My Problem With The Body Positive Movement

I’m quickly realizing that I’m not THAT woke. I’m not woke enough to defend grown ass women showing up to their child’s school in bonnets, not woke enough to touch a lawnmower, not woke enough to not laugh at a grown ass man with a yorkie and not woke enough to act like there aren’t health issues associated with being overweight.

I’ve had this blog written for awhile but I knew it’d be controversial and I always lose ‘friends’ when I talk about this topic. My opinions the body positive movement, gender reveals and child support really set people off and to keep it 100, I enjoy getting a reaction out of people. But I’m gonna say this now, I’m not going back and forth with you niggas after I write this as I am too busy living my best life.

Here’s the picture I saw that made me decide to finally post this:

I chose to leave out the @ of the person who posted this because after looking at the rest of their timeline and the thousands of responses under the tweet, I’m not going to add anymore wood to that fire. I quickly realized that this post was a simple projection of their own unhappiness and insecurity and I know how stressful it can be to have your notifications blowing up with people telling you why you’re wrong.

There’s a LOT to unpack here and I feel it necessary to get some precursors outta the way. First of all, the Body Positive Movement centers whiteness. I’d be remiss to not say that out loud. My friend Hess Love wrote a very insightful article addressing White Supremacy, Fatphobia and Colonialism.

Second of all, Fat-Shaming is very real and only one thing on a list of challenges people of a certain size face. Fat-shaming is defined as criticizing people to make them feel ashamed enough to lose weight. It does not work. It actually has quite the opposite affect. Many times critics are people who have never had to struggle with weight and who won’t say anything to their 350 pound momma. If you are not a healthcare professional, you have nWo business addressing someone else’s health. Weight is no measure of character and is no excuse to mistreat someone. It’s none of your business and if you’re doing it to a stranger behind a screen, you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better. Stop offering your unsolicited opinions, especially on people’s bodies. Nobody asked you.

But that’s not why I’m here.

I’m here about the section of the Body Positive Movement that shames people for losing weight.

The Body Positive Movement promotes being happy with your body at any size. From my view, it is largely just a marketing campaign. These days, more women are a size 12+ so (depending where you are and what you’re selling) it isn’t as profitable to JUST make clothing sizes 0-10 anymore. Clothing companies dgaf about you or your health. They only care about your money. If the people with money are a size 22, they’ll make size 22 available so they can get that coin.

I have a T-Shirt company (shameless plug!). When I started out I bought S, M, L, & XL shirts. Since many of my customers are grown ass Black women, I wasn’t moving those Smalls and Mediums at all. XXL and XXXL make up a good number of shirts I sell so those are what I buy first. Capitalism drives all things in this section of the world. The Body Positive Movement wasn’t made for body positivity for real.

As a Black woman that’s size is well into the double digits, I can appreciate the body positive movement. It DOES make me feel good and included to scroll through IG and see more girls that wear my size promoting clothes that will actually fit my body. I know exactly how bad it feels to not be able to find your size in a store. I still rarely go into the fitting room or even shop for clothes. One of my favorite stores, Old Navy just recently started going past size 12 in pants and offering XXL and XXXL shirts. I remember a time when stores like Lane Bryant were the only place I was going to find a pair of pants that fit. (It’s still one of the only places I’m gonna find a bra, pray for me.) Again, this movement in large part was created just to sell clothes and I’m buying them.

While I do believe there are many well-intentioned people behind the movement for Body Positivity and that we should love ourselves regardless of our physical state, I think the movement has the potential to be dangerous and I’ve experienced this potential first hand.

A couple of years ago, I was invited to a community group for fat people by a classmate of mine. I guess I thought eating healthier and physical activity would be involved and when I asked, the response was hostile to say the least. Frankly, it was a group for fat people to meet up… and eat. I always want to support anyone attempting to do something positive but I couldn’t reconcile being part of community of people hostile to weight loss when weight loss was one of my accomplishments and goals. I felt so guilty and shallow.

I ended up in a long unproductive Facebook debate. My fear was that the health implications behind being overweight were being denied and ignored. I talked about how much better I felt because of recent weight loss and them bitches they down played my hard work. They were attempting to gas light me into thinking the improvement in my health had nothing to do with my weight loss.

I had followed a strict diet for a month, dropped 20 lbs and as a result normalized my blood pressure and reversed pre-diabetes. I was proud of myself and they brushed it off. I ended up telling them in so many words they were full of shit and of course, got blocked. That is one of the only times in my life I’ve ever felt bullied.

Now, lets talk about this picture. I looked up the website that created it, and here’s what they have to say about before/after pics. I don’t disagree with most of their views. But the context in which I saw this picture is problematic and becoming a trend so lets address that.

How is shaming people for making a choice about their body ‘Body Positive’? How (in response to abortion legislation) do you scream about a woman’s choice then a week later say ‘fuck her’ for losing weight? In my last blog, I said Pro-Life people weren’t REALLY pro-life, but I’m starting to realize pro-choice people aren’t REALLY Pro-Choice. Many so-called liberals, social justice warriors, and people who fancy themselves ‘conscious’ and ‘woke’ are really pro-you doing only what they agree with or pro-you doing what THEY want to do with THEIR body.

I see this parallel in how women who go on ‘slut-walks’ turn around and shame women who chose to wait until marriage, be stay at home moms or chose not to post their whole birth canal on the ‘gram. That’s why y’all love to hate Ayesha Curry. But that’s a different blog for a different day. The point I’m trying to make is, some pro-choicers are fulla shit too and that there is a Regina George in every group, even those fighting for equality.

Furthermore, if you were that secure and content in your body, seeing someone choosing to lose weight and celebrating it wouldn’t be such a trigger for you. We don’t see things as they are. We see thing as WE are. Nobody posting their fitness journey is thinking about you or trying to offend you. My grandaddy always reminded us “you just aren’t that important”. In many situations, the hostility you feel for others is really the hostility you feel for yourself and your choices. The big mental health challenge of social media is constantly seeing people’s highlight reels and feeling inadequate by comparison. That’s all being mad about somebody’s before/after is. You’re unhappy with your ‘before’, lying to yourself and that has nothing to do with the person on your screen and everything to do with you.

The community and encouragement I’ve received from posting about my weight loss has really benefited both my mental and physical health. I am encouraged and motivated by the fitness journeys I’ve seen and want to provide that same encouragement to someone else.  I’m supposed to not post my journey to make YOU feel better? What about how I feel? This particular section of the movement is narcissistic, insecure, self-centered, projecting and needs to keep that toxic energy over there.

“Posting weight loss shows which bodies you value.”
It absolutely does. Mine is the body that I value, that’s why I’m making healthier choices for it. I am capable of choosing to lose weight and still valuing/fighting for a person who chooses not to.

I’m not qualified or willing to tell you why you should lose weight. That is none of my business. I can only speak for myself. 5’2″ carrying around 310 pounds was one of the most unhealthy points in my life. Granted, a large part of that was my mental health. Stress caused me to develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and I was trapped in a vicious cycle. 40-ish pounds later, my skin is clearer, my hair and nails are growing faster, my period is more bearable, my blood pressure is normal and I’m able to tackle life’s problems with more confidence; not because of my looks but because I set a goal and was able to accomplish it. I am proud and will be on the social medias celebrating and not apologizing.

