Jesus. Thank God, I don’t wanna slaughter no animals.

So how did Jesus address racism, sexism and most importantly sin? The Water.

He used the earthly relevance of the water to start a conversation across racial and gender lines, and show the woman that He had living water; that HE IS living water.

To evade Jesus even further, she says “I know the Messiah is coming… he will explain everything to us.” Jesus tells her, “I AM the Messiah!”

I think I would’ve been skeptical. The woman wasn’t though. She left her water, she didn’t grab no shoes or nothing and went back to her village telling everyone, “Come see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could he possibly be the Messiah?”

As a result of her testimony, many Samaritans in her city believed in Jesus. Somebody had to tell you about Jesus. Somebody’s salvation will come about from your testimony. So tell someone about your Jesus encounter. Also, I believe this story is a good argument for women preachers. But I’m not arguing with Baptist negros today.

Imagine going to run an errand and meeting Jesus. Where did you meet Jesus?

“There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.” Galatians 3:28-29

Until next time, 
– Carrie

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#BibleStudyReflections 11: Take it Outta Me

I visited the Kingdom Center in Louisville, KY this past Sunday at the invite from my friend Jai. It was phenomenal. I’ll definitely be back. During the devotions/praise and worship, they sang “Have Your Way” by Jabari Johnson. It’s a beautiful song, go check it out.

The lyrics “If Its not pleasing to you, take it outta me.” will not and have not left me alone. During service, we had plenty of time to sing and meditate on that one line.

Can I be honest? There are some things in me that are not pleasing to God that ARE pleasing to ME. As I was singing that I felt God saying, “You sure? I’m going to take away some things you love.” My grandaddy/pastor Elder DJ Ward would ask us “Do you mean that?!” when we were singing certain songs. Sometimes, the response for me is “I’m not sure.”

During service it was mentioned that we are often ‘chasing an experience and not a relationship’. I had a great time in church Sunday singing that song. I had a horrible time dealing with the answer to the prayer on Monday.

One of the things being taken out of me is the urge to debate/argue with everything and everybody. It is mentally and emotionally taxing and usually doesn’t benefit anything or anybody. On Monday, I posted a status on my Facebook page saying that I was going to be intentional about avoiding arguing and conflict.

Then conflict showed up as if I had invited her.

It was conflict from something that happened a couple years ago (that didn’t involve me) from somebody I honestly barely know. I let two women (well, girls that are old enough to be women) take me to an angry/anxious place and ruin my day. I was in tears by the time my mom had gotten home. (She won’t go off on Facebook but she WILL come in my room and go off about people. LOL)

Today’s Bible Study took me to Psalm 51 by no accident. David wrote this Psalm after he slept with Bathsheba. (It’s a juicy story, go read) David recognized his the sin that he committed and the fact that he was a sinner.

“You’re not a sinner because you sin, you sin because you are a sinner.” – DJ Ward

Our natural, hereditary disposition is sin. Adam and Eve gave it to us. Sin isn’t something we do occasionally. Sin is who we are. So, it’s important for our constant prayer to be “If It’s not pleasing to you, take it outta me.”

And He’ll do it. 

Not only is the habit of debating/arguing everything and everybody leaving, but so is my love for it. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to debate if it does not lead to understanding and progress. I ain’t spending any of that energy for free. It’s too expensive, and I’m not talking financially.

Psalm 51:16-17 (NLT)
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

My spirit is certainly broken. I’m comforted in the fact that God will not reject a broken heart. (I’m also grateful I don’t have to slaughter and burn a lamb. Yuck.)

Psalm 139: 23-24 (NLT)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Until next time,

-Carrie

#ChurchHurt

[Disclaimer: I’m talking to and about Christians.]

Songs like “I’m Available to You” are cute and nice to sing… until God gives you an assignment you don’t want. I don’t want to write about church hurt. But here we are.

Last week frustrated with the actions of church folk (again), driving home I proclaim, “of all [redacted] places, I shouldn’t have to leave CHURCH feeling like this!”

There is no hurt like church hurt. The worst [emotionally. mentally. sexually] abuse I’ve been subject too has been at God’s house by God’s people. I know church hurt. So after  yall read this don’t come at me like “YoU dOnT kNoW wHaT iTs LiKe!!!” I do.

Can I keep it real?!

Some (not all, a portion, a few, a bit) of yall are full of shit.
Some of yall just don’t want to go to church. Its understandable. I don’t want to go often either. People don’t want to go to church because it is hard to be held accountable.

The pastor preaching about sin, its consequences and how God feels about it is not ‘church hurt’. It’s the truth. They may have mentioned your sin in their sermon. They don’t know your life unless you told ’em.

