My Heart is Beating Too Fast Because Nobody Cares About Black Women

My heart rate has consistently been on the fast end of normal so my doctor sent me to the cardiologist. The cardiologist checked out my EKG and told me nothing is wrong with my heart, I just need to address my anxiety.

I knew this.

Both my primary doctor and cardiologist are white women so I didn’t feel that explaining to them my heart is beating too rapidly because of how the society I live in treats Black/Woman/Queer bodies would be fruitful. They wouldn’t get it. Maybe I should’ve given them a chance, but with this heart, I can’t afford to give out too many of those.

For nearly 30 years, I’ve been living in a society that not only doesn’t protect me, but will justify why I deserved whatever happens to me. If someone grabs my collar at work, my attitude is bad, if I’m a victim of sexual abuse as a teen, I’m ‘too fast’. 

There is no question social media has turned a mirror on us. Korryn Gaines was one of the first times I realized that we (Black people) weren’t willing to rally around Black-woman victims of police brutality like we are for Black men. The silence and shrugs around Marissa Alexander, Sandra Bland, R. Kelly’s victims and countless Black-woman/girl-victims is telling. The silence is loud. 

Why is my heart beating so fast? 
America doesn’t care about women.
America doesn’t care about Black people.
America doesn’t care about Black women. 
Not enough Black people don’t care about Black women.


As Black women, we’ve rallied around Black men, white women (and everyone in between) without question because we know exactly what it feels like to have NOBODY advocate for you. We’ve done the work because we know that nobody else. We stood up for Stephon Clark despite his misogyny because regardless of the victim’s transgressions, murdering someone because of their race is wrong. The question now is, who is going to have the courage to stand up for us? 

I think I’ve found peace (as much as I can) with the fact white people dgaf about us, but my own people? I’m never going to be able to tolerate it. Judging by my Facebook feed, my heart rate is not going back to normal any time soon. I long for a time before social media, where I had no insight into people’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Ignorance truly is bliss.

The documentary #SurvivingRKelly came on last night. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch it with everybody. It was the worst day of my period, I had a sinus headache and seasonal depression was winning. Besides, that documentary wasn’t going to tell us anything about R. Kelly we don’t already know. He is a serial rapist. He is a pedophile. R. Kelly is a sick son of a bitch. But, his music sounds good and his victims are Black girls so we aren’t going to do anything about it.

My friends in the group chat were talking about it, I would just experience it vicariously until I was ready to watch for myself. I was NOT ready for the storm on social media. I had fallen asleep last night and completely forgot about the documentary. I just wasn’t thinking about it this morning.

 

Then I signed on Facebook and my heart rate sped up. 

Here we are in 2019 and niggas are still playing logic olympics, to justify R. Kelly (and his enablers) decades of abuse. There is just no music good enough to support somebody who has for YEARS sexually abused and manipulated and paid off multiple Black girls and women.

The problem is men can never be accountable, only victims; and girls can never be victims, only accountable. No child should be ‘too grown’ or ‘too fast’ for an adult not to be able to shut it down. I’m closer to 30 than 20. There have been occasions throughout my 20s, I had teenagers (boys AND girls) pushing up on me, I shut it down because I am an adult. R. Kelly and adults like him are not and cannot be victims of children. They are the ones seeking them out. 

Furthermore, lets shut down the legal argument. Sure, he’s never been convicted, but neither was George Zimmerman, but he’s still guilty right? What if Black women kept that ‘never convicted, we don’t know what really happened’ energy the next time a Black man becomes a hashtag? Maybe you all would begin to understand the fear and hopelessness that comes with watching an R. Kelly fan dig their heels into the ground defending rape. 


I was so angry this morning, I didn’t know what to do. I prayed and was told ‘talk about it’. We cannot solve what we do not address. So many Black girls were victimized by R.Kelly because of cowards who would not say anything. So, I’m saying something. I’m sharing what yall are saying and I’m not blocking out names. If you are bold enough to defend it, I’m bold enough to show it. 


I decided to collect screenshots of the all the comments/posts from people in my network justifying and victim blaming abuse and rape of Black girls. I posted a status letting people know that I would be collecting, and people started sharing screen shots they saw as well. Feel free to contribute your own. I’m going to post a collection on my page as well.

If it is exposed, we cannot ignore it and maybe then we’ll rally around the victims like they deserve. 

I just hope my heart beat will slow down, eventually.

Keep Pushin.

– Carrie

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A Comprehensive List of What I’m Not Discussing in 2019

Happy New Year, friends! First of all, thank you so much for your support. I’m starting a weight loss vlog situation, so follow @carriekeeppushn on instagram, twitter and snapchat for all the fun! Lets get to it!

This year whenever social media would stress me, my mom would say something along the lines of, “there are many things in life you HAVE to do that stress you. This isn’t one of them.” She would always encourage me to simply disconnect with the people that upset me. Unfriend, unfollow, block, whatever.

I’ve made unfriending and unfollowing a habit in the latter part of this year, and it is always a relief reminding myself that I don’t have to do this.

I quickly realized that it wasn’t just people that were the issues, certain conversations were too. So, I started this list formerly known as ‘What I’m not arguing about on Facebook Anymore’ to ‘What I’m not discussing in 2019’ as they cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. This is my final (public) word on these issues.

Vaccination: I don’t even like healthy children. I REALLY don’t like sick ones. This issue doesn’t need any more of my energy because I don’t have children. When I do have children, they will be vaccinated and if you or your children are not vaccinated you can’t come to my house and see my newborn. If you haven’t been to medical school, I’m not taking medical advice from thee.