Which brings me to my next point; your triggers are your responsibility. You have the freedom to choose what you will be exposed to. To protect your energy, you should be very intentional about what comes across your screen. For my sanity, I do not watch videos of cops harassing/killing Black and Brown people. I rarely read stories about children being abused. I took a 5 month break off of Facebook after Surviving R.Kelly. I have my own father blocked. I don’t have the right to tell people what they can and cannot post. I only have the right to refuse to be exposed to it and enthusiastically unfollow, block and delete.

In conclusion, if weight wasn’t a factor in health, we wouldn’t lose it when we started making healthier choices. Our bodies are made to carry a certain amount of weight, period. Our organs struggle to function when surrounded by too much weight. I am an activist passionate about the freedom of my people and that includes our physical health too. I’ve lost many family members to diabetes and heart disease. As long as I’m walking by caskets and visiting hospitals about problems that could be solved with lifestyle changes, I’m not going to be quiet about health to appease anyone. Any movement that makes anyone feel guilty for losing weight is not a movement at all, it’s a group of mean girls.

Fuck my weight loss pictures?
Fuck you.




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If you’re pro-life, you’re full of… : A Rant on the Latest Abortion Legislation

I’m about to rant and there will be cuss words.

Last week, Alabama set us back a hundred years and (25 red necks republican men) passed the most restrictive abortion ban in the country. The WOMAN governor signed bill last week. Since we now have a very conservative leaning supreme court, state legislatures have made it clear that Roe v. Wade is under attack.

Under the bullshit bill, abortion would be a felony. Doctors who perform them would face up to 99 years in prison. There are NO exceptions for rape or incest.

Alabama is on a growing list of states with ‘6-week’ bills. Georgia, Ohio, Mississippi, Iowa, North Dakota and my old Kentucky home have all banned abortions post 6 weeks. Pro-bullshit groups call these “heartbeat” bills because they ban abortions once a heartbeat is detected which is usually in the embryonic stage at 6 weeks. This is severely restrictive because 6 weeks is only 2 weeks after a missed period and most people find out they’re pregnant around 8-12 weeks. These bans leave a very small window of time to one, find out you’re pregnant and 2, have the procedure done. Presently, abortions are legal up to around 24 weeks.

The goal of this legislation to establish a fetus as a person.
If a fetus is a person:
Does child support start at conception?
Does maternity leave start at conception.
Is an ultrasound child p-rnography?
Do pregnant people get to vote twice?
Is your birthday now when parents fu.. conceived you?

Fetuses are not people. They do not have legal rights. At 6 weeks, a fetus is literally a parasite. I have a garden. My seeds were not food when they were put in the ground a month and a half ago.

Moreover, these laws set a very dangerous precedent. In Ohio, there is a pregnant 11 year old rape victim who under the law would be required to carry her 26 year old rapist’s baby. Is anybody else’s mind blown but mine? The doctor who would perform the abortion would probably get more jail time than the 26 year old man who raped an 11 year old girl!

The pro-life vs. pro-choice debate has in my opinion always been a waste of time. At the end of the day, if a stranger I have no connection to decides to make a personal choice about their own body, how is my life affected?

Pro-Lifers are full of shit. Here’s why I think so. 

People enjoy being passionate and outraged about issues they don’t really have any control over so they won’t be in danger of actually doing anything. I have never met a pro-lifer who adopted or fostered children. Pro-lifers sit at the same table with those outraged about Colin Kaepernick kneeling because of ‘the troops’ but who keep voting for lawmakers who consistently vote against the best interest of veterans. Their outrage is very selective. When it comes to symbolism, like standing for the national anthem or sticking a ‘pro-life’ sticker on their Subaru they participate. But when it comes to substance, like holding politicians accountable and adopting/fostering those children they really want to be born, they are absent.

Likewise, Pro-Life is one of the tenants of what it means to be a political conservative. Republicans are passionate about the government not playing a large role in people’s lives while simultaneously inserting laws into women’s wombs. Offering legislation and ideals for my reproductive system is REAL involved, guys.  They also favor less government spending on social programs. So if you don’t get an abortion? Great. But when your child needs healthcare, food and education? LOL.

Second, Pro-Life is a largely Catholic ideal (Yes, I’m going there). How do you reconcile being ‘Pro-life’ but doing nothing when priests rape children for decades on an international scale? You’re so concerned about them being born but not so concerned about millions of them being raped for years? That does not add up.

Furthermore, the reality is, 100% of pregnancies are a result of men’s orgasms. So if we want children to be born into the best conditions possible, we need to address men’s bodies not women. Women can only make a baby every 9 months. Men can make a child every day. Why are their bodies not subject to legislation? As I’ve said before, Alyssa Milano is full of shit but I don’t think a sex strike is such a bad idea. Until women can decide what they want to do to their bodies, they should stay away from sperm. (I know y’all hoes ain’t gon do that though so here’s an article on other ways you can help women subject to extreme abortion bans.)

I have never been pregnant. So I’ve never had to grapple with the choice of carrying a child or not. But I deserve the choice and so do all women. The only people who should discuss a woman’s health care are that woman and her doctor. Period. It is a waste of time and energy for men who will never have to make such a decision to even have an opinion. There are PLENTY of issues legislatures need to address. Abortion had ALREADY been addressed almost 50 years ago.

Ultimately, no one can take away a woman’s choice. If a woman wants to get an abortion, she can get one. Women were getting abortions before Roe vs. Wade in 1973 and they will continue to do so after restrictive legislation in 2019. The problem is how dangerous the procedure will become once it is illegal. If the government can provide needle exchange programs to keep addicts safe, it should provide abortions for women to keep them safe. We can all agree you probably shouldn’t shoot heroin or opiates in your veins right? Does that mean we shouldn’t provide clean needles? Likewise the fact that some of us don’t believe in abortion should not mean that people who DO believe in it should not have access to it.

Lastly, (cause I know someone is going to ‘aint-you-a-Christian?’ me) as a believer, I do not see a biblical basis for being pro-life. My Bible says to ‘do justice, love mercy and to walk humbly’. (Micah 6:8) Taking away a woman’s choice is an injustice I will continue to speak out about even against my siblings in Christ. If an abortion is a sin, the same God who shows YOU mercy in spite of your sins, will show her mercy. Right? Christians must stop using the Bible as an excuse to mistreat, judge and put people in danger of not receiving the best healthcare possible. A woman or girl getting a dangerous back-alley abortion and dying from it will not make the Christian in me feel better.

If you don’t believe in abortion, don’t get one. 

Let me get my red robe and white bonnet ready…

Thank you so much for reading, supporting, kind words and sharing. Follow me on IG/Snap/Twitter at @CarrieKeepPushn. (I’m on a social media fast for the next week, but I’ll be back to shenanigans soon!)

– C

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How I Got Fired From Kroger for Using CBD Part 1

Last year, i started working as a Barista at Starbucks in Kroger on Leestown road in Lexington, KY. I was employed by Kroger, not Starbucks.

In December, one of the store’s managers, Rachel Muncie accused me of “smoking pot” on my break which resulted in my termination.

On December 18th 2018, I was sitting outside in the break area smoking a Plain Jane CBD cigarette. It looks just like any other cigarette and is odorless. I use CBD for anxiety. CBD use is legal in all 50 states as of 2004. About 30 minutes after I come in from said break, I’m called to the manager’s office.