(This lady in church used to yell “You in my business!” during the sermon when she felt it. LOL)

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. [Hebrews 4:12, NLT]

Every Sermon ain’t supposed to make you shout. Some are supposed to make you grieve. Some Sundays we should leave church saying ‘WOE IS ME!’ If your pastor has never stepped on your toes or preached ‘on your row’, get you a new one.

We want to come to church, sing “Today will be the best day of my life”, spin around 3 times for a breakthrough, sew a seed of $20 so we can become a millionaire and be told there’s a champion in us. We want to be lied to. It feels better.

Joel Osteen is lying. Calvary WAS the breakthrough, you may be broke forever and in this life there will be trouble. [John 16:33]

Can I keep it 100?!

I’m talking to and about people who have professed Christ as their Lord and Savior and have stopped going to church because they got hurt. You are capable of forgiving hurt. You’re even capable of tolerating it. People hurt you at the club, grocery store, your job, the gym and you haven’t stopped going. Your Baby’s momma or daddy hurts you often but you still climb in bed with them.

If you allow being hurt to keep you from church, you have made an idol out of the hurt. I wish it didn’t say it but right there in Hebrews it says don’t forsake the assembly. God inspired Moses to write that because He KNEW how church nig… I mean ‘the saints’ can be. They are insufferable. But so are you. You have hurt people. I saw some people who are straight up terrorists talking about church hurt. I’m not buying it.

I think (not sure) this conversation was sparked by LeAndria Johnson’s rant. I’m a big fan of LeAndria’s singing but she’s trippin. She’s mad at somebody who didn’t recognize her while she was sitting in a chair getting hair and make-up done. Now, the girls put on a LOT of hair and make-up so you may have just been unrecognizable. The ‘before’ and ‘after’ are day and night. Or.. they could’ve just not been paying attention. My grandaddy/pastor used to say ‘You’re just not that important.’

If somebody hurt you, before you go on FB Live, address the person one on one (that’s in the Bible too), face to face and explain how they hurt your feelings. Le’Andria gets praised for “keeping it real”, but ranting about your hurt on Jesus’ internet is passive aggressive and she’s too old and too gifted to be acting that way. Le’Andria needs to see a therapist and yall stop booking her until she does. LOL

Furthermore, against the shadow of the cross, in my mind I could not justify people who are sinners just like me keeping me from church. Crucifixion hurts worse than anything church folk can do to you. He chose to hurt for me, He chooses to forgive my sins daily because of it. Surely I can forgive people. Surely I can find a church and a pastor for me.

As a Christian, you need a church. Free agents don’t play until they get on teams. Nobody refuses to go to the hospital because of sick people. We all need to see the doctor.

This all may sound insensitive. It is not my intention. But I’m not going to sugar coat or coddle grown ups either. I didn’t go to church for awhile. I didn’t WANT to go longer than that. So if you aren’t going. I get it. I ain’t mad atcha. I recognize that everybody ain’t where I am and it’s taken me a WHILE to come to this realization.

Those of you dealing with church hurt, I am so sorry. Please find the most healthy way to address it and get your ass…. i mean, find yourself back in church. How do you deal with it? Idk. LOL. It may mean finding another congregation, it may mean showing up when you don’t want to, it definitely means LOTS OF PRAYER. Pray for a heart to forgive. Pray for whoever hurt you. Pray for the Pastor. Pray when you wanna cuss out a nigga on Sunday morning.  God answers prayers.

*in my Lexi voice* GO TO CHURCH!

Now, I don’t want my perspective to look like it lets the church off the hook. Church hurt IS the church’s fault. 
The church needs to treat people better.
The church needs to stop asking a congregation of poor people to put gas in the pastor’s jet.
The church needs to address sexual abuse, toxic masculinity, patriarchy, generational curses, mental health and MUCH more.
The church needs more leaders who are called by God (then TRAINED) and not self-proclaimed.
The church needs a smoking section. The church needs a concession stand. 
The church should change the neighborhood.
The church needs to make social justice a priority.
Elders of the church need to know when to RETIRE and make way for the next generation. The next generation needs to listen to the elders with open ears and open hearts.
We need to make church a priority and not a ‘maybe’ on the weekend.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk. If you’re dealing with church hurt and need somebody to talk to, I am here. If you mad and want to cuss me out, I promise you don’t want this smoke! LOL. Bless your heart and all your parts. Like CarrieAmanda on Facebook. Comment or hit me up and let me know you readin! Thank you!

– CGW

 

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#LevelUp These

You’re familiar with the old adage, that if you roll your eyes they could get stuck like that. This can’t possibly be true. Or maybe, black women in the black church are immune to it. That’s like a evolution thing right?

The singer Ciara posted this clip of Pastor John Gray at a women’s conference of all places with the caption #LevelUp.