Your Pastor/My Pastor: It just gets too ugly too quickly. Pastors are off limits. We can talk about other people’s pastors though.

Child Support: This conversation is too personal to me, as I’m the child of a mother who received very little financial support from my father. Hearing anyone complain about having to pay child support, twist logic into why its too much or they shouldn’t have to pisses me off as I’m still waiting on my father to be a parent (and will be turning 30 in 2019). I HATE debates about how much celebrities should have to pay because why the hell wouldn’t you want your kids and the person taking care of them to have as comfortable as a lifestyle as you?!

Two conversations in particular that sparked this were a woman helping her fiance get out of paying child support to his baby’s mommas (I can’t find it) and Matt Barnes and Rob Kardashian. I’m pretty sure I lost friends from both conversations. Also, posts like this one.

Wear condoms. Get to know somebody before you have a baby with them.

R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, etc… Basically any Black man who has raped and abused women that yall defend because you like their music/movies/TV show/athleticism. Heathcliff Huxtable does not exist. He is not your father. R. Kelly cannot make music good enough to justify raping dozens of Black girls and women. There is no music good enough. This upsets me as a victim, as a Black woman and a person who loves many Black girls and women. I just wish it would upset you too. No conversation makes me feel more hopeless, fearful and alone.

“People always trying to tear down the Black man!” Bill Cosby wasn’t going to by NBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, or DEF, or GHI. That’s not how networks work and IF he was going to make a purchase, some white person or group of white people with more money would’ve bought it first.

Why you can’t call me a ‘female’ or use the N word (white people): because I said so. Any other conversation is a disregard for my feelings and you aren’t worth the time a conversation will take anyway.

Birth Control/Abortion: I’m pro-choice and pro-mindyabusiness. Women should have access to abortions, birth control and hysterectomies without the approval of any man that may or may not be in their life. They should also have access to free birth control, pap smears/testing, mammograms, a year for maternity leave and paid time off during the worst 2 days of menstruation. Fight me.

Christmas, Halloween, Easter: I’m not arguing with Christians who think they’ll get a better seat in Heaven for not celebrating the aforementioned holidays and for telling us why those of us who choose to shouldn’t EVERY DAMN YEAR as if they are presenting new information or have some special access to the Holy Ghost the rest of us don’t have.

Breast Feeding: Again, it doesn’t need my energy because I don’t have children. Put a blanket over YOUR head if breasts disgust you, but also close that porn hub link with breasts in it before you argue why breasts are inappropriate. I’ll probably breast feed publicly (depending on the opinion of my partner) because people typically know better than to try me.

Gender Reveal Parties: If you want to have a party celebrating your unborn child’s penis or vagina, by all means. I think they are narcissistic and unecessary. You don’t know anyone’s gender until they tell you. Yall real concerned about the ‘gay agenda’ and your children. Gender reveal parties are the ‘straight agenda’. LOL

Transgender People: If I have to convince you why any group of people are human and worthy of respect and protection you, again aren’t worth the time a conversation would take. If you are speculating about someone’s genitals, you probably haven’t even washed your own today. The life expectancy of trans women of color is 35. THIRTY FIVE. Your antagonistic language contributes to their deaths. This isn’t something I’m willing to joke about or hear ‘its not that serious.’ because IT IS THAT SERIOUS. There are transgender people in my life that I love and will protect at all costs. Use the correct pronouns, do not use the wrong pronouns to insult. Do not catch these hands.

Sex Workers: I saw a meme that said ‘Is she a prostitute or a provider?’ Does what she eat make you shit, nigga?

You’re just mad they’re getting paid to do what you give away. They are no less worthy of respect because of their profession. The industry needs to be regulated and protected. If two consensual adults want to engage in a business transaction, they should be able to. You like sex don’t you? You watch porn? You should support sex work.


Mediocrity in Romantic Relationships:
“Should you fix your man’s plate?”
“Who eats first, your husband or your children?”
“If he pays for dinner, do you leave the tip?”
“Is sitting in the park eating sour patch straws a date?”

These are questions broke, mediocre, dumbass, men pose looking for Pick-me Penelopes who think having a penis (that probably can’t give a woman an orgasm) entitles them to being treated like a ‘KANG’.

Translation to all these questions: Since you’re a Black woman, you’ll take the bare minimum, right?

And yes, I know.. ‘not all men’ an ‘choose better men’. I know.



This concludes the list. I’ve had these conversations, these arguments, the ANXIETY. I’ve used all the energy I’m going to use on people who don’t have the maturity to disagree without it getting personal, with people not as informed as I am and with nignogs who insist on gaslighting and being loud and wrong.


I’ve been purging items all day. I’ve purged these discussions. I feel so much better. I feel refreshed and motivated. I got goals, nigga.

Nothing magical is going to happen at midnight. You will be the same person you were at December 1st, 11:59pm as you are January 1st, 12:00am. It is up to you to decide that you’re going to make a change, that you’re tired, that you’re fed the fuck up.

Please follow my weight-loss journey at @CarrieKeepPushn and look out for updates right here.



Thank you so much for your support. Like, comment, and share! What are you leaving in 2018? What are you taking with you to 2019?

Keep Pushin!
– Carrie






2018 and 28

I’m a December baby, so a new year in life and a new calendar year parallel. I be thinking about life and shit this time of year. Here are reflections from my 28th year and the year of our Lord 2018.

