A month or so ago I lost a dear friend. His name was Xavier and he was only 18. I believe that everybody dies on time and God doesn’t take anyone early. BUT that doesn’t make the pain any easier. I am heartbroken. X and I’s moms are best friends since college, so we’ve known each other all our lives. That phone call from my mother replays in my head daily. I couldn’t process the information… I sat on the bathroom floor and just didn’t know what the hell to do. My mom told me not to get on the road (they live in Indianapolis) cause I was upset. I felt helpless. I still do. X left his parents, grandparents and brothers behind. I can’t imagine losing any of my brothers. That was a very hard trip to the cemetery. Its rare to see pain like that. It was hard for me because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do.

I haven’t been exercising, paying attention to what I eat, putting the effort I should into my school work or anything. I don’t want to go to therapy. I want to feel better. I’m VERY emotional about everything lately, always holding back tears at the silliest stuff. Maybe not silly, but I’m a Sagg and we only show emotion when absolutely necessary.

I’m hurt because X is gone. I’m hurt because his parents and siblings are like my fam and when people you love that much are hurting, you feel it… that’s only possible on God-level love. I appreciate that type of love because of the benefits… but it makes for hurt too. Sometimes I just don’t wanna love cause there’s no hurt without it… but i know that’s impossible.

I’m heartbroken and just came here to write cause I was about to explode. I thought about writing it privately but i realize we will have to deal with the loss of a loved one. It always helps to know you aren’t alone. 

The Homecoming King went home to be with the King of Kings. Rest in Power Xavier Loren Sommerville.



Author: CarrieAmanda

Unashamedly Black and Unapologetically Christian. I drink white tears and laugh at things I shouldn't. I'm a chunky monkey striving for a less chunky body to drop instagram thirst traps. I live in a damn red state. I fight racism, patriarchy, white supremacy, homophobia and all 'at. I have anxiety disorder and clinical depression. I talk about that in this here blog. I'm an aspiring ubran gardener and I have a T-Shirt company at www.hunnychile.com! Snapchat/Twitter/IG: @carriekeepushn Facebook Page: CarrieAmanda You're welcome - Carrie

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