My friend asked me what I thought before I had even seen it. We discussed how Proverbs 18:22 is misinterpreted and over quoted in church. The ‘spirit of girlfriend’ whatever the hell that means isn’t addressed in that passage or an in the Bible. In this passage, the task is left to the man to find a wife, and niggas in the pulpit have still found a way to make the woman responsible.

I found a longer clip and Pastor Gray goes on to tell women basically to not wear makeup and weave because he’s looking for ‘the real you’and not the ‘projected you’. Do yall REALLY think women have a MAN in mind when doing their hair and makeup? We’re doing that for each other or for our damn selves. Black women are innovators when it comes to hair and make up and plenty sistas need to beat their face DAILY.

Furthermore, statistically, Black women in large part are marrying “down” to men with less education and who make less money. So in our case getting married is rarely a #LevelUp. “Finding” a Black wife is the #LevelUp so why doesn’t the Black church address boys and men? It instead gives men permission to treat women who aren’t wives however they want to.

Plus, the way yall talk about marriage? Got the nerve to tell me to #LevelUp and you climbing in bed with a broke man that can’t give you an orgasm. You #LevelUp first, sus. You. First.

And since we’re at church… There are plenty examples in the Bible of how men should treat women, what kind of husbands and fathers they should be. Let’s look at one. I have time. #BibleStudywithCarrie

When Joseph found out Mary was pregnant, he didn’t blast her on Facebook, he was hurt of course because he assumed Mary cheated on him and wasn’t trying to marry her. “But because Joseph… was a righteous man he was unwilling to disgrace her publicly, he resolved to divorce her privately.” (Matthew 1:19 CarrieOn version)

Joseph treated Mary honorably while he still believed she got pregnant by one of them Roman soldiers (I’m making this up, you’ll deal). THEN, he married her anyway and waited to have sex with her until Jesus was born. We only come to this passage of scripture during Christmas time, but I believe a few brothas could stand to learn about Joseph’s burden. Joseph treated Mary graciously as God treats us. We see Joseph following the command to treat your wife as Christ treats the church. Aren’t you glad God treats you with Grace?

There are plenty of fathers and husband in pulpits across America (women are kept out of many). Why is no one discussing being a husband and fatherhood?

My family is victim to a few men who weren’t taught to be husbands and fathers so when I hear niggas in the pulpit talking about women need to ‘cover up’ or ‘learn to cook’ or ‘stop wearing all that make up’ my eyes roll hard. They haven’t got stuck yet.

What if a woman (or man) enjoys being single and doesn’t want children? How does the church minister to women outside of being a wife and mother? In large part it doesn’t.

Personally, I’m trying to lose 100 lbs, make millions off my businesses, then invest in a farm. There’s no room for a husband and children in this vision. That isn’t what I want at the moment. (Eventually, I want children. I NEVER have to have a husband but I want my kids in a 2-parent household so I suppose I’ll get one. I digress.)

We are doing girls and women a disservice when we indoctrinate them to believe they are only valuable attached to  man. Don’t get me wrong, Mothers and wives are superheros and that’s what many women do want. That’s fine. But there are plenty of women who have other goals and aspirations and are just as LIT single.

Finally, we should teach people to be ‘good’ because it pleases God, not to please and impress other sinners.

In conclusion, women you’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Adam needed Eve, not the other way around. The first Gentile to declare Jesus the messiah was a woman, the first person to declare Jesus resurrected was a woman. You can do whatever you want husband or none. Prosper.

-CW

 

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Millenials and the Church Part 2

Here’s Part 1

Unauthentic emotionalism
Everybody loves a good shout. If nothing else its entertaining. But, if it happens every single Sunday and is forced, its not genuine. If I’m an emotional mess, I’m not engaged or listening. I certainly cannot be poured into that way. Of course we want to see a ‘move of God’ but that doesn’t always look emotional.

Lazy
It’s not always that deep. We were down to the bar Saturday night and Brunch starts at 2. We ain’t trying to get up in the mean time between time and go to church. Hungover. From what I’ve heard 🙂

We always want to leave church feeling good
If you’ve never been mad at your pastor’s sermon, if they’ve never made you feel bad about yourself, get you another pastor. Of course we go to church to feel better but the Gospel can be a sword (Matthew 10:34). Looking at yourself up against Jesus should make you thankful but it should also put a ‘woe is me’ in your spirit. God is after your heart. He isn’t concerned about you feeling good, being comfortable or having money. It may not be your season. You may not get a breakthrough next week. Hearing these LIES every Sunday may make you feel warm and fuzzy but they aren’t making you a better Christian.