People will leave just so you’ll chase them. In my personal and professional life, I’ve experienced how people who aren’t chased and expect to be act. It is telling and unbecoming. A co-worker at my part time job left to no objection (actually most of us were glad) and lashed out via text message at 7am. A romantic interest rejected me and I moved on the next day. People who want to be chased and aren’t will turn around and do the chasing. In both situations I was blindsided and acted with anger. I’m not sorry.

Most relationships are only for a season. It is not summertime year ’round, not where I live anyway. It is important to cherish and be present (mentally and emotionally) during the good times with friends and lovers because most of it will not last. Many relationships are the result of similar life circumstances. Whether it be age/maturity, job, a common interest or marital status, it will change and so will your relationships and the dynamics there in. I had to learn to except the change (and end) in some friendship this year. Its a process. Its hard. Sometimes I FEEL like I don’t have any friends. I KNOW that is far from the truth though.

There may not be closure. Be honest, you ain’t going back for closure. You going back because of your hope this isn’t the close. The closure may be that the door is closed. I lost a friend one of my best friends couple of years ago. I stopped talking to my biological father around the same time. I find myself wanting “closure” or wanting to know what it is about me that made them not want me so I can fix it. However, my mental health won’t allow me to have a conversation with either of them currently. I’d probably scratch their eyes out LOL… and what others think of me is none of my business.

You must set clear boundaries. You can’t touch my hair without permission. You can’t expect me to answer my phone. I don’t like talking on the phone. You cannot expect access to me 24/7. You cannot insist on a hug if I offer just my hand. There are a short list of names you can’t call me. You need to greet me before you ask for something and you must use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I’m done bending and shrinking so I won’t offend someone. My feelings are just as valid. They are also my responsibility and mine alone.

Rest and fun must be intentional. I have a specific work schedule, my own business and many other projects. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything. I am learning to rest and not worry. I took a vacation in July. It almost changed my life. It is necessary to rest and have fun in order to be the best you during work. As a people, we tend to glorify struggle and stress. I’m rejecting that in 2019. I’m not content with or proud of struggle.

You are on your own schedule. I’ll be 30 next year. I’m fighting the pressure I feel to have it all together, to be ‘on my own’, to start a family. I believe a lot of times we do what we think we’re supposed to do and not what we want. We also fall victim to comparison. We compare ourselves to who we think has it together without considering what it took to get there or what is going on behind the scenes. I constantly have to remind myself that I got time.

Thus are my reflections, those I can share anyway. What did you learn in 2018? What are you leaving here? What are you taking with you into 2019?

Thank you so much for rocking with me thus far. I’m a part of some amazing projects in 2019. Stay tuned!

– Carrie

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“Mouthy Female”

I’ve always been bold. I have moments where I look back and think “I can’t believe I just said that.” More often my thoughtful moments are “Why won’t anybody say anything?” A good friend of mine tells me I have “no filter.” I think he may be right. For me, the need for the truth to be put out there always outweighs the need to keep the peace. Peace is overrated. 

For the sake of my own mental health, I’ve made a conscious effort to stay out of controversy on Facebook. I’ve challenged myself to use that ‘backspace’ on my keyboard and keep on scrolling. I’ve ended arguments with “Be blessed!” and I’ve unfriended and blocked some people. I’ve prayed for people instead of writing a think piece in the ‘reply’. I can’t save everybody. Jesus saved half the people on Calvary, Harriet left plenty of slaves on the plantation. Everybody ain’t going to Canaan. Some will be left behind. 

I think I backslid Wednesday though. There’s one Facebook friend I’ve decided to keep around (against my better judgement). I don’t want to delete everyone I disagree with. One, I’d have no friends and two, I must become mature enough to disagree with people and not ruin the friendship right?

He’s a Black man in his 60s and expresses the vilest opinions on women. He’s one of them ‘lady vs. ho’ niggas. He defended Brett Kavanaugh like he was getting paid. He said Stacey Abrams wasn’t ready. I keep telling him he can use a lot less words to say ‘I hate women, especially Black women.” 

I know I’m supposed to ‘respect my elders’. He’s the same age as my parents. But I believe at times we use that as an excuse to just let old people say anything to us just because they managed not to die yet. At some point, I’m a grown ass woman and adult to adult, you really don’t want this smoke. 

His sentiments on Stacey Abrams, my fierce opposition and his response is what led to this comment.

“Mouthy Females” sent me. I hollered. That’s what hit dogs do after all.

I HATE being called a female. I hate that people use ‘female’ to describe women. Female is an adjective, not a noun. I am female. I’m not a female. I’m a woman. “Female what? Lizard?” is what I always say. Female is the new ‘bitch’. After you call me a female, I’m done listening. But what good would it have been using my energy telling ‘Shady Pines’ why he shouldn’t call me a female? One, I know a few 60+ year old Black people. They ain’t changing. Two, I knew my Facebook friends would let him have it. 

“MOUTHY FEMALES? REALLY.?!” was the theme of the responses. It was too funny to offend me though. So to calm down my friends (who I so appreciate for defending me) I jokingly commented. “I’m putting ‘mouthy female’ on a shirt. That’s golden.” I was joking. I was jussplayin. But then I kept getting messages asking to buy one.

Here’s where I tell you to like HunnyChile, my (and my mother’s) T-Shirt company on Facebook and visit our website.

I designed a ‘Mouthy Female’ shirt as a reclamation. It was meant to be derogatory, meant to hurt my feelings. But like “Nasty Woman”, like the N word. I’m taking it back.