I get there and go into a small office with Rachel, another manager, Matt and a union rep.

“Were you smoking pot outside?”, Rachel says. Bitch, first of all…


I started laughing. Why in hell would my Black ass sit in front of the store I work in and smoke weed?! I deny it. She asks “would you be willing to take a drug test?” I laugh some more and refuse.

“Well, the smell was really strong.” She said. I replied, “the cigarette I was smoking is odorless so…”


I then go back to the kiosk to get the box of cigarettes. I come back and pull one out. The union rep googles CBD, the Plain Jane brand and determines that what I was smoking is in fact odorless and legal.

I then say, “are we finished or are we done?”

Now, pay attention. Rachel APOLOGIZES to me and I’m sent back to work.


If Rachel believed that I had been smoking weed less than 30 minutes ago, then that means I was high and if Matt and Rachel managers of the store believed I was high, why would they send me back to work? As a Barista, I’m dealing with 200 degree liquid and making complicated white-woman drinks. I can’t do that while high. Trust me.

Furthermore, nobody else smelled weed but Rachel. Matt later on admitted that I didn’t smell like weed and nobody else mentioned smelling weed or me acting high, not customers and not coworkers. But Rachel used the words “real strong” when describing how I smelled. She was 10 feet away from me and quickly walked by multiple people but it just had to be me. Wonder why?

Rachel may have been smelling one of hundreds of customers that had walked by that day or hell, her damn self, she has presented herself as a weed expert, after all. Or just maybe it didn’t smell like weed at all since everybody was smoking cigarettes.

After I was sent back to work, even though the store managers believed I was high, I was closing up the store, Matt comes by the kiosk and says “because we had a sit down meeting, we had to contact HR (or management.. one of those) and they still want you to do a drug test.”


HR/Mgmt did not have to be contacted. HR (or management) could not have been contacted at 7:30pm. Nobody from HR (or management) is still at work past 5 at the latest

Here’s what happened, Rachel got her little white woman feelings hurt because a Black woman checked her ass. She could’ve took the L, licked her wounds and moved on. I was prepared to move on and keep running for Jesus.

If HR or management was called, Rachel, Matt or Zach (the other manager that was at work that night) went out of their way to contact whoever while they were at home, if they contacted anybody at all.

By now, its 8:15 and I’m closing the store at 9. I ask what kind of drug test and how long it’ll take. (I was willing to do a mouth swab.) Nobody could answer either question.  I wonder how you’re going to drug test somebody and don’t know how? Why couldn’t anybody between 3 whole managers provide any information?

I decided I wanted to sleep and pray on it and didn’t want to keep anyone or myself at work longer than necessary over white woman accusations.

I was then told that I would be suspended if I refused and had to leave the store. So i threw up two fingers and left. This inconvenienced my direct manager and coworkers because as the closer, part of my job is to prepare the kiosk for the next morning. I did not get to finish restocking or cleaning, take the money drawer to customer service or even lock up the kiosk.

The next day, the union rep, Brian Riggs contacted me and let me know my options. He also insisted that this wasn’t about race.

Now, here’s a message from our sponsors..

Hey white people, you don’t get to decide whether or not its about race. Its been about race in this country for 400 whole years (literally, they got here in 1619) and that’s you and your papaw’s fault.

3 people were outside smoking. 2 of them were white. 1 of them was Black. 1 of them was accused of smoking weed. That one was accused because she is Black. Period. She’s been Black for nearly 30 years. She’s an expert on when its about race.


My options:

If I took a drug test and THC was detected, we could argue that CBD comes from the same plant and THC can show up on a test from someone who uses CBD.

If I took a test and no THC was detected, I could accuse her of harassment.


I could refuse to do a drug test and file a grievance.

After reviewing Kroger’s policy on drug testing, I decided to refuse and file a grievance. The policy says that if there’s “reasonable suspicion” of drug use, the store can test and refusal is an admission of guilt and that can lead to termination.

I refused to be tested because there was no reasonable suspicion. Rachel saw a Black woman (girl from her perspective, I’m sure) smoking an odorless cigarette and decided she smelled weed. I then explained what it was and she apologized and sent me back to work.


Also, i was eventually told by Zach on the phone before my shift that day that I’d have to get in a car with a manager and take the test off site. I’ll be damn. That’s too much traveling, I’m not getting in the car with a white stranger when they have an interest in covering their asses since (they had already admitted) I was falsely accused. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a chair across from a white woman stirring tea.

My grievance meeting was 2 paychecks later on January 9th. I was in a conference room with 5 white people. I just knew I was on my way to the sunken place. I brought my mother with me but they wouldn’t let her come to the meeting. You ever been the youngest (looking), Blackest person in a room?! I knew that nothing I said would matter. My job was as good as gone.

Rachel did not attend the meeting. I was told “she wasn’t in that day.” If Rachel was right, she would have put her big girl draws on and been there to defend her accusation. The meeting was scheduled on her day off. Convenient isn’t it?

Furthermore, on the paperwork that documented the accusation, her name wasn’t present and someone else signed it.

Rachel Muncie is a coward.


2 people from the union attended the meeting, 2 people from HR and Matt was either the only one brave enough to come or the scapegoat. Zach and Rachel punked out.

The meeting was more of the same. I was concentrating on not flipping the table over and telling everyone where to go and how to get there. Nevertheless, I told my side of the story as calmly as I could.

The union questioned Matt, asked if he smelled weed on me or if I was acting high. He didn’t because I wasn’t.

We discussed (for the first time) the type of test. Becky (not her real name, I THINK her name is Amy Tindall but she shows up in Part 2, so she’ll be Becky for now) from HR said they wanted a urine test and not saliva because saliva test results take 2 weeks. Nevermind the fact I’d already been off with no pay since before Christmas and it was January 9th. I expressed I was willing to do a mouth swab on site the day I was accused but between 3 managers nobody even knew the type of test.

Becky also tried to back me into a corner by getting me to say I failed to show up for work the next day. Not true. I was sent home the night before with the understanding that I’d be suspended if I didn’t take a drug test. Zach called me the next day well before my shift and told me I had to go take a drug test or I was suspended. I told him I was not willing to be tested and that I would not be coming in. Since, I refused to be tested there was no need for me to show up to work. I had also let my coworkers and direct manager know that I was suspended (and that the store was a mess) the night before so they’d have until my shift (2pm) to cover me.

Becky from HR said she’d make her decision in 14 days and I knew my grievance would be denied.


– she’s a white woman and probably had accused/questioned/called the cops on a Black or Brown person that day because that’s white women’s favorite pastime.

– she probably knows Rachel. The website lists Rachel’s position as Asst Store Manager/HR Manager. She could be Rachel’s manager or Rachel could be hers. She certainly would not rule against her if that was the case

– her and I went back and forth on “reasonable suspicion” and it was 2 seconds away from ugly before the union rep intervened

– I refused to shake her hand at the end of the meeting. I had missed 3 paychecks by then. Civil is out the window. You can’t falsely accuse someone, drag it out a month (with no pay) and then shake hands. Frankly, fuck your handshake. I have a short list of places you can put your handshake, Becky from HR.