Too Woke
Woke: to be socially conscious 
I have a few non-Christian “woke” friends.
“I see you still got that Roman cross on”
“Christianity was used to enslave us! It’s the white man’s religion!”
I’ve had these arguments. I rarely have them anymore. My rule is don’t disrespect what I believe, and I’ll respect what you believe. We can still coexist. I’m NOT going to stop being a Christian. This Roman cross is tattooed on me so we #minuswell move on.

Because being ‘woke’ is in and we’re all victims of peer pressure, it is important to know the word for yourself. I’m an activist because Jesus called me to be one and He is the activist I model my work after. Nobody was more woke than Jesus. I’m not going to let the Western World’s influence on Christianity keep me from Jesus. Problems with the presentation of Christianity (white Jesus) and the black church are totally valid. If the woke black people is on Sunday, I’ll be there AFTER church.

Generational Disconnect
Millennials and our parents and grandparents have our disagreements. I think what some millennials find frustrating is our parents and grandparents unwillingness to change. What worked in 1960 may not work in 2017. I believe there is middle ground. We are taught to respect our elders so it’s a challenge to be super honest. Lets talk about the generational disconnect of music. We’re free. (Well, we aren’t enslaved anymore, most of us… ) I’m tired of negro spirituals. I honestly never have to hear “Ride on King Jesus” again. He got off the donkey eventually.

The church doesn’t feel like it belongs to us when we hold no leadership positions and leadership doesn’t seem to be concerned about our generation. If it ain’t mine, I’ll be at the house. “No man can-a hinder me.”

Church has no impact on local community
Lots of us live in victimized communities. We have to be concerned about food deserts, gentrification, poor education, police brutality to name just a few. The church should be addressing these issues. If only because there is a black church on every corner in the hood. Shouting on Sunday ain’t enough. You ain’t being a light if the community is no different because you’re in it. It is as simple as showing up. As someone passionate about activism, I don’t feel the need to spend time and money on ANY organization that isn’t making a positive change.

In conclusion…
Thank you all so much for your patience. I have no computer at home and tendinitis. My local public library is Black af and not always the quietest place to write. I hope I gave someone some insight and can get some in return. These issues are not exclusive to millennials and it is my belief all Christians NEED TO GO TO CHURCH a few times a year. Thanks again. “… do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8

– Carrie

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Millennials & the Church Part 1

Millennials: Born from 1982-2002

Praise the Lord Saints, we’re going to tackle why black millennials have stopped coming to church. I got asked about it from a few friends that are leaders in the church and figured I’d offer my perspective and the anonymous perspective of a few friends. I quickly realized it be easier to digest in a parts. (Also, tendinitis in my wrist) This is the Part 1. Stay tuned for the remix (Part 2) coming at cha this fall.

I was forced as a child, I’m grown now and don’t have to.
Growing up, there was never a discussion about church. “Get up its 9” is the extent of the conversation. My brother and I didn’t have a choice.  Doesn’t every generation rebel when they ‘get grown’?

Service is too long
And do you know WHY we didn’t wanna go? We’d go Sunday at 11 and leave Tuesday at 3 with no break and no snacks. I still struggle doing it as an adult. I can imagine how kids struggle.

Church Anniversary was recently. Service started at 11….. 11:15. The preacher didn’t get up till 1pm. All them speeches, presentations, poems and shit! It feels too long because what we doing on service feels like open mic night sometimes. It has nothing to do with Jesus. Church is one place anybody can get up and get their 15 even if they don’t have any business with a microphone. By the time you’re frustrated and hungry, you can’t listen or engage in service properly.

Technology
“TD. Jakes and Bobby Jones have helped folks stay committed to Beside Baptist. Now with the ability to live stream church services YouTube past sermons and etc people feel like why so I need to come all the way to the church I can worship right at home.”

I can stream service at hundreds of churches across the country and not get out of bed. It’s lazy. But as someone with social anxiety, it’s just easier to watch from the house.

Church Niggas Christians
“Since I’ve been attending Bedside Baptist I haven’t been personally victimized by any of the church mothers. Nobody has attacked me for being 30, unwed, with no kids. Nobody has told me I need to put more money in the offering plate after I just gave my last. “

“I stopped going to church for a long time because of “church hurt” but eventually I had to stop risking my foundation with Christ because of people…. I realized that if I keep my eye on Christ and not the distraction/people regardless of what is said or done (which is hard) I’m less penetrated by the foolishness.”
I’ve dealt with church hurt. I was younger in my walk with Christ. It is silly to let God’s people keep you from God. When I’m sick, I go to the hospital. I don’t leave because ‘eww, all these sick people’. We’re all sinners. As I matured in my walk with Christ, church folk don’t bother me as much. It takes LOTS OF PRAYER, chile.