I wouldn’t be described as ‘mouthy’ if I was a man. In the past I have tried not to be mouthy because I was afraid of what men would think of me. I had to stop auditioning to be the wife of every man I came across. I have to speak up for what is right. I have to tell men why they were wrong or to keep their hands to themselves because no one else would. I had to be mouthy.

I have to be a ‘mouthy female’ for some shy little girl who needs to know that it is OK and necessary that she speak up. 

I was a shy little girl. My mom, aunts, Stacey Abrams, Maxine Waters, April Ryan and countless other women were/are those ‘mouthy females’ for me. In times such as these, it is necessary for females, women, femmes to be Mouthy.

If you want one and to support your favorite mouthy female, order a “Mouthy Female” shirt in white or black, while supplies last. Most importantly, keep being mouthy!

– Carrie 




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#BibleStudyReflections: How Jesus Addressed Sexism, Racism & Sin at the Well

For this reflection, we find ourselves in the Gospel of John 4.

Jesus and the disciples were on their way back to Galilee from Judea. On the way, they stopped in a village in Samaria. While the disciples went to go get food, Jesus rested at Jacobs Well (mentioned in Genesis 33, not the one in Texas).  It was around noon and a Samaritan woman had come to draw water. Jesus asked her for a drink.

Pause.

Jesus was a (BROWN NOT WHITE) Jew and this woman was a Samaritan. Because of racism, Jews didn’t have anything to do with Samaritans. Also, men did not converse with women without the presence of their husband (I wish that’s how it was today. LOL).

This conversation was no accident. Racial and gender lines were broken by Jesus even initiating this conversation. A Jewish man talking to a Samaritan woman was NOT the social norm. There are social norms I tolerate, there are even social norms I appreciate. I’m so glad that Jesus knew when to break the rules.

The woman said so too, vs. 9 says “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. Why are you asking me for a drink?” 

Jesus replies in vs. 10 “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me and I would give you living water.”

At this point, the woman (whose name we never know) and Jesus are talking about two different types of water. The woman was focused on the law. Jesus was focused on grace. Still focused on H2O, the woman tells Jesus he doesn’t have a rope or a bucket. So where are you going to get this water?

I enjoy how bold this woman is. He’s a Jew, she’s a Samaritan. He’s a man, she’s a woman. But she is still taking time to boldly question him. Sometimes as Christians, we are hesitant to question God. This woman is a great example of how bold we can be in our questions to Jesus. I’m so glad that he can and will answer our questions!

Jesus breaks it down. verse 13: “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again…”

The woman asks for this water. She doesn’t want the water for spiritual reasons. She’s concerned about her physical thirst and her social status. She’s come to the well at noon. Nobody would come to the well at the hottest time of day, I imagine drawing water from a well is physically taxing. Since everybody came to the well at the same time. It was as social as it was practical. Why was this woman even at the well alone at noon?

To answer her question, Jesus tells her to ‘Go and get her husband.’
Me: “Now, Jesus. You know that woman ain’t got no husband.”

Jesus wasn’t being shady though. According to the law, men couldn’t converse with women in public without their husband. But also, He was (gently) addressing her sin. Jesus didn’t come up on the woman and say “YOU A HO!”. He approached the woman humbly. By asking her to draw water for him he made her useful. He made her seen. He asked her He started a conversation.

“I don’t have a husband.” (verse 16) the woman replied. Jesus says in verse 17, “You’re right, you don’t have a husband. For you have had five husbands and you aren’t married to the man you’re living with now.”

Me: Dag Jesus, you gon just call sis out like that?! I bet she was at the well cause she had slept with somebody’s man and the girls ain’t like her.

5 Husbands is a LOT. But when we look at the social context of the time, when a woman’s husband died, she became a beggar, a prostitute or somebody else’s wife. Since men dropped like flies due to war, famine and disease, sis just chose the best option. I’m so glad single is an option now. 

It was this moment that she realized she wasn’t just talking to a regular guy. She also got called out and changed the subject. LOL. vs. 19. You must be a prophet. 20 So tell me why is it that you Jews insist  Jerusalem is the only place of worship while we Samaritans claim it is here at Mt. Gerizim where our ancestors worshiped?

Jesus replies in verse 21-24. “… the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship… on this mountain or in Jerusalem… salvation comes through the Jews. But the time is coming… when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth”

If I was Jesus, I woulda been like “Girl, don’t try to change the subject!” But He answered and in His answer addressed racism and sin. Jews were the chosen people. The 12 Hebrew tribes were those saved from slavery in Egypt and recipients of the promised land. They also had very strict religious laws to follow to stay in good standing with God.

Jesus came to shake all that up. With his sacrifice, the veil in the temple was torn and now we ALL have access to God is thorough Jesus. Thank God, I don’t wanna slaughter no animals.

So how did Jesus address racism, sexism and most importantly sin? The Water.

He used the earthly relevance of the water to start a conversation across racial and gender lines, and show the woman that He had living water; that HE IS living water.

To evade Jesus even further, she says “I know the Messiah is coming… he will explain everything to us.” Jesus tells her, “I AM the Messiah!”

I think I would’ve been skeptical. The woman wasn’t though. She left her water, she didn’t grab no shoes or nothing and went back to her village telling everyone, “Come see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could he possibly be the Messiah?”