In conclusion, there is no love lost between Kroger and I. While I enjoy being a Barista it was not my career and is not my calling. It was a part-time job to get out of the house after a very dark season. It has served it’s purpose. I’m actually making twice as much freelancing and working for myself.

So why am I speaking out?

I’m speaking out because I did not do anything wrong. I was using a safe, natural, legal remedy for my anxiety so that I could do my job. Ironically, the result of using this method ended up causing exponentially more anxiety.

I’m speaking out because my coworkers were put in a horrible position being one person short the week of Christmas.

I’m speaking out because I’m tired of white women’s fragile feelings being weaponized. This is the fourth white woman at this job that has questioned me, accused me or overstepped professional boundaries. The 4th white woman at this job alone.

I’m speaking out because keeping the peace ain’t peaceful for victims. I’m speaking out to make Rachel Muncie, Matt, Zach, Brian Riggs and Becky from HR as uncomfortable as they’ve made me. I have enough anxiety for everybody. I’m passing it around.

What’s the end goal? Do I want yall to boycott Kroger or march with signs in front of the store? No. Those are methods of a time past, the great people I worked with don’t deserve the trouble and (at the time I’m writing) its too damn cold outside. I’ve filed a case with the EEOC and will take legal action when and if it gets to that. Stay tuned for part 2.

I want people to be encouraged to stand up for themselves. I want white people to think twice the next time they question, accuse or harass someone instead of minding their own business. I want them to understand the potential weapon they have in the form of white privilege and to stop using it to fuck up Brown people’s livelihood and safety. I want white people to understand that (flawless) brown skin and an afro doesn’t equal criminal. I want white people to understand that Black and Brown people have the right to exist without their permission.

I want them to be afraid to have their first and last name (RACHEL MUNCIE) all over the internet. I don’t know how many Black or Brown people Rachel Muncie has accused out of a job. I want to be the last one.

This job was never how i made my living. But I do know for many Black and Brown people it is their livelihood and how they provide for their family. Rachel Muncie and other white women shouldn’t have the power to take that away because of their own ignorance and biases.

#Shoutouts to Travis at Union 227  for being the only one brave enough to go to bat for me and to my former coworkers. Love and miss you guys!

Finally, to Rachel Muncie manager at Kroger #768, how does it feel to be my footstool? It can’t feel good. My feet are huge.

Keep Pushin, yall.
In solidarity,
– Carrie
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White Mediocrity Always Wins.

I really enjoyed the Netflix series Trigger Warning with Killer Mike. I mostly enjoyed the side eyes his wife Shay gave him. I was taken aback however when Mike asked a little Black boy what he wanted to be and Mike shot his dreams down.

“I want to be a President.”
“You’re not gonna be able to be a President.”

Damn Mike! Was my first reaction but as I thought about it, he’s right. That beautiful little Black boy is going to be left out of some things academically, socially and professionally because he’s not white and mediocre.

At my senior dinner dance in highschool, we had a very cynical DJ. During his motivational speech nobody asked for, he yelled “YALL BOUT TO BE BROKE AND UNHAPPY!” to a room of soon to be highschool graduates. We laughed at him. 10 years later, I am him. At my family reunion, I told my once-removed cousins, “don’t go to college, its a trap. Stay in your momma’s house as long as you can.” They looked confused. It was like looking in the mirror. They’ll learn.

They will learn about white mediocrity.  Racism and white mediocrity had a baby and named it white supremacy. White supremacy is the lie on which these United States are built . For centuries white people have tried to convince us, but ultimately their damn selves that they are superior in many ways but especially intellectually.

White supremacy has worked so well because white people AND non-white people believe the lie. I know PLENTY of Black and Brown white supremacists. Some of them were at the family reunion I mentioned earlier. Coons. Uncle Rukus is not as far fetched as he seems.

Black exceptionalism often rubs elbows with white mediocrity.

For example, lets juxtapose the 44th POTUS with the 45th. Barack Obama had to be half white, have a Harvard education (him AND his wife), have all his kids with one woman, be an exceptional orator, extremely diplomatic, poised in the face of blatant racism and be a lamb without defect (I’m in Leviticus in my Bible Study).

The tangerine tyrant had to be rich and white. That’s it.

Not only that, because he’s a rich white male, he’s able to be intellectually mediocre, a habitual liar, a rapist, on his third wife/baby’s momma, have a spray tan, a horrible toupee, racist, sexist, and just an all around dick. He has NO redeeming qualities.

Barack Obama couldn’t wear a tan suit on Easter Sunday.  Mango Mussolini can do any fucking thing and a whole mediocre machine is around him to justify it. We had an exceptional Black man for President and now, we have the drunk uncle you don’t leave the kids around.

I no longer let that example of white mediocre get to me. Its the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. However, this latest example of white mediocrity kinda got under my skin.

This college admissions scandal threw me for a loop. How in hell are you rich, white AND still scamming? The odds are already in your favor! How dumb does your kid have to be for you to pay thousands, sometimes millions of dollars to get them into college?

Yall gotta lotta nerve calling the cops on Black college students. LOTS. We need to be calling the cops on yall. “Yes, I’d like to report mediocre whitness.”

White people will legacy their way into everything and then have the nerve to side eye, belittle and microaggressive first generation Black and Brown people who not only had to academically earn their seat at the table but do so while dealing with the mental and emotional burden of racism and at times poverty (and sexism and homophobia).

I’m reminded of the TA at UofL my freshman year who told me I was going to school “for free and that she actually had to pay to be here.” I almost typed out ‘bitch, first of all…’ in that email.

This latest example of white mediocrity momentarily got under my skin because of how hard I had to work to get to college (and then how traumatic college was). Since kindergarten I was THAT kid: over achieving, higher reading level, finished before everybody bored kid in class and I was proud of my academic accolades. Looking back though, it doesn’t seem worth it. I can’t achieve my way into whiteness and I’m certainly far from mediocre. Had I not been the poster child for Black exceptionalism, would my life be any different? That ‘hard work pays off’ cliche seems like bullshit now that I’m an adult. Being white pays off, not hard work.

White parents are not the only parents who work the system to get their children better opportunities. Black parents do as well, but with different results. Kelley Williams-Boar and LaTanya Williams, Black single mothers lied about their residency to get their children into better better/safer schools. They both received jail time, community service, and hefty fines for ‘stealing education’.

While Black parents are trying to keep their children safe and as a consequence being jailed for it, white parents are bribing “elite” colleges and paying officials to change ACT and SAT scores. Do you think Aunt Becky and them going to jail? I don’t. Not for more than a year or so anyway. After this blows over, a watered down version of this whole story will be packaged for a movie and all involved will receive full redemption in the court of public opinion. In a few years they’ll be sitting across from Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters and called ‘brave and relentless’ for working hard to get their mediocre children the best education possible while Black women sit in jail for doing the same thing on a smaller scale.

Not all hope is lost though. The scales are certainly not in balance but a few white mediocre scammers do seem to be seeing justice recently. Billy McFarland and Elizabeth Holmes are the poster children for the white millennial mediocre children I went to school with and are seeing some consequences while my Black exceptional ass is home watching on Hulu. I may not receive millions of dollars of investments for my crazy ideas (and I must admit, I’m a bit jealous) but I just keep telling myself that when my dreams are turned into reality I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing I didn’t have to scam my way to the top. That’s better than having money or white privilege any day.