Leadership or lack their of
“…around my area with the black pastors, I just hear too many stories of these pastors and the allegations of baby mommas and side chicks”

“…too many of our churches are centered around leadership (pastor, worship leaders, other preachers or people in prominent placement), and this is a turnoff to a generation of community minded people like us millennials.”

The #BlackLivesMatter Movement that many millennials have embraced is a ‘leaderless’ movement. There is no pastor, president or CEO. It’s all of us or none of us. I do believe a pastor is necessary but we walk on the line of idolatry when it comes to our Pastor and First Lady.

Also, many leaders (deacons, preachers) in the church lead raggedy lives and as someone who is trying to be better, I need an example especially in a man. Men tend to not hold each other accountable. That’s another discussion though.

Sex
Yall lied to us about sex. All yall said was it’s for one man and one woman in marriage and don’t do it until then. As a preteen I wondered why adults kept saying don’t have sex. It didn’t sound appealing anyway.

Nobody told me that sex feels good.

Also, we’re told that masturbation is a sin as well. So how do I deal with my physical urges? I didn’t get those answers in church.

Homophobia/Gender Roles
” I’m a preacher’s kid and queer! Where do I begin….hypocrites, non-inclusive language and consistent perpetuation of gender roles!

The church has very conditional homophobia. Church queens make service lit with the music and the dance ministry. But the gays is going to hell.

Also, gender roles. I believe that gender is God’s design and for a purpose. But I wasn’t taught how to operate outside of wife and mother. When and if it happens, great. But I’m single with no kids and I wanna stay that way for a few years. Ain’t many niggas around here to ‘submit to’. So do I get a fixer upper nigga or what? The church teaches women to submit but not men to be somebody to submit to.

Thirdly, many of us (including me) are products of single parent homes where there was no man of the house. The woman was the leader of the family. I haven’t seen many examples of a submissive wife that were… appealing.

 

This is part 1. I pray that I’ve given some insight. If you’re a millennial and have anything to contribute to the church discussion, feel free to hit me up. This is an ongoing discussion. If you come up in my inbox trying to argue, I’m #ReclaimingMyTime God bless you real good.

 

– Carrie

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Lent Week Two: There’s No Future in Your Frontin’

Lent Week 2! What have a learnt? “There’s no future in your frontin.”

Frontin: Urban slang. To put up a facade or make appearances to maintain an inaccurate image of oneself “I know that I’m carrying on, nevermind if I’m showing off, I was just frontin'” – Pharelle

I feel like I should put a disclaimer on this. I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop looking at the screen thinking “How I’mma start THIS out?”

I love and appreciate the church I grew up in. That being said i am about to be very honest about some of my experiences. I love the church and everybody (well most of yall) just the same.  I know plenty of people reading are or have been members of this church. Church is a family and there are some cousins and uncles we can’t stand. Hell, i don’t too much like my daddy myself.

If you’re offended by this post, as a member of this church or any, pray about how you can make church easier on people.. and don’t come for my church or pastor. I’ll fight you. Well, probably not. I’m too pretty to fight. I will talk about ya momma though. I digress.

Bailey (my Volkswagen BLookUpDown gifeetle) is in the shop so mom and I have been sharing Condoleezza  (the other beetle). I haven’t been going to church with her, the church in which I grew up. (We live in different cities) I chalked it up to social anxiety but I realized it was something else as well. I decided to go last Sunday (2 Sundays ago by the time you’re reading) and immediately realized why I hadn’t been going. I got so many… looks.

The church I grew up in is very conservative. Women only in skirts conservative, no sleeveless shirts conservative. People wait for us to come out of church to see what we got on. Yall know how we dress for the Derby? That’s weekly.

I DID wear skirts and dresses for years but after ‘while it got uncomfortable. I just didn’t feel like me. I didn’t like the attention I got in a skirt (#thick) and who in hell wants to wear pantyhose EVER?! I used to take them off in the parking lot after service during the summer.

Also, I’ve since joined a church that was  less conservative (with teaching/preaching just as sound.. that’s important). I figured out I could go to church AND be me. I never thought that was possible.

I stayed home from church this past Sunday because I don’t want people to look at me funny for wearing pants.

It is so ignant its funny. No, literally I laughed after I typed that sentence.

Everybody wants to be accepted. It took a lot of rejection for me to realize this. (Well, not a LOT of rejection, look at me – sheeeeeeeeIT) I developed a strong exterior but rejection hurts just the same. I ain’t gon front, rejection hurts bad. 

The two rejections that hurt the most are from my father and from the church.

These rejections have happened over and over through out my life.  But you know what I realized after years of frontin? I’m just fine without them. By the grace of God, I am just fine. 