As a result of her testimony, many Samaritans in her city believed in Jesus. Somebody had to tell you about Jesus. Somebody’s salvation will come about from your testimony. So tell someone about your Jesus encounter. Also, I believe this story is a good argument for women preachers. But I’m not arguing with Baptist negros today.

Imagine going to run an errand and meeting Jesus. Where did you meet Jesus?

“There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.” Galatians 3:28-29

Until next time, 
– Carrie

#BibleStudyReflections 11: Take it Outta Me

I visited the Kingdom Center in Louisville, KY this past Sunday at the invite from my friend Jai. It was phenomenal. I’ll definitely be back. During the devotions/praise and worship, they sang “Have Your Way” by Jabari Johnson. It’s a beautiful song, go check it out.

The lyrics “If Its not pleasing to you, take it outta me.” will not and have not left me alone. During service, we had plenty of time to sing and meditate on that one line.

Can I be honest? There are some things in me that are not pleasing to God that ARE pleasing to ME. As I was singing that I felt God saying, “You sure? I’m going to take away some things you love.” My grandaddy/pastor Elder DJ Ward would ask us “Do you mean that?!” when we were singing certain songs. Sometimes, the response for me is “I’m not sure.”

During service it was mentioned that we are often ‘chasing an experience and not a relationship’. I had a great time in church Sunday singing that song. I had a horrible time dealing with the answer to the prayer on Monday.

One of the things being taken out of me is the urge to debate/argue with everything and everybody. It is mentally and emotionally taxing and usually doesn’t benefit anything or anybody. On Monday, I posted a status on my Facebook page saying that I was going to be intentional about avoiding arguing and conflict.

Then conflict showed up as if I had invited her.

It was conflict from something that happened a couple years ago (that didn’t involve me) from somebody I honestly barely know. I let two women (well, girls that are old enough to be women) take me to an angry/anxious place and ruin my day. I was in tears by the time my mom had gotten home. (She won’t go off on Facebook but she WILL come in my room and go off about people. LOL)

Today’s Bible Study took me to Psalm 51 by no accident. David wrote this Psalm after he slept with Bathsheba. (It’s a juicy story, go read) David recognized his the sin that he committed and the fact that he was a sinner.

“You’re not a sinner because you sin, you sin because you are a sinner.” – DJ Ward

Our natural, hereditary disposition is sin. Adam and Eve gave it to us. Sin isn’t something we do occasionally. Sin is who we are. So, it’s important for our constant prayer to be “If It’s not pleasing to you, take it outta me.”

And He’ll do it. 

Not only is the habit of debating/arguing everything and everybody leaving, but so is my love for it. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to debate if it does not lead to understanding and progress. I ain’t spending any of that energy for free. It’s too expensive, and I’m not talking financially.

Psalm 51:16-17 (NLT)
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

My spirit is certainly broken. I’m comforted in the fact that God will not reject a broken heart. (I’m also grateful I don’t have to slaughter and burn a lamb. Yuck.)

Psalm 139: 23-24 (NLT)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Until next time,

-Carrie

#ChurchHurt

[Disclaimer: I’m talking to and about Christians.]

Songs like “I’m Available to You” are cute and nice to sing… until God gives you an assignment you don’t want. I don’t want to write about church hurt. But here we are.

Last week frustrated with the actions of church folk (again), driving home I proclaim, “of all [redacted] places, I shouldn’t have to leave CHURCH feeling like this!”

There is no hurt like church hurt. The worst [emotionally. mentally. sexually] abuse I’ve been subject too has been at God’s house by God’s people. I know church hurt. So after  yall read this don’t come at me like “YoU dOnT kNoW wHaT iTs LiKe!!!” I do.

Can I keep it real?!

Some (not all, a portion, a few, a bit) of yall are full of shit.
Some of yall just don’t want to go to church. Its understandable. I don’t want to go often either. People don’t want to go to church because it is hard to be held accountable.

The pastor preaching about sin, its consequences and how God feels about it is not ‘church hurt’. It’s the truth. They may have mentioned your sin in their sermon. They don’t know your life unless you told ’em.

(This lady in church used to yell “You in my business!” during the sermon when she felt it. LOL)

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. [Hebrews 4:12, NLT]

Every Sermon ain’t supposed to make you shout. Some are supposed to make you grieve. Some Sundays we should leave church saying ‘WOE IS ME!’ If your pastor has never stepped on your toes or preached ‘on your row’, get you a new one.

We want to come to church, sing “Today will be the best day of my life”, spin around 3 times for a breakthrough, sew a seed of $20 so we can become a millionaire and be told there’s a champion in us. We want to be lied to. It feels better.

Joel Osteen is lying. Calvary WAS the breakthrough, you may be broke forever and in this life there will be trouble. [John 16:33]

Can I keep it 100?!

I’m talking to and about people who have professed Christ as their Lord and Savior and have stopped going to church because they got hurt. You are capable of forgiving hurt. You’re even capable of tolerating it. People hurt you at the club, grocery store, your job, the gym and you haven’t stopped going. Your Baby’s momma or daddy hurts you often but you still climb in bed with them.

If you allow being hurt to keep you from church, you have made an idol out of the hurt. I wish it didn’t say it but right there in Hebrews it says don’t forsake the assembly. God inspired Moses to write that because He KNEW how church nig… I mean ‘the saints’ can be. They are insufferable. But so are you. You have hurt people. I saw some people who are straight up terrorists talking about church hurt. I’m not buying it.