To conclude this quarter-life crisis motivational speech, kids, keep achieving and over achieving with the knowledge that you are up against white mediocrity systematically and socially. You will feel excluded and frustrated and  have to look at someone less qualified sitting in your seat at the table. Build your own damn table and make them use coasters on it.  You’re the legacy of many people who had to build their own.

So, keep being exceptional sibs. “..the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.”

Keep Pushin

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Commentary on Demetra Nyx & Alyssa Milano: White People Don’t Have Enough Problems.

A few weeks ago, my mother and I were on our way home. It was 10pm and cold outside. A white woman was running down the street, presumably for exercise. Of course, we had the ‘white people are white-people-ing’ conversation. Why in hell, are you running in the dark and cold? You’re less than a mile away from a treadmill inside a well-lit gym, Karen.

During undergrad, I remember sitting in a meeting of a certain organization listening to a white woman proclaim how much she enjoyed her period. I thought to myself, hoping it didn’t show on my face, “you’re outta your white ass mind.” 

White people don’t have enough to do.
White people don’t enough problems. As a result, they tend to create dangerous situations and faux-oppression for themselves.

From climbing a mountain with no harness, to bungee jumping, surfing, hang gliding, to running outside in the dark and then crying on 20/20, white people obviously have an adrenaline deficiency they’re trying to fulfill. None of the above activities seem reasonable or fun to my Black ass. My experience is different though. I have no shortage of adrenaline. I know this whole thing could end any time if for no other reason I’m at the intersection of Black, Woman and Queer. I look at every cop with the knowledge he could kill me and get away with it. I look at every white woman wondering if she’s going to call the police on me for exhaling too loud. I have no shortage of fear and problems.

Since the tangerine tyrant won the Presidential election over HRC, social justice is now mainstream. It’s laughable to me as social justice has been at the forefront of my mind since The Jena 6. Activism is my goal and calling. I’m tired of seeing people hopping on the bandwagon for 15 minutes.
White people WANT to be oppressed so bad. I do not label myself a feminist in part because at its inception white women were just trying to make sure Black men didn’t have more rights than them. There were no Black women at Seneca Falls. White women remind me every election that feminism is not mine when they put their ‘I voted’ stickers on Susan B. Anthony’s grave. Fuck Susan B. Anthony.


At the time I’m writing this, I’m 2 months into a Facebook hiatus (for my mental health, weight loss goals and my dislike of people). I peak at Twitter every now and again. But after these posts, I’m considering going back to being blissfully unplugged. The two people in particular facilitating my complete exit from digital civilization are Demetra Nyx and Alyssa Milano.

Let’s talk about Demetra first to get it out of the way cause I’m grossed out. An article entitled ‘Feminist Smears Menstrual Blood on Her Face to Show Periods are Beautiful and Powerful’ scurried across my timeline. Demetra is a 26-year-old Los Angeles sex coach who said, “Sharing pictures of blood on my face and body was just an impulse – I was creating a series to help women connect with their menstrual cycle, and I thought it would be fun.”

Cut the shit, Demetra. Our periods are not fun or beautiful.

As someone with a period, I’m fully ‘connected’ to this 28-ish day cycle. Physically, mentally and emotionally for nearly two decades, I know exactly when and what’s going on concerning my cycle. There is no more intense connection then cramps, bleeding, an irrational chocolate craving, acne, fatigue and a hurricane of a mood. I deserve some type of monthly award for managing to not get pregnant every month instead of this shit.

I realize that not everybody’s period is as bad as mine but I think we do ourselves a disservice when we try to make this cycle something its not. Frankly, it sucks for a lot of women. It is not fun, it is anything but beautiful. We don’t frolic in Lilly fields wearing white pants giving thanks that we get to bleed for a week.

The 20 year old me felt very alienated sitting in that circle of white woman gushing over having a period. The (almost) 30 year old me is not going to fake the funk anymore. My period is not fun. It sucks. I do not have to enjoy everything. Somethings in life are bad. I will not want to share everything on Instagram and that’s OK.
We also need to address that ‘free bleeding’ (a hoax) , rubbing your Menstrual blood on your body and using it for paint is disgusting, unsanitary and blood STINKS when it hits the air. I’m no expert, but its leaving our bodies for a reason. It is a natural process, yes. Our bodies have many ways to eject what is no longer needed. That is no excuse to rub the results on your face. If we aren’t going to use tampons/cups/pads, what use do we have for band-aids and toilets? Why bathe at all?! Its all natural, ain’t it?
There IS a conversation that needs to be had around menstruation.

The second white woman we’re going to discuss is Alyssa Milano. This morning, I saw this tweet:

Gtfoh. You’re Alyssa fucking Milano. You are a rich, cishet white woman. 
I would be lying if I said I was surprised by Alyssa’s latest antics. Two years ago my auntie-in-my-mind Hannah Drake told Milano to stop her performative justice. It seems she still hasn’t learned.

Oppression and identities are not a trendy T-shirt, pink hat or, God forbid blood to put on when it’s convenient. The very fact that your brand of oppression can be taken off, proves that it is not oppression at all. We do not have the option or convenience of taking our identities off. This intersection of identities is not one that we can get on a plane, train or automobile to take a vacation from. Believe me, we would if we could.

In this social justice production, your role as a person of with a certain amount of privilege: a white person in this case is an important one. Justice does not happen without advocates. The progress we have made would not be possible without allies. There are people who will NEVER listen to someone like me. Those same people will definitely listen to the Alyssas and Demetras of the world if for no other reason for the fact that they are pretty white women. Unfortunately, more often than not, those people are the very ones with the power to change. I am not holding my breath waiting on Alyssa or Demetra to be allies or advocates though. Their actions have told me what their true goal is.

When Alyssa Milano claims identities that are not her own, when Demtra Nyx… gosh I can’t even say it… uses her menstrual blood as paint, they are doing NOTHING but centering themselves. They are not being revolutionary. They are not cultivating progressive conversations. They are not leading a movement. All they are doing is fighting battles that are only real in their mind and frankly stressing me the fuck out.

I’m offended and baffled by fake outrage and fabricated oppression in a world where there is plenty oppression and a myraid of REAL reasons to be outraged. I’m worried that Demetra’s antics will take attention off of the student whose male-teacher won’t let her go to the bathroom when she starts bleeding, or the inmate or homeless person that has to put their health in jeopardy by using toilet paper as make-shift tampons.

I’m worried that Alyssa Milano claiming she’s ‘trans’ will distract from the fact that transwomen of color have a life expectancy of 35, that when she says she’s a ‘person of color’ she’s taking attention from the fact that the cops who murdered Stephon Clark won’t even be charged.
Social justice is real. The fight is an uphill battle. We do not need the distractions. Alyssa and Demetra, get out of the way. Wipe your face off and rest those twitter fingers. You look silly.

And while your practicing your hush, here’s a Guide to Allyship.

Keep Pushin’



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I was only going to see Madea because Tyler Perry is Black.

I love movies. I love going to the movies. My senior year of high school, my friends and I would skip and watch movies all afternoon. Looking back, I should’ve avoided all this student loan debt and became a movie critic. I haven’t ruled it out.