I have decided that I’m done trying to be accepted by anybody but especially by church niggas  folk and my pop. To hell with them, frankly. I prayed that I’d change, that God would change me to make me more acceptable so i could be more comfortable and Her only response was “I love you.”

fanny2.gif*Baptist Fit*

My goal should not be to be accepted by people that are sinners like me. I only need acceptance from One and he sent Jesus. –Quickens

After I understood what God did for my sin and what he continues to do in spite of my sin it was a teench harder to judge anybody especially for what the clothes they had on. I wholeheartedly understand why people don’t come to church. I just can’t let people keep me from Jesus. I ain’t going to stop going to church. Also, God doesn’t want you or I to be comfortable. But that’s a different subject for a different day.

It is difficult coming to the realization that the church you grew up in is not the church you are going to stay in. I thought I was going to get married and raise my kids there. I ain’t. Y’all know black people stay in church for dozens of generations in the same damn seat for a hundred years. I had to change churches in order to grow in my walk with Jesus. I had to change churches to be able to go every Sunday.

The lesson I’ve learned is that in order to heal you gave to deal. (Ooohh trademark that… sounded like Johnny Cochran.) You will not be able to move on or heal if you fronting about your hurt. You ain’t that tough. Trust me. I’m a professional fronter and I am nuts on paper. I was fronting about being hurt and why i was hurt. Yall know how much sleep I lost? I was up at 3am bothered and didn’t know why.kellyanne

Be honest with yourself. Keep it 100. It will help your skin. Look at KellyAnne Conway. She lies for a living and looks hung up to dry. Lying on top of the way some white women age? I digress.

Some things only come by fasting and prayer (Matthew 17:21). Lent has been a blessing. High-5 your neighbor and tell em “There’s no future in your fronting.” 

Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I never think people I know are reading until they let me know. So leave me a comment or message, dag!

Sola Gratia

-Carrie

 

 

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Lent Commentary Week 1: Sitting like KellyAnne Conway

Peace, yall. Welcome new followers! Thank you for following! Follow me on twitter and snap at @andcarrieon7 and like my Facebook page CarrieAmanda.

During Lent I’ll post every Wednesday, lets get into it.

I won’t assume everybody knows what Lent is so here’s a brief description. Lent is the 40 days before Easter. It symbolizes Jesus’ 40 day withdrawal into the wilderness.

The purpose of lent for the Christian is self-denial in preparation of the celebration of Christ’s death, burial and resurrection which is Easter.

It’s not just a Catholic holiday as many believe. Many Christian denominations observe lent; Normally by giving up or fasting from something. Use your Googles for more info. This ain’t Wikipedia.

I haven’t observed lent in a few years. It always sneaks up on me and I’ve been too lazy to give up something. It takes effort.

I gave up Facebook, am doing the #BathroomBreakChallenge (word to my friend Imani at christiancontrolfreak.com) and a Lent Bible reading plan. It has already been very rewarding.

Hindsight is 2020 right? I’ve learned that I was relying too much on my job/money, my material possessions, social status/friends and not God. Idol gods aren’t just golden statues. God will take all that away to get your attention. I left my job (money and insurance), lost some people my damn car broke down, and I’m nuts.

God Got me leaning on the everlasting arms, honey. It may not feel like I have much but this Peace I have outweighs all of that.

Since I’m not on Facebook, i get most of my news a little later when I sit down and look so heres my commentary on notable news:

kellyanne, girlKellyAnne was sitting on that couch like a child with no home training. You know how a
little girl isnt used to wearing a dress and you have to tell her “put ya legs down baby”. I had the urge to tell KellyAnne that but she’s a whole entire adult. There ain’t but a FEW reasons to have your leg open this far and this was not one of those occasions.

Ben Carson is another whole entire adult that has life wrong. I am still waiting on Ashton Kutcher to come out on the country and tell us we’re punked. This nigga is a brain surgeon that said the ancestors were “immigrants” that came over on slave ships. If they were immigrants WHY WERE THEY CALLED SLAVE SHIPS. The leader of HUD, yall. Has he ever seen Roots?!? I didn’t know brain surgeons could be THIS stupid. Maybe he’s in the sunken place, him and Kanye. Can we go get them or..? The bar has been lowered tremendously for all things. Now is the time to pursue whatever you want. I’m trying out for the NFL.

Third and final commentary. Yall want Ciara to be miserable so bad. If Ciara had stayed ciarawith Future, was raising Baby Future by herself, getting cheated on, singing sad ass songs and miserable, nobody would have anything to say. She released this gorgeous maternity photo and black ashy twitter is up in arms. Yall mad at Ciara for having the nerve to move on and marry a man that loves her and her son instead of being mad at Future who is nowhere to be found. A miserable black woman is so normal to us, we’re offended when she is happy.