I think (not sure) this conversation was sparked by LeAndria Johnson’s rant. I’m a big fan of LeAndria’s singing but she’s trippin. She’s mad at somebody who didn’t recognize her while she was sitting in a chair getting hair and make-up done. Now, the girls put on a LOT of hair and make-up so you may have just been unrecognizable. The ‘before’ and ‘after’ are day and night. Or.. they could’ve just not been paying attention. My grandaddy/pastor used to say ‘You’re just not that important.’

If somebody hurt you, before you go on FB Live, address the person one on one (that’s in the Bible too), face to face and explain how they hurt your feelings. Le’Andria gets praised for “keeping it real”, but ranting about your hurt on Jesus’ internet is passive aggressive and she’s too old and too gifted to be acting that way. Le’Andria needs to see a therapist and yall stop booking her until she does. LOL

Furthermore, against the shadow of the cross, in my mind I could not justify people who are sinners just like me keeping me from church. Crucifixion hurts worse than anything church folk can do to you. He chose to hurt for me, He chooses to forgive my sins daily because of it. Surely I can forgive people. Surely I can find a church and a pastor for me.

As a Christian, you need a church. Free agents don’t play until they get on teams. Nobody refuses to go to the hospital because of sick people. We all need to see the doctor.

This all may sound insensitive. It is not my intention. But I’m not going to sugar coat or coddle grown ups either. I didn’t go to church for awhile. I didn’t WANT to go longer than that. So if you aren’t going. I get it. I ain’t mad atcha. I recognize that everybody ain’t where I am and it’s taken me a WHILE to come to this realization.

Those of you dealing with church hurt, I am so sorry. Please find the most healthy way to address it and get your ass…. i mean, find yourself back in church. How do you deal with it? Idk. LOL. It may mean finding another congregation, it may mean showing up when you don’t want to, it definitely means LOTS OF PRAYER. Pray for a heart to forgive. Pray for whoever hurt you. Pray for the Pastor. Pray when you wanna cuss out a nigga on Sunday morning.  God answers prayers.

*in my Lexi voice* GO TO CHURCH!

Now, I don’t want my perspective to look like it lets the church off the hook. Church hurt IS the church’s fault. 
The church needs to treat people better.
The church needs to stop asking a congregation of poor people to put gas in the pastor’s jet.
The church needs to address sexual abuse, toxic masculinity, patriarchy, generational curses, mental health and MUCH more.
The church needs more leaders who are called by God (then TRAINED) and not self-proclaimed.
The church needs a smoking section. The church needs a concession stand. 
The church should change the neighborhood.
The church needs to make social justice a priority.
Elders of the church need to know when to RETIRE and make way for the next generation. The next generation needs to listen to the elders with open ears and open hearts.
We need to make church a priority and not a ‘maybe’ on the weekend.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk. If you’re dealing with church hurt and need somebody to talk to, I am here. If you mad and want to cuss me out, I promise you don’t want this smoke! LOL. Bless your heart and all your parts. Like CarrieAmanda on Facebook. Comment or hit me up and let me know you readin! Thank you!

– CGW

 

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What’s wrong with white men?!

29138219_10214022411253215_1604364373_n“He was polite, a deep thinker…”
“… a very challenged young man”
“seemed like a smart kid who showed a lot of promise”
“he came from a tight-knit, godly family”

These quotes describe Mark Anthony Conditt, the 23 year old white guy who before blowing himself up carried out terrorist attacks via bombs in FedEx packages for the better part of a month in Austin, TX. These attacks resulted in the murders of Anthony House and Draylen Mason (both Black men) as well as the injuring others.

You’re familiar with the adage from James Baldwin “To be Negro in this country and … conscious is to be in a constant state of rage.” I don’t want to be in a constant state of rage and constantly try to avoid it by choosing my battles, but I’m going to have to choose this one. I hear the conversations around gun control, mental health and bullying but nobody is going to say it so I will.

White men are the problem.

In my Tonald Drump voice, we gotta figure out what the hell is wrong with white men?

Not only are white men the problem, the media constantly bends itself into a pretzel to humanize even the worst of them.

In the trend of white men going ape shit, the cops and politicians (IF they say anything) are always very careful to NOT say its terrorism or a hate crime. I call bullshit. The current cultural connotation of the word terrorism is brown and Muslim. According to the dictionary terrorism is violence in the pursuit of political aims.

2016’s  New York bomb was called terrorism. A Muslim with a name we can’t pronounce from a country we can’t point to on a map carried out an attack in the name of ISIS. We can all agree that’s terrorism and those with the microphones were quick to call it terrorism even BEFORE they had any evidence of it.

When I was reading the article about the latest white male terrorist, I thought I was reading the obituary of a victim and not the attacker. He was “polite”, “a deep thinker”, had “many challenges”. Why do those that control the narrative try so hard to humanize White men no matter what they do; while at the same time trying to harden and criminalize Black victims? White supremacy is the short answer.

The foundation of the United States of America is white supremacy. It was colonized by white men who carried out a genocide of brown and red people, then enslaved Black people to build it. America would not be what it is economically or culturally had it not been for white supremacy. Once America addresses and admits its original sin, she can begin to atone for it. Until then, we going straight to hell and I’m calling everyone out. You can’t whoop me.

I have it better than my ancestors and for that I’m thankful. I’ve never had to look for the colored section of anything but, white supremacy still affects us, its just a different flavor.

The 2018 version of white supremacy isn’t white robes and ropes hanging from trees, it’s the media painting Stephen Paddock who killed 50 people “enjoyed country music and lived a quiet life.”