As a card carrying member of the community, my favorite movie genre is Black. In the immortal words of Issa Rae, “I’m rooting for everybody Black.” I feel an obligation to support Black movies regardless. Recently I’ve found myself having the conversation with myself that Dre is having with his kids in this clip because I’ve realized going to see Black movies means I’ll either be traumatized or disappointed. (I REALLY want to see Captain Marvel this weekend. Samuel L. Jackson no longer counts though, he got that white dollar down.)

For example, when I finally mustered up the courage to watch Detroit, I had to pause the movie for a full blown panic attack. I was inconsolable during Fruitvale Station (even though I knew the story).  I was PISSED when I left the theater after Birth of a Nation. I cried in the car after 42 (I was also going through a break up, don’t judge me) and I completely lost it at the end of Hidden Figures. I am not one to display emotion easily. These movies were huge triggers. I’m WEARY.

I’m exhausted by Black movies.

My mom is my movie partner. She’s been recovering from surgery and we hadn’t been in a few months. Last week, we got started again with What Men Want. I liked it. Erykah Badu’s character was HILARIOUS.

Here’s the thing. The movies my mom is going to see are limited. She likes lite, fluffy movies. She won’t go see slasher/horror films. This weekend, I want to see Happy Death Day 2U and Greta. I’ve been wanting to see Prodigy but those are out of the question if I want my mom to go and my local friends are very limited. I don’t mind going alone sometimes. I went to see Cold Pursuit alone. I liked that one too. I know we mad at Liam, but I’m a sucker for a kill everybody movie.

Anyway, tasked with choosing a movie we’ll both go see, I ask her if she wants to go see A Madea Family Funeral. She side eyed me! Her only daughter! Looked at me like I was crazy!

“No, I’m not spending my money on anymore Madea movies. Only way I’m going to see that movie is if Tyler Perry buys my ticket…. and picks me up.”


I laughed for a whole 60 seconds. But I aint gonna lie. I was relieved.

I do not want to go see A Madea Family Funeral. I had only planned on it because Tyler Perry is Black and he’s the star, supporting characters, producer, and director of the movie.

(We should probably consider the fact he’s a bit narcissistic and that keeps him from making quality movies because he won’t hire good actors or a director but I digress.)

Madea movies are not good. Madea movies are bad. There I said it.


From the plot, to the dialogue. Madea movies leave a lot to be desired. But the quality of Madea movies aren’t the only problem. The characters are cringeworthy, especially in the company of white people.

My Blackness won’t allow me to laugh at Madea WITH white people. White people love Madea because she’s exactly who they think Black and Brown women are; big, obnoxious, violent, unattractive, temperamental and funny. Tyler Perry’s characters are the kind of Black people white people aren’t threatened by. That’s why they flock to his movies and not other Black movies. White people didn’t go see The Hate U Give and Moonlight (also cried during that one). They were tricked into seeing Get Out. White people didn’t go see ‘Black’ movies before Madea.

Even in Perry’s movies without Madea (Why Did I Get Married,The Family That Preys), he almost NEVER portrays Black women positively. Tyler loves putting damaged, bitter, psycho, insecure, ignorant Black women in his movies. I really think this nigga hates us sometimes.

Furthermore, I’m tired of homophobic nig… Black people being the first in line to see a man put on a dress for entertainment. Is “manhood under attack” or isn’t it? Is the “gay agenda” and the “feminization of Black men a threat to the Black family” or do we love Madea? You can’t have it both ways.

Billy Porter, Oscars 2019 Red Carpet

We cannot clutch our pearls at an openly gay man in a dress on the Oscar’s red carpet and then turn around and keep supporting “straight” men who make a caricature out of Black women. You’re not threatened by feminine men, you’re threatened by someone being comfortable in their sexuality.

Y’all are comfortable with Madea because you’ve fooled yourselves into thinking Tyler Perry is straight (ha!) and because Madea movies have Christian themes.
Let me say this out loud, cause yall ain’t gonna accuse me of anything… I don’t for one second think there’s ANY gay agenda or that the government makes Black men put on dresses to destroy families. Heterosexual people don’t need ANY help destroying the Black family. Y’all are doing a great job. (Like when y’all humiliate your children for Instagram likes and Facebook comments). I’m just pointing out your hypocrisy. Tyler Perry and Billy Porter are the LEAST of yall’s problem.

Anyway, I’ve long reconciled that the personal is always political and even when I just want to be entertained, I’m burdened with my conscious. My awareness won’t let me watch a bad, problematic movie with white people and homophobic Black ones. I try not to be too woke to have fun, but it happens. Not to mention that until I monetize it, movie going is not cheap.

So, I’m not going to see Madea this weekend because I don’t want to… and I’m STILL Black af.

Follow me on snapchat, twitter and instagram at @CarrieKeepPushn!
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My Heart is Beating Too Fast Because Nobody Cares About Black Women

My heart rate has consistently been on the fast end of normal so my doctor sent me to the cardiologist. The cardiologist checked out my EKG and told me nothing is wrong with my heart, I just need to address my anxiety.

I knew this.

Both my primary doctor and cardiologist are white women so I didn’t feel that explaining to them my heart is beating too rapidly because of how the society I live in treats Black/Woman/Queer bodies would be fruitful. They wouldn’t get it. Maybe I should’ve given them a chance, but with this heart, I can’t afford to give out too many of those.

For nearly 30 years, I’ve been living in a society that not only doesn’t protect me, but will justify why I deserved whatever happens to me. If someone grabs my collar at work, my attitude is bad, if I’m a victim of sexual abuse as a teen, I’m ‘too fast’. 

There is no question social media has turned a mirror on us. Korryn Gaines was one of the first times I realized that we (Black people) weren’t willing to rally around Black-woman victims of police brutality like we are for Black men. The silence and shrugs around Marissa Alexander, Sandra Bland, R. Kelly’s victims and countless Black-woman/girl-victims is telling. The silence is loud. 

Why is my heart beating so fast? 
America doesn’t care about women.
America doesn’t care about Black people.
America doesn’t care about Black women. 
Not enough Black people don’t care about Black women.

As Black women, we’ve rallied around Black men, white women (and everyone in between) without question because we know exactly what it feels like to have NOBODY advocate for you. We’ve done the work because we know that nobody else. We stood up for Stephon Clark despite his misogyny because regardless of the victim’s transgressions, murdering someone because of their race is wrong. The question now is, who is going to have the courage to stand up for us? 

I think I’ve found peace (as much as I can) with the fact white people dgaf about us, but my own people? I’m never going to be able to tolerate it. Judging by my Facebook feed, my heart rate is not going back to normal any time soon. I long for a time before social media, where I had no insight into people’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Ignorance truly is bliss.

The documentary #SurvivingRKelly came on last night. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch it with everybody. It was the worst day of my period, I had a sinus headache and seasonal depression was winning. Besides, that documentary wasn’t going to tell us anything about R. Kelly we don’t already know. He is a serial rapist. He is a pedophile. R. Kelly is a sick son of a bitch. But, his music sounds good and his victims are Black girls so we aren’t going to do anything about it.

My friends in the group chat were talking about it, I would just experience it vicariously until I was ready to watch for myself. I was NOT ready for the storm on social media. I had fallen asleep last night and completely forgot about the documentary. I just wasn’t thinking about it this morning.


Then I signed on Facebook and my heart rate sped up. 