If you don’t want another man in your son’s life, BE THE MAN IN YOUR SONS LIFE, NIGGA. Keep on prospering Ciara. Keep right the hell on.

me daddy mommaI’m so passionate about Ciara because look at this photo to the left. That is baby Carrie. The man holding baby Carrie is not my biological father. But he is my daddy. He married my mom when I was that age and raised me as his own. My biological father still ain’t interested in being a parent. It’s too late anyhow. So F you and your couch if you’re mad at Ciara. She isn’t the one in the wrong.

Note: I know it looks like that’s my brother holding me. LOL The resemblance is uncanny. He wasn’t even born yet. Ah the days of being an only child.

Ok, I think that’s all I got to say. I never know how to end these things.

Till next Wednesday. Bless your heart and all your parts.

– CAGW

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I would like to front for yall. I’d like to tell you I have it all together, that I’m healthy and not broke. I’d like to tell you that I know what I am doing and what I want to do in life.

I can’t.

I’m stressed. My skin looks bad and my hair is thinning. My cycle is irregular and I ain’t got an appetite. I am not myself. I’m super sensitive. I’ve had 2 bad anxiety attacks in the past two days (at the time I’m writing). My father has me blocked on facebook and I didn’t hear from him on my birthday. I’m fighting mad at him. I’m broke. I was sick on my birthday. I am grieving. I don’t enjoy the holidays. Seasonal depression. Crazy dreams. Donald Trump is the President-Elect. So, I’m not ok.

BUT.

I’m still here. (Runs around sanctuary)

There comes a time when you have to get honest and make a decision. I WANT to give up. But, I’m still breathing. I still wake up every morning and that means it aint over.

fb_img_1481767149017I got this damn semi colon tattooed on my hand.

I was inspired by project semicolon. Check them out.

Yall know I’m a grammar/spelling snob. Punctuation is useful. A semicolon separates two independent clauses; I like to think of it as more than a comma and less than a period.

The semicolon project brings awareness to people who have struggled with mental illness, for people who have struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The idea is that if we are the author of our lives, a semicolon goes after that struggle, not a period (oooh, i almost shouted. The Holy Ghost almost threw me off of this couch).

I am at the point right before the semicolon. I’ve learned that God will keep you in the storm until you learn your lesson. I am hardheaded and oblivious. It took a year almost to learn why I was struggling. So what did I learn?

I learned that I am not invincible.

I learned that I need people. I need friends and family that will listen or just sit with me until I’m ready to talk. I need friends that will go off on me if I’m not taking my medicine.

I learned that I must struggle (financially, physically, mentally) in order to help people who are struggling. Hebrews 4: 15 says “… we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one… who was tempted.. yet did not sin” Our greatest help went through what we go through in order to identify with us and intercede for us. I ain’t Jesus by a long shot. I certainly need a lesson or two in sympathizing. I feel a calling to help people. I believe good help comes from those who can identify with those in need.

I read 2 Corinthians today. Paul and the thorn. I wonder what Paul’s thorn was. I have my theories. My thorn (one of them) is my mental health. God didn’t take away the thorn even after Paul asked 3 times. But he did give Paul grace to deal with it. How would we know the power of God if we had the power? God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (v. 9) so we can boast about our weakness because that is when God sees us.

Thus are my birthday reflections. Thank you so much for your support.

– CAGW

 

 

Reflections on The Black and Blue Lives Matter Form

bluelives 2Let me preface this by saying that the following reflections are mine and mine only. They don’t reflect the thoughts, feelngs or values of any organization. Don’t hold my ratchet mouth against anybody but me (but know idgaf).

This flyer (left) appeared on my Facebook newsfeed last week. I reposted with the caption #Nope. I then shared it in a certain group and on my Timeline with the question “Why do we (local BLM activists, millennials and regular ass people) keep getting left out of these conversations?”

A few people had the “kumbyah we all need to unify” rhetoric. I ain’t with it. I’m a proud member of the #CallOut Ministry. The old heads keep having forums and panels with the #BlackLivesMatter tag AND keep not inviting the activists or anyone under 137 years old. There is an official BLM chapter in Louisville. If BLM is not invited, don’t put #BlackLivesMatter on your flyer. RESPECK THE NAME. Is we finished or is we done? I’ve had to voice this to two events. In the words of Snoop Dogg “Do I look like the type of nigga that likes repeating himself?”

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with beef and arguing. Especially if we have the same goal ultimately. Should we do it publicly? Absolutely not. But we should do it. (I’m sure Dr. King and them argued. I’m sure somebody was like Dr. King can you quit fucking everybody?)

Nevertheless, we had a good conversation and somehow I got bamboozled into attending. I’m still not sure how it happened but here I am on Saturday at 9am at this fuckshit forum.