It says of Nikolas Cruz who walked in his alma mater and shot 33 innocent people that he was ‘lost and lonely’

The guy that drove into a crowd of peaceful protesters? James Feilds, Jr. “had trouble making friends”, was a “very quiet little boy”.

180323143839-02-stephon-clark-family-exlarge-169On the other hand, Trayvon Martin a teenager murdered for no reason was called a ‘thug’ because he had on a hoodie on a cold rainy night.

2018’s white supremacy murders Jordan Davis because he was playing ‘thug music’ and then goes home and orders a pizza. It insists Eric Garner died of a heart attack after being choked to death and saying “I can’t breath.” 11 times. Stephon Clark was holding a fucking cell phone in his grandmomma’s back yard and shot at 20 times.

According to Vox, since ole boy took office, more Americans have been murdered by white men than by Muslim men. As a matter of fact, since 9/11, more Americans have been killed by homegrown right-wing terrorists than Muslim ones. I’m not denying that there are Muslim extremist groups that are a threat and we should probably keep one eye on them, but I am arguing that as American citizens we are more likely to be killed by a Christian white dude so we need to vet them too. But we know white supremacy isn’t rooted in logic.

In my opinion, we need to take a serious look at the psychology of the American white (straight, cis) white man and figure out why there is a different mass shooting/bombing every week. The rest of us do not go on killing sprees because of life’s circumstances. Did nobody teach white men to deal with inconvenience? We can talk about mental health and gun control, but we have to talk about white men if we want to stop mass shootings and bombings.

I’m mentally ill and that’s putting it nicely. I’m NUTS. I was bullied about my hair. My father couldn’t be bothered. I never felt an urge to kill a bunch of innocent strangers about it. I’m not saying I’d never shoot anybody, I’m just saying if I did, I’d have a reason. I’m trying to figure out what is it about the white male experience that makes him lose his marbles at experiences that are regular to the rest of us. Why kill a bunch of innocent strangers?

Furthermore, why don’t the people around him see that he’s a terrorist? There are people in my life that if they did something I’d be like “oh yea, they did that shit. guilty as hell. been crazy since they were born.” (I ain’t no snitch though) You mean to tell me that NOBODY around these terrorists saw it coming? There’s a FEW people in my life I make sure don’t have access to guns and explosives.

What if Black women went on killing sprees every time they were bullied?! What if Black women had time to make bombs?

In my humble opinion, I think that white men are used to being on top in every aspect of society. They are teaching their sons that they are special if for no other reasons than they are white men and the world is changing. We like to say that racism is over. But the guys that are carrying out these terrorist attacks are 20 something millennials whose parents been lying to them.

They must come to terms with being a white man isn’t enough anymore and that white mediocrity won’t always win. We had a Black president, a woman almost became one so they had to go get the poster child for white mediocrity and elect him. He’s racist, sexist, an all around buffoon and has emboldened mediocre white men everywhere. We in danger, yall.

In conclusion, I’m not a mental health expert… This is just my theory. I wish I could spend my energy on something else (listening to Snoop’s Gospel album) but I like going to church and the movies and don’t want to get shot. I live in Kentucky, issa lotta white men here. I got to be vigilant. A relative and I were at Hobby Lobby and this white man reaches into his coat (for what we later figured out were his car keys), and we paused and grabbed each other.

White men are the issue this time. I’ve had to take on alotta heavy loads for ALL Black women (and Black people at times) so I’m glad to give something to white men. White men are the issue. They are the domestic terrorists. They are the reason ole boy is in office. White men have a permanent spot on my prayer list.

#StopWhiteMen2018

If this blog entry upsets you, remember that you can’t whoop my ass and I only argue on Sundays. Wakanda Forever.

-CGW

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#LevelUp These

You’re familiar with the old adage, that if you roll your eyes they could get stuck like that. This can’t possibly be true. Or maybe, black women in the black church are immune to it. That’s like a evolution thing right?

The singer Ciara posted this clip of Pastor John Gray at a women’s conference of all places with the caption #LevelUp.

My friend asked me what I thought before I had even seen it. We discussed how Proverbs 18:22 is misinterpreted and over quoted in church. The ‘spirit of girlfriend’ whatever the hell that means isn’t addressed in that passage or an in the Bible. In this passage, the task is left to the man to find a wife, and niggas in the pulpit have still found a way to make the woman responsible.

I found a longer clip and Pastor Gray goes on to tell women basically to not wear makeup and weave because he’s looking for ‘the real you’and not the ‘projected you’. Do yall REALLY think women have a MAN in mind when doing their hair and makeup? We’re doing that for each other or for our damn selves. Black women are innovators when it comes to hair and make up and plenty sistas need to beat their face DAILY.

Furthermore, statistically, Black women in large part are marrying “down” to men with less education and who make less money. So in our case getting married is rarely a #LevelUp. “Finding” a Black wife is the #LevelUp so why doesn’t the Black church address boys and men? It instead gives men permission to treat women who aren’t wives however they want to.

Plus, the way yall talk about marriage? Got the nerve to tell me to #LevelUp and you climbing in bed with a broke man that can’t give you an orgasm. You #LevelUp first, sus. You. First.