Here we are in 2019 and niggas are still playing logic olympics, to justify R. Kelly (and his enablers) decades of abuse. There is just no music good enough to support somebody who has for YEARS sexually abused and manipulated and paid off multiple Black girls and women.

The problem is men can never be accountable, only victims; and girls can never be victims, only accountable. No child should be ‘too grown’ or ‘too fast’ for an adult not to be able to shut it down. I’m closer to 30 than 20. There have been occasions throughout my 20s, I had teenagers (boys AND girls) pushing up on me, I shut it down because I am an adult. R. Kelly and adults like him are not and cannot be victims of children. They are the ones seeking them out. 

Furthermore, lets shut down the legal argument. Sure, he’s never been convicted, but neither was George Zimmerman, but he’s still guilty right? What if Black women kept that ‘never convicted, we don’t know what really happened’ energy the next time a Black man becomes a hashtag? Maybe you all would begin to understand the fear and hopelessness that comes with watching an R. Kelly fan dig their heels into the ground defending rape. 

I was so angry this morning, I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and was told ‘talk about it’. We cannot solve what we do not address. So many Black girls were victimized by R.Kelly because of cowards who would not say anything. So, I’m saying something. I’m sharing what yall are saying and I’m not blocking out names. If you are bold enough to defend it, I’m bold enough to show it. 

I decided to collect screenshots of the all the comments/posts from people in my network justifying and victim blaming abuse and rape of Black girls. I posted a status letting people know that I would be collecting, and people started sharing screen shots they saw as well. Feel free to contribute your own. I’m going to post a collection on my page as well.

If it is exposed, we cannot ignore it and maybe then we’ll rally around the victims like they deserve. 

I just hope my heart beat will slow down, eventually.

Keep Pushin.

– Carrie

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A Comprehensive List of What I’m Not Discussing in 2019

Happy New Year, friends! First of all, thank you so much for your support. I’m starting a weight loss vlog situation, so follow @carriekeeppushn on instagram, twitter and snapchat for all the fun! Lets get to it!

This year whenever social media would stress me, my mom would say something along the lines of, “there are many things in life you HAVE to do that stress you. This isn’t one of them.” She would always encourage me to simply disconnect with the people that upset me. Unfriend, unfollow, block, whatever.

I’ve made unfriending and unfollowing a habit in the latter part of this year, and it is always a relief reminding myself that I don’t have to do this.

I quickly realized that it wasn’t just people that were the issues, certain conversations were too. So, I started this list formerly known as ‘What I’m not arguing about on Facebook Anymore’ to ‘What I’m not discussing in 2019’ as they cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. This is my final (public) word on these issues.

Vaccination: I don’t even like healthy children. I REALLY don’t like sick ones. This issue doesn’t need any more of my energy because I don’t have children. When I do have children, they will be vaccinated and if you or your children are not vaccinated you can’t come to my house and see my newborn. If you haven’t been to medical school, I’m not taking medical advice from thee.

Your Pastor/My Pastor: It just gets too ugly too quickly. Pastors are off limits. We can talk about other people’s pastors though.

Child Support: This conversation is too personal to me, as I’m the child of a mother who received very little financial support from my father. Hearing anyone complain about having to pay child support, twist logic into why its too much or they shouldn’t have to pisses me off as I’m still waiting on my father to be a parent (and will be turning 30 in 2019). I HATE debates about how much celebrities should have to pay because why the hell wouldn’t you want your kids and the person taking care of them to have as comfortable as a lifestyle as you?!

Two conversations in particular that sparked this were a woman helping her fiance get out of paying child support to his baby’s mommas (I can’t find it) and Matt Barnes and Rob Kardashian. I’m pretty sure I lost friends from both conversations. Also, posts like this one.

Wear condoms. Get to know somebody before you have a baby with them.

R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, etc… Basically any Black man who has raped and abused women that yall defend because you like their music/movies/TV show/athleticism. Heathcliff Huxtable does not exist. He is not your father. R. Kelly cannot make music good enough to justify raping dozens of Black girls and women. There is no music good enough. This upsets me as a victim, as a Black woman and a person who loves many Black girls and women. I just wish it would upset you too. No conversation makes me feel more hopeless, fearful and alone.

“People always trying to tear down the Black man!” Bill Cosby wasn’t going to by NBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, or DEF, or GHI. That’s not how networks work and IF he was going to make a purchase, some white person or group of white people with more money would’ve bought it first.

Why you can’t call me a ‘female’ or use the N word (white people): because I said so. Any other conversation is a disregard for my feelings and you aren’t worth the time a conversation will take anyway.

Birth Control/Abortion: I’m pro-choice and pro-mindyabusiness. Women should have access to abortions, birth control and hysterectomies without the approval of any man that may or may not be in their life. They should also have access to free birth control, pap smears/testing, mammograms, a year for maternity leave and paid time off during the worst 2 days of menstruation. Fight me.

Christmas, Halloween, Easter: I’m not arguing with Christians who think they’ll get a better seat in Heaven for not celebrating the aforementioned holidays and for telling us why those of us who choose to shouldn’t EVERY DAMN YEAR as if they are presenting new information or have some special access to the Holy Ghost the rest of us don’t have.

Breast Feeding: Again, it doesn’t need my energy because I don’t have children. Put a blanket over YOUR head if breasts disgust you, but also close that porn hub link with breasts in it before you argue why breasts are inappropriate. I’ll probably breast feed publicly (depending on the opinion of my partner) because people typically know better than to try me.

Gender Reveal Parties: If you want to have a party celebrating your unborn child’s penis or vagina, by all means. I think they are narcissistic and unecessary. You don’t know anyone’s gender until they tell you. Yall real concerned about the ‘gay agenda’ and your children. Gender reveal parties are the ‘straight agenda’. LOL

Transgender People: If I have to convince you why any group of people are human and worthy of respect and protection you, again aren’t worth the time a conversation would take. If you are speculating about someone’s genitals, you probably haven’t even washed your own today. The life expectancy of trans women of color is 35. THIRTY FIVE. Your antagonistic language contributes to their deaths. This isn’t something I’m willing to joke about or hear ‘its not that serious.’ because IT IS THAT SERIOUS. There are transgender people in my life that I love and will protect at all costs. Use the correct pronouns, do not use the wrong pronouns to insult. Do not catch these hands.

Sex Workers: I saw a meme that said ‘Is she a prostitute or a provider?’ Does what she eat make you shit, nigga?

You’re just mad they’re getting paid to do what you give away. They are no less worthy of respect because of their profession. The industry needs to be regulated and protected. If two consensual adults want to engage in a business transaction, they should be able to. You like sex don’t you? You watch porn? You should support sex work.

Mediocrity in Romantic Relationships:
“Should you fix your man’s plate?”
“Who eats first, your husband or your children?”
“If he pays for dinner, do you leave the tip?”
“Is sitting in the park eating sour patch straws a date?”

These are questions broke, mediocre, dumbass, men pose looking for Pick-me Penelopes who think having a penis (that probably can’t give a woman an orgasm) entitles them to being treated like a ‘KANG’.

Translation to all these questions: Since you’re a Black woman, you’ll take the bare minimum, right?

And yes, I know.. ‘not all men’ an ‘choose better men’. I know.