9am on Saturday was the first mistake. People my age and younger are not going to be anywhere at 9am on Saturday given a choice (I don’t even go to work until 10 at the earliest). People my age and younger are also the ones that are victims of police brutality. You cannot have a conversation ABOUT people that you won’t have a conversation WITH (Darrell Scott and Omarosa don’t count, Donald Trump).

2nd mistake. There was no repast. Jesus preached, and then everybody got fish sandwiches. Any time I’m a guest at somebody’s church I expect to sample the punch of the shadiest church motha. WWJD?

For this reason (in my opinion) there were only about 30 people tops. Which looks like 5 when in a sanctuary.

The forum was held at Spirit Filled Ministries (Louisville, KY). I THINK Bishop Kelsey (a retired police officer) is the pastor. That’s another mistake. Having a forum in the sanctuary. The sanctuary of a black church is (typically) NOT a space that young people or women can be comfortable speaking out. I also am not going to cuss in the sanctuary and I need to be able to cuss at a forum called Black and Blue Lives Matter.. ’cause yall out your rabbit ass mind for that title.

The first speaker was attorney (Tibbs) that gave us this handout. (below) I’ll try to provide a better pic tomorrow. Yall gon deal for the time being.

bluelives 1

His main point was to know our rights, not argue with a police officer but instead take up our issue with the police officer in court. So I asked “what if the police officer kills me first?”. Tibbs and Kelsey responded by telling me to get involved in local politics. Bishop Kelsey also kept calling me ‘baby’ and cut me off. I passed the mic and knew I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

How in the entire hell can I get involved in politics if I’M DEAD MY NIGGA? Somebody told Philando Castile to be respectful to the police. He was and he was still killed. When are we going to address police officers behavior and not victims?!?!?!?!!? Whew. Let me calm down.

I AM involved in local politics. I’ve worked on (winning *flips hair*) campaigns for judges, council members and state reps. That doesn’t make a bit of difference if a police officer with bad aim and bad judgement pulls me over.

“But officer, I work in local politics!”

“Oh you do?” *Puts gun up*

The next speaker was DeVone Holt. He could only stay for so long because he had to get to the studio for his radio show. He finessed that appearance so he could talk and not have to answer questions. He talked about how he’s not going to vote for Trump or Hill and how Black America hates him for it. As a member of Black America, I don’t give a damn what DeVone does much less who he votes for. Hell, I #barely know who he is. Negros are soooooo important. *Rolls eyes* I don’t know what any of what he said had to do with the forum.

The speaker after that was Ray “Sir Friendly C” Barker. He got up and talked about… himself. He discussed the thousands (i promise he said thousands) of children he mentored and his experiences as a cop.

He was reminiscing about the good ole days and trying to defend shooting somebody. He said that cops are trained to shoot twice in the chest (not the leg or arm) and damn near had an orgasm talking about it. He also talked about how he didn’t agree with some of the ‘antics’ of the BLM movement. I think this was the point I wanted to lay in the pew and scream at the top of my lungs. But God. I. got. your. antics, old man.

My fellow activist friend and Sir Friendly got into a heated discussion and a few of the men of the church including Bishop Kelsey surrounded him. My friend was speaking passionately and using his hands, but he wasn’t a threat. Back up off the homie.

I got up and used my womanly charm to defuse the situation. These soft hands, tiddies and eye lashes serve many purposes, one is to manipulate men.

Bishop Kelsey and I ended up exchanging numbers and he’s gonna invite me to some talk he’s having with somebody next week. Negros aren’t getting another Saturday morning out of me for a few months so it better be on a weekday evening and HAVE REPAST.

After that Judge Denise Brown got the mic and stanched edges. She said not voting is the ‘dumbest argument’ she’s ever heard. I again resisted the urge to lay in the pew.

I then got up and observed conversations in the lobby. This lady, wife of a police officer asked me and my fellow activist friend if we wanted to be police officers. #Nah, Lady. I’m tired of people telling us (young black people) to become police officers whenever we have criticism for the police. I criticize my doctor. I’m not going to medical school. I criticize my mechanic. I’m not going to mechanic school. I don’t want to be a police officer. I shouldn’t have to be one to ensure my people aren’t getting killed.

I told her we could set up some programs in predominately black high schools that puts kids on a track to become a police officer like ROTC but I certainly won’t be becoming a popo. I can’t pass the drug test. 

This concludes my reflections on The fuckshit Black and Blue Lives Matter Forum. I’m not going to anymore forums/panels/discussions/pow wows/hotep meetings. I AM going to invest my efforts in programs and organizations that are worthwhile though. Stay tuned.

It’s 2am and I got *sings* church in the morning.

-CGW

 

 

 

 

 

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