And since we’re at church… There are plenty examples in the Bible of how men should treat women, what kind of husbands and fathers they should be. Let’s look at one. I have time. #BibleStudywithCarrie

When Joseph found out Mary was pregnant, he didn’t blast her on Facebook, he was hurt of course because he assumed Mary cheated on him and wasn’t trying to marry her. “But because Joseph… was a righteous man he was unwilling to disgrace her publicly, he resolved to divorce her privately.” (Matthew 1:19 CarrieOn version)

Joseph treated Mary honorably while he still believed she got pregnant by one of them Roman soldiers (I’m making this up, you’ll deal). THEN, he married her anyway and waited to have sex with her until Jesus was born. We only come to this passage of scripture during Christmas time, but I believe a few brothas could stand to learn about Joseph’s burden. Joseph treated Mary graciously as God treats us. We see Joseph following the command to treat your wife as Christ treats the church. Aren’t you glad God treats you with Grace?

There are plenty of fathers and husband in pulpits across America (women are kept out of many). Why is no one discussing being a husband and fatherhood?

My family is victim to a few men who weren’t taught to be husbands and fathers so when I hear niggas in the pulpit talking about women need to ‘cover up’ or ‘learn to cook’ or ‘stop wearing all that make up’ my eyes roll hard. They haven’t got stuck yet.

What if a woman (or man) enjoys being single and doesn’t want children? How does the church minister to women outside of being a wife and mother? In large part it doesn’t.

Personally, I’m trying to lose 100 lbs, make millions off my businesses, then invest in a farm. There’s no room for a husband and children in this vision. That isn’t what I want at the moment. (Eventually, I want children. I NEVER have to have a husband but I want my kids in a 2-parent household so I suppose I’ll get one. I digress.)

We are doing girls and women a disservice when we indoctrinate them to believe they are only valuable attached to  man. Don’t get me wrong, Mothers and wives are superheros and that’s what many women do want. That’s fine. But there are plenty of women who have other goals and aspirations and are just as LIT single.

Finally, we should teach people to be ‘good’ because it pleases God, not to please and impress other sinners.

In conclusion, women you’re fearfully and wonderfully made. Adam needed Eve, not the other way around. The first Gentile to declare Jesus the messiah was a woman, the first person to declare Jesus resurrected was a woman. You can do whatever you want husband or none. Prosper.

-CW

 

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Millenials and the Church Part 2

Here’s Part 1

Unauthentic emotionalism
Everybody loves a good shout. If nothing else its entertaining. But, if it happens every single Sunday and is forced, its not genuine. If I’m an emotional mess, I’m not engaged or listening. I certainly cannot be poured into that way. Of course we want to see a ‘move of God’ but that doesn’t always look emotional.

Lazy
It’s not always that deep. We were down to the bar Saturday night and Brunch starts at 2. We ain’t trying to get up in the mean time between time and go to church. Hungover. From what I’ve heard 🙂

We always want to leave church feeling good
If you’ve never been mad at your pastor’s sermon, if they’ve never made you feel bad about yourself, get you another pastor. Of course we go to church to feel better but the Gospel can be a sword (Matthew 10:34). Looking at yourself up against Jesus should make you thankful but it should also put a ‘woe is me’ in your spirit. God is after your heart. He isn’t concerned about you feeling good, being comfortable or having money. It may not be your season. You may not get a breakthrough next week. Hearing these LIES every Sunday may make you feel warm and fuzzy but they aren’t making you a better Christian.

Too Woke
Woke: to be socially conscious 
I have a few non-Christian “woke” friends.
“I see you still got that Roman cross on”
“Christianity was used to enslave us! It’s the white man’s religion!”
I’ve had these arguments. I rarely have them anymore. My rule is don’t disrespect what I believe, and I’ll respect what you believe. We can still coexist. I’m NOT going to stop being a Christian. This Roman cross is tattooed on me so we #minuswell move on.

Because being ‘woke’ is in and we’re all victims of peer pressure, it is important to know the word for yourself. I’m an activist because Jesus called me to be one and He is the activist I model my work after. Nobody was more woke than Jesus. I’m not going to let the Western World’s influence on Christianity keep me from Jesus. Problems with the presentation of Christianity (white Jesus) and the black church are totally valid. If the woke black people is on Sunday, I’ll be there AFTER church.

Generational Disconnect
Millennials and our parents and grandparents have our disagreements. I think what some millennials find frustrating is our parents and grandparents unwillingness to change. What worked in 1960 may not work in 2017. I believe there is middle ground. We are taught to respect our elders so it’s a challenge to be super honest. Lets talk about the generational disconnect of music. We’re free. (Well, we aren’t enslaved anymore, most of us… ) I’m tired of negro spirituals. I honestly never have to hear “Ride on King Jesus” again. He got off the donkey eventually.

The church doesn’t feel like it belongs to us when we hold no leadership positions and leadership doesn’t seem to be concerned about our generation. If it ain’t mine, I’ll be at the house. “No man can-a hinder me.”

Church has no impact on local community
Lots of us live in victimized communities. We have to be concerned about food deserts, gentrification, poor education, police brutality to name just a few. The church should be addressing these issues. If only because there is a black church on every corner in the hood. Shouting on Sunday ain’t enough. You ain’t being a light if the community is no different because you’re in it. It is as simple as showing up. As someone passionate about activism, I don’t feel the need to spend time and money on ANY organization that isn’t making a positive change.

In conclusion…
Thank you all so much for your patience. I have no computer at home and tendinitis. My local public library is Black af and not always the quietest place to write. I hope I gave someone some insight and can get some in return. These issues are not exclusive to millennials and it is my belief all Christians NEED TO GO TO CHURCH a few times a year. Thanks again. “… do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8

– Carrie

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