This concludes the list. I’ve had these conversations, these arguments, the ANXIETY. I’ve used all the energy I’m going to use on people who don’t have the maturity to disagree without it getting personal, with people not as informed as I am and with nignogs who insist on gaslighting and being loud and wrong.

I’ve been purging items all day. I’ve purged these discussions. I feel so much better. I feel refreshed and motivated. I got goals, nigga.

Nothing magical is going to happen at midnight. You will be the same person you were at December 1st, 11:59pm as you are January 1st, 12:00am. It is up to you to decide that you’re going to make a change, that you’re tired, that you’re fed the fuck up.

Please follow my weight-loss journey at @CarrieKeepPushn and look out for updates right here.

Thank you so much for your support. Like, comment, and share! What are you leaving in 2018? What are you taking with you to 2019?

Keep Pushin!
– Carrie

2018 and 28

I’m a December baby, so a new year in life and a new calendar year parallel. I be thinking about life and shit this time of year. Here are reflections from my 28th year and the year of our Lord 2018.

People will leave just so you’ll chase them. In my personal and professional life, I’ve experienced how people who aren’t chased and expect to be act. It is telling and unbecoming. A co-worker at my part time job left to no objection (actually most of us were glad) and lashed out via text message at 7am. A romantic interest rejected me and I moved on the next day. People who want to be chased and aren’t will turn around and do the chasing. In both situations I was blindsided and acted with anger. I’m not sorry.

Most relationships are only for a season. It is not summertime year ’round, not where I live anyway. It is important to cherish and be present (mentally and emotionally) during the good times with friends and lovers because most of it will not last. Many relationships are the result of similar life circumstances. Whether it be age/maturity, job, a common interest or marital status, it will change and so will your relationships and the dynamics there in. I had to learn to except the change (and end) in some friendship this year. Its a process. Its hard. Sometimes I FEEL like I don’t have any friends. I KNOW that is far from the truth though.

There may not be closure. Be honest, you ain’t going back for closure. You going back because of your hope this isn’t the close. The closure may be that the door is closed. I lost a friend one of my best friends couple of years ago. I stopped talking to my biological father around the same time. I find myself wanting “closure” or wanting to know what it is about me that made them not want me so I can fix it. However, my mental health won’t allow me to have a conversation with either of them currently. I’d probably scratch their eyes out LOL… and what others think of me is none of my business.

You must set clear boundaries. You can’t touch my hair without permission. You can’t expect me to answer my phone. I don’t like talking on the phone. You cannot expect access to me 24/7. You cannot insist on a hug if I offer just my hand. There are a short list of names you can’t call me. You need to greet me before you ask for something and you must use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I’m done bending and shrinking so I won’t offend someone. My feelings are just as valid. They are also my responsibility and mine alone.

Rest and fun must be intentional. I have a specific work schedule, my own business and many other projects. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything. I am learning to rest and not worry. I took a vacation in July. It almost changed my life. It is necessary to rest and have fun in order to be the best you during work. As a people, we tend to glorify struggle and stress. I’m rejecting that in 2019. I’m not content with or proud of struggle.

You are on your own schedule. I’ll be 30 next year. I’m fighting the pressure I feel to have it all together, to be ‘on my own’, to start a family. I believe a lot of times we do what we think we’re supposed to do and not what we want. We also fall victim to comparison. We compare ourselves to who we think has it together without considering what it took to get there or what is going on behind the scenes. I constantly have to remind myself that I got time.

Thus are my reflections, those I can share anyway. What did you learn in 2018? What are you leaving here? What are you taking with you into 2019?

Thank you so much for rocking with me thus far. I’m a part of some amazing projects in 2019. Stay tuned!

– Carrie

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“Mouthy Female”

I’ve always been bold. I have moments where I look back and think “I can’t believe I just said that.” More often my thoughtful moments are “Why won’t anybody say anything?” A good friend of mine tells me I have “no filter.” I think he may be right. For me, the need for the truth to be put out there always outweighs the need to keep the peace. Peace is overrated. 

For the sake of my own mental health, I’ve made a conscious effort to stay out of controversy on Facebook. I’ve challenged myself to use that ‘backspace’ on my keyboard and keep on scrolling. I’ve ended arguments with “Be blessed!” and I’ve unfriended and blocked some people. I’ve prayed for people instead of writing a think piece in the ‘reply’. I can’t save everybody. Jesus saved half the people on Calvary, Harriet left plenty of slaves on the plantation. Everybody ain’t going to Canaan. Some will be left behind. 

I think I backslid Wednesday though. There’s one Facebook friend I’ve decided to keep around (against my better judgement). I don’t want to delete everyone I disagree with. One, I’d have no friends and two, I must become mature enough to disagree with people and not ruin the friendship right?

He’s a Black man in his 60s and expresses the vilest opinions on women. He’s one of them ‘lady vs. ho’ niggas. He defended Brett Kavanaugh like he was getting paid. He said Stacey Abrams wasn’t ready. I keep telling him he can use a lot less words to say ‘I hate women, especially Black women.” 

I know I’m supposed to ‘respect my elders’. He’s the same age as my parents. But I believe at times we use that as an excuse to just let old people say anything to us just because they managed not to die yet. At some point, I’m a grown ass woman and adult to adult, you really don’t want this smoke. 

His sentiments on Stacey Abrams, my fierce opposition and his response is what led to this comment.

“Mouthy Females” sent me. I hollered. That’s what hit dogs do after all.

I HATE being called a female. I hate that people use ‘female’ to describe women. Female is an adjective, not a noun. I am female. I’m not a female. I’m a woman. “Female what? Lizard?” is what I always say. Female is the new ‘bitch’. After you call me a female, I’m done listening. But what good would it have been using my energy telling ‘Shady Pines’ why he shouldn’t call me a female? One, I know a few 60+ year old Black people. They ain’t changing. Two, I knew my Facebook friends would let him have it. 

“MOUTHY FEMALES? REALLY.?!” was the theme of the responses. It was too funny to offend me though. So to calm down my friends (who I so appreciate for defending me) I jokingly commented. “I’m putting ‘mouthy female’ on a shirt. That’s golden.” I was joking. I was jussplayin. But then I kept getting messages asking to buy one.

Here’s where I tell you to like HunnyChile, my (and my mother’s) T-Shirt company on Facebook and visit our website.

I designed a ‘Mouthy Female’ shirt as a reclamation. It was meant to be derogatory, meant to hurt my feelings. But like “Nasty Woman”, like the N word. I’m taking it back.

I wouldn’t be described as ‘mouthy’ if I was a man. In the past I have tried not to be mouthy because I was afraid of what men would think of me. I had to stop auditioning to be the wife of every man I came across. I have to speak up for what is right. I have to tell men why they were wrong or to keep their hands to themselves because no one else would. I had to be mouthy.

I have to be a ‘mouthy female’ for some shy little girl who needs to know that it is OK and necessary that she speak up. 

I was a shy little girl. My mom, aunts, Stacey Abrams, Maxine Waters, April Ryan and countless other women were/are those ‘mouthy females’ for me. In times such as these, it is necessary for females, women, femmes to be Mouthy.

If you want one and to support your favorite mouthy female, order a “Mouthy Female” shirt in white or black, while supplies last. Most importantly, keep being mouthy!

– Carrie